Memoirs Of a Single Mom

About Living in These Moments - Part 3

2011-07-09T22:51:00.005-06:00

It has been one of those days--actually for the past few days--where I wake up and I just want to get through the day until it's time for my children to go to sleep. I have LB for 12 solid days. For those of you single mom's who never get breaks (i.e., who don't have family in town or exes to take the kids here and there), I feel your pain. I have not gone consecutively without a break like this where I've had LB for over 10 days since he was just over a year old. This time with him has brought back memories of hours and hours of missed sleep, of plodding through sheer exhaustion and sleep deprivation, and of stress that would make any normal person want to curl up in the fetal position and just await Armageddon. It sounds like I'm using hyperbole, but there's more to what's going on in my life right now stress-wise than I'm going to share in this post. So, suffice it to say, this Mommy needs a break. And I am in countdown mode.

That being said, in all honesty, I'm glad that LB is with me. D. had originally planned to take LB on his trip and then changed his mind (as Borderline Personality Disorder people frequently do). I would rather have my son with me than to be away for that long. And when I heard what D. is doing on his trip, I was even more grateful that LB is not with him; my son would have been returned to me disheveled and a wreck emotionally. Providence preceded the will of the insane (D.) and blessedly so.

I have been struggling in my faith of late. And I have also been in a state of emotional bog. My new favorite word is balagan--Hebrew for "mess" or "chaos". It has a certain sound to it that just captures on the tongue what I feel inside. So when I say it aloud, I feel redemption for that miniscule moment in time.

The oil spill from the ending of the relationship with TF has left me feeling mired...coated by a thick, dark substance that clings and does not seem to wash away. I feel like a bird, covered in black oil, unable to free myself completely from shore, while watching the other birds in the air soar high above...and wondering when I will rejoin them.

I cannot comprehend how much and how long the breakup from *this* particular relationship is affecting me. The reasons for feeling the connection that I did with TF are surfacing and I am working through them. Still, I remain baffled as to how much I struggle with the loss of what we had.

The companion to my grief is the discombobulating infusion of new blood into my already betwixt and between life. Someone approached me. Someone took interest in me and expressed it with eagerness and enthusiasm. And while the last thing that I imagined doing or wanting to do is to get to know someone new, that is what is happening--I AM getting to know someone new. And while it is throwing me off, it is also providing some small measure of relief.

These past few years, I lived without many of the things that I genuinely do want--or long for--in an intimate relationship. Compliments. Encouraging words. Having doors opened for me. Being asked questions about all parts of my life. Someone wanting to learn more about me. Being treated with respect on a consistent basis. I realize now how much I compromised away...or thought that I could live without. And while TF did offer me many, many good things, these were some of the key elements that were missing. I find that I still vacillate and wonder, "Now that I'm experiencing them again, did I really miss them that much? And could I ever live without them again?" Perhaps that sounds perverse in some way, but I find that I have to ask myself questions in order to be honest in the answers that I seek.

This new person is like marrow to dry bones. He is like water to a parched land. Just the simple act of being able to ask him questions and receive answers--which TF loathed to do--has sent me into another world. I want to talk with this person a LOT. And we do talk a lot. Whether online or in person. And that? That feels very comforting.

The catch in all of this is that in a short amount of time, this new person and I have found that we do not have the potential for a long-term relationship. There are some key differences between us that neither one of us imagines changing. While it is good to recognize that upfront, it is a struggle to simply remain friends when we are both so interested in one another, when we are comfortable with one another, and when we are attracted to one another. We are making the effort to keep the relationship healthy and on a friendship level. I say that knowing that it sounds as if a "but" is coming, but it's not--at least not what the reader may think is coming.

The struggle that I have faced since this new friendship has developed further is believing in someone again...in learning how to trust. After all that I have endured, and after TF damaged the fragile trust that I placed in him after I had left an abuser/crazy person (D.), to re-learn yet AGAIN how to see and to know who is good and who is trustworthy is putting my heart and mind through the wringer. The new person has already endured my soapbox speeches about trust. He has seen me respond to him in ways that are me feeling jarred. And while I remain ever vigilant and cautious, and not one to give him the full benefit of the doubt as a male, he has shown me some of the same respect and kindness and sincerity that I experienced in one of my best intimate relationships.

There are a million approaches for me to this scenario and I cannot go into all of them here and now. But emotionally, I am in balagan. I am still reeling from and enduring the loss of TF...I am trying to learn how to just be friends with someone who is also making that same effort towards me when both of us want a little bit more...I am attempting to learn how to trust again, when all of me says "f**k trusting any male"...and I am experiencing some small measure of healing and happiness...and I am scared and grateful, all at the same time.

The struggle with my faith...that is between me and God...and with me trying to release and let go of all of my hopes and desires and dreams to be with someone for the long-term. It just seems as if it's not meant to be. I know that there are those who will say, "What you think is what will be" (a la The Secret). I understand this thinking--I do. But after all that I have been through with males and within intimate relationships, this *is* the conclusion that I have come to. Some out there have found new love, have found new life, even after all that they have endured. They have found their companion in life. That is a blessing, to be sure. I do not know that I will ever receive this same blessing. I am trying to accept what may be the case for my life...even if it is not what I would choose. I am trying to allow to die what I have sought after my whole life thus far. Sometimes sublimation of our desires is the most appropriate path to take.

I have no tidy way to end this post. I know that I am simply going to continue to process all that comes to me.

Longing For Answers

2011-06-12T00:18:00.002-06:00

I am here again because I do not know where else to go. I am here because I have questions that plague me when I lie awake in bed at night. I am here because I need to speak with the voice that I have, even if it feels muted.

It's been 3 1/2 weeks (yes, the half counts) since I last saw or directly spoke to TF. It's been 3 1/2 weeks of trying to move on...of mulling over the conversation that we had...of thinking about the things he said that hurt me so deeply...of trying to make sense and understand how he said one thing, but did another. I am still in a state of shock and confusion. I do not know what the hell to do with the information that clings to my mind. It's starting to drive me crazy.

A couple of guys have given me their attention recently. That's nice. They seem to be nice. I don't want to jump back into dating, but I do not mind making some new friends. But the other thing is...I saw some pictures of TF tonight from an event he was at that I almost attended. All it took was for me to see his photo...and my heart sank.

I still miss him. And I wish to God that I didn't. I'm tired of missing him.

I want answers to my questions. I am half-demanding from God answers to my questions.

If TF wanted to date other people, like he repeatedly told me that he did, then why did he continue for years to stay with me and to be intimate with me?

If he didn't want a long-term relationship, then why did he keep returning to me?

If my situation was such a dilemma for him, then why did he embrace my children, and defend us, and why did he come to court hearings, or offer times to be an instigator to D?

So much just doesn't make sense. It doesn't add up. And it leaves me wondering, What the freaking f**k?!

There are some who say that I should drop him--he hurt me, he's selfish, he's immature...just forget him and move on.

There are some who say that TF was there for me A LOT, in times when I needed someone, and in times when other guys would not have stood up and been there.

There are some who caution against overanalyzing...and that I'm focusing on the negative, and that if I think too much about some things, all I will remember or see is the bad.

I think about my relationship with my dad...and how for years and years, I wanted to have a good relationship with him again, like we had briefly when I was a little girl. I spent most of my life harboring ill feelings against my dad. Only recently, due to a serious illness that my dad has that could potentially kill him, was I able to finally reconcile with my dad within myself. It wasn't something overt that happened between he and I; it was something that God did within my heart and mind and soul. And now I see my dad differently. And I no longer harbor the ill will, the anger, the resentment. My dad--and our relationship--are still not perfect. But I would rather have what we DO have, than have nothing at all, or have what I did before.

This brings me to TF. I don't know what kind of relationship I am supposed to have with him. A romantic or intimate one is not in the works at this time. But can I be friends with him? Do I throw out the baby with the bathwater? Or do I take this imperfect man--one who has wounded me deeply--and still try to accept him as he is and to extend love and friendship? I...I do not know. That is what I am trying to figure out...as I hurl through space.

Meanwhile, I am painfully aware of the absence of him in my life. I have not had the kind of deep connection that I had with TF with hardly anyone else. To just let that evaporate into the air...it feels remiss. It feels...wrong, somehow. I can't explain it.

I don't know what to say...to him, to myself, to anyone who would ask what I'm thinking.

I wish and long for real, concrete answers. There are none. There is no person who can show me or tell me what to do. I wish there was though. I wish there was...

To Single Mom's and Women Who Feel Alone

2011-05-31T22:48:00.004-06:00

I'm thinking about what to post here...I could do a part one and part two. I could take off my self-wallowing shoes at the door and enter in as a nice guest and leave with encouraging words. I could just vent it all out and screw the nice guest part.

Whatever I choose, I need to just get some stuff out. And that is part of what this blog is for.

First of all, I want to give a full gun salute and a rendition of "Taps" to the quiet end of T's blog. T, you were open and raw. You exposed and expressed yourself. You shared who you are and what you were working through with so many of us. Thank you. You will be missed.

After saying that, I will start with the "nice guest" post and see where it leads from there...

To anyone who has known how it feels to be so utterly alone, isolated, like you feel that nothing and no one can comprehend where you are at...you are not alone.

To any woman who has had the modern-day version of the scarlet letter painted on you...again and again...even by people whom you trusted and never thought would treat you in that way...you are not alone.

To any woman crying out to be loved just for who you f**king are, and not for the girl that they wish you were...you are not alone.

To any woman who has had her heart broken more times than you thought humanly possible...you are not alone.

To the woman who has children by more than one relationship and *knows* the real story behind the story, and who knows that you are not some white-trash whore, but feels like you are treated that way all the same...you are not alone.

To the women who don't know how to even begin a conversation with the other mom's who are married, and who talk about remodeling their bathrooms, or how their husband's snore so loudly, or how their new purebred needs $200 in medicine, and how sometimes you just want to laugh at the absurdity of it all, but you can't because you really just want to have some other female/mom friends, but you can't discuss your crazy ex in polite conversation...you are not alone.

To the women who wish that they could just once--just ONCE--call their dad and say, "Daddy, I liked a boy and he really hurt me!"...you are not alone.

To any woman who feels like the man that you *finally* learned how to trust, after all that has happened with other males, has betrayed you and left you, and you are now alone again without the person who became your closest friend, your companion, your lover...you are not alone.

To anyone who longs to be held and comforted in the arms of someone safe, someone who will not leave, someone who will not judge, someone who will bring you some sense of peace...you are not alone.

To the single mom's who are just so f**cking TIRED and want a break from life...you are not alone.

To the women who left abusers and/or crazy exes and STILL have to deal with them on a regular basis, and who cry out for mercy and freedom from it all...you are not alone.

To the women who left abusers and/or crazy exes AND YET are blamed by others for the situation you are in, which leaves you in almost more shock and pain than when you left the abuse...you are not alone.

To the single mom's who are taken to court over and over and over again by the abusive/crazy ex, when all you want is to be left alone in peace and to live your life with your children...you are not alone.

To the women who are living in poverty, especially while their abusive exes swim in excess and financial plenty, and who manage to steal from you constantly...you are not alone.

To the single mom's who frequently must exchange your child(ren) and leave them with the very person who harmed you and you know what they can or will do to your child(ren), yet you are forced to let this unsafe person take your child and it tears you up inside every single time, to the point where you feel like your heart is literally in shreds...you are not alone.

To anyone who has cried tears of pain, grief and sorrow for what feels like decades, on your knees on the floor, in your bed in the fetal position...you are not alone.

To anyone who does not have family who is there for you and it hurts like hell that they aren't but you wish for it anyway...you are not alone.

To any woman who knows that she is valuable and worthy of respect and dignity and honor and of being cherished...even when it feels like almost all the males in her life have shown and taught her the opposite...

Here's to you. Believe that you are loved. Believe that you are not all that others say that you are when they devalue you. Believe that you belong to some ONE. Believe that you can be held and cradled in the arms of some ONE who knows everything that has happened to you. Believe that whomever just abandoned you...that they have no concept of your true worth.

Know that you are not alone, even when that is all that you DO feel.

May you know Grace and Mercy and Peace and Comfort.

May you know Real and Neverending LOVE.

About Living in These Moments - Take 2

2011-05-24T23:10:00.005-06:00

It felt good to blog again. Now I feel like I need to catch up on all of the blogs that I cared about and have been away from. Those of you whom I was "close to" (read: used to communicate with often before), I have thought of you often over the past several months. Not reading your blogs did not equal not having you on my mind. Know that I care about each of you.

I'm in a very interesting place right now...emotionally, spiritually, mentally. I don't even know how to describe it. While any one emotion may pop up and reign supreme for a moment or longer, overall, how do I feel? I guess...strong and resolved. It's weird to print that out loud. I don't feel it as my own strength at all, just to be clear.

I do miss TF. The phone is silent now...no texts, no calls. There is no chat before bedtime. There is no sending him funny messages about something that only he and I "get". Yes, things are much quieter. So far, I'm holding up in that area.

I miss having someone that I shared so much of my life with. So, so much. Those of you who have this...you know it's something you can't put into words. But once it's gone, you feel the vacuum...the black hole. That person is gone.

But there is so much that happened...little (can they even be called "little"?) signs of disrespect...of being used...of not being honored and cherished by him. There are things that I wanted but compromised on wanting because I know that a relationship requires compromise in order to work. He...does not get this.

I think the best way to capture what I feel and where I'm at is, "I got it. I finally got the bloody, f**king memo." The messages were always there. He repeated them. His actions didn't match his words. I tried hard to understand. But understanding does not equal meeting one another at the table and leaving from it together.

TF is not a bad man or a bad person. Could he use some growing up? Umm, hell, yes. Was he a good friend? Absolutely. Was he a good boyfriend? Umm, definitely not.

Only time and God can help him. I...cannot. I have loved him. I have cared for him. I am not angry anymore. I am hurt. I feel loss. And who knows what the future holds.

But the Presence says, "Go on, Amira." And that is what carries me forward.

Today...and About Living in These Moments

2011-05-21T15:18:00.003-06:00

I have not blogged for a very long time. This I know. The reasons for that are a few, but the bottom line is that I felt a need to step back from it...to take a break.

(It also appears that D's demonic attorney found my blog and sent me some lovely (read: vile) comments. My break from blogging had nothing to do with her. However, she does not have a right to know what is going on in my life, as much as she continues on her path of destruction towards my children and I.)

So, I'm here because I need to vent and this is the place where I feel that I can do it. I am cautious to vent to those whom I am close to...whether because they have too much going on in their lives and I fear burdening them, or because I feel that so few people truly understand where I'm at. I need to be listened to...to also receive some perspective, yes...but I honestly don't know where to go. Except here.

I have loved a man for the past few years. I allowed him into my life and the lives of my children. I allowed myself to get very close to him and to trust him.

We--or just I, perhaps--have tried to make things work. There are many, many good things about him. He also has his flaws and weaknesses.

Recently, we had a big discussion. He was honest about how he felt and thought about some things. One of those things discussed was how he still cannot overcome the fact that I have two children by two different dad's. And the crux of the matter is that one of those dad's is psycho...and that I will have to deal with him for at least another decade plus. The concerns about having to deal with an insane ex if this man and I were to be together long-term...daunts him. And honestly? I get it. Dealing with D. IS a lot. I know. I have to deal with him too often. Add on the vitriolic attorney from Hades and it's double the pleasure.

I know that this situation does not make up who I am. Nor does it define my children and our little family. I know that we are loved by many wonderful people, who do not look down on us or shy away from the chaos. They know that D. and his attorney are evil, and that I bear through dealing with them.

But I feel like I have lost my best friend, to be honest...the person whom I have become closest to here...and the thought of starting over again with someone else...when it has taken me THIS long to even feel like I could commit to a relationship again...well, it's disheartening, to say the least.

So, I want to just talk about all that has happened, where I'm at, and what do I do now. I don't feel like I can do that with any one person. It's a bit much, I'm aware. And that leads me to feel very alone. Sometimes, completely alone. Dealing with that feeling...is very hard for me.

Even so, I know that I am loved. I know that I am loved in deeper ways than I have ever known before. I know that I am forgiven for my choices made in the past. I know that Grace and Mercy are poured out over me. These things remain my salvation.

I go forward, always forward...even when I don't know what to do.

Thanks for listening.

Words From the Land of the Living

2010-09-25T23:18:00.003-06:00

It has been three months since my last post. I do not even know how many people still read my blog, but I have time and the inkling to post. So here I am.

First of all, I saw on Facebook that Depot Dad/Jim Everson passed away recently. I did not know Jim personally, but many of my fellow bloggers here did. Just reading about the fact that he is no longer among us brought tears to my eyes. I know that he was a sweet, kind, witty man and that he touched many of your lives. In memory of Jim, I say my condolences to all of you who knew him well.

Second, I have been in a different world or frame of mind than the one I used to be in when I blogged all the time. I know some of the reasons for that...and some of it will be in this post. But this has been a time of change for me. Good change. Some hard change. And change that has brought me right to where I am meant to be, even if I still question that status frequently.

First, TF and I are "together". More so than we have been in the past two "on again, off again, on again" years. I am still wary. So is he. No formal statement of "togetherness" was made. No trading of official titles (i.e., girlfriend, boyfriend). No commitments to one another verbalized. None of those things. But something changed...a switch was flipped...a corner turned. And while I would say I felt it from him, the truth is it probably came from me as well. In other words, something probably changed in me that led to the change in him that led to the change in how we interact with one another. Ahhhh, relationships. Messy, they are.

It has taken me THIS freaking long to feel comfortable even saying the phrase "my boyfriend". I STILL almost cough after saying the phrase from time to time, but I'm not having near-panic attacks every three days like before (I am not joking) when I was desperately trying to make TF and I work.

I reached a couple of points over the last few months. And one of those was, Oh, he doesn't want me? Okay, fine. Moving on. And I meant it. I didn't say this to him. Well, actually, I did, but not in those words. In different ones. And somehow, some way, right around the time some other major change happened in my life, TF seemed to change a little, too. I felt it, I saw it, and--one of the litmus tests--it has stuck. He's not pulling away from me like every other time. In fact, he seems to be letting me in and wanting to get closer. Which is a big step for him.

So, we'll see. Not all bets are off, folks. He and I are both afraid of commitment. And me? While I want to be married again, it also scares the hell out of me. Been there, done that, went down in flames. Came close again, went to hell and came out of it, and don't want to ever get close to either scenario again. Yeah. You bet your sweet mama I have my reservations and fears about staying with one man for the rest of my life!

But TF...there is something about him. And something about our relationship. We'll see what the future holds. Only God knows.

Next, employment. Yes, I finally secured a job. Can everyone say "hallelujah"?! After 4 long years of self-employment and lack of employment, I went from virtually no work this summer to two job offers within 12 hours. I am not kidding. I decided to take both. And thank God that He guided me to do so. One job is part-time. It is a calm job, wonderful atmosphere, flexible, and salaried. The pay needs improvement, but it's still worth accepting. We'll get there. The other job is contract work. It's interesting, but the job is in a place where there is high stress, instability, huge inefficiency, rampant gossip, and the job may be ending already. So, I'm applying for work to round out the hours I need and we'll see what happens.

Working again feels good. I feel like I am right back where I have always known how to be. The challenge? Not working myself to death. Oh, yes--I found myself easily getting right back into that mode straight out of the starting blocks.

LB and MG...are wonderful. Not worrying about income nonstop has reduced some stress which has allowed me to enjoy just BEING a mom again. Let me just say this: Being a single mom in poverty and with a lack of work is one of the HARDEST places to be. I have hated it. I never want to experience it anymore. Period. But thousands of us go through it. Every. Freaking. Day. And it sucks the joy out of motherhood.

So, be kind to a single mom who doesn't have work or enough income. Just do. 'Cause her life ain't easy. And you have no freaking idea how much so.

Finally, D. I went to court 6 times this summer. That's right--6 times. And God was victorious. He was good and merciful to me. Finally--FINALLY--I got a protection order granted for me against D. It has been one of THE best things that has happened in the past 4 years. No more phone calls. No more text messages. Emails? Yes. But very few. And the police? Oh, yeah. They're on my side at one police station now. D. has created so much trouble there that they all know who he is. And he has NOT made friends there.

D's pitbull (aka, his attorney) is his codependent colleague, bully to me, and quite possibly paramour. She has taken over for him on trying to manipulate me, to attack me, and to bully me. Thankfully, I have figured this out. And I realize, not only is she just another evil person in this world, but she has fallen for everything that he has said is true--and she believes him. Like I once did. I don't feel sorry for her. However, I am aware of "what" she is. And God knows everything. D. will dig his own grave--and she will be left standing over it, open and gaping with fresh dirt, speechless. She will be left looking down at his body. And they will have done it all on their own.

God protects and provides for me and my children. He is greater than all others. He has already overcome this world and all the evil within it. Thanks be to God.

And His mercy and grace and protection rain down upon me and my children. Even on the hard days. Even when I cry out to him for relief from oppression. And He hears me. And He has brought me back to "the land of the living".

I am grateful.

Hello, Blog!

2010-06-24T23:44:00.003-06:00

Wow. It has been nearly 6 weeks since my last post. I think that's a record. I feel like I need to dust off my blog window or something.

Life...has been taking its twists and turns. Hard to summarize, but I'll attempt:

* Things got "on" again with TF (big surprise, I know), and now they are off again. He is the guy I can't seem to quit. I'm trying. Again.

* In and out of court. Three court dates in three weeks. It's all-consuming and draining.

* D. and his attorney are on the rampage and trying to incite me. Those two really are a match made in, well, hell.

* Wrote my life experiences up to age 13. It's been very cathartic and at times surprising what comes out of me emotionally when I write. And I have to process it all. So much more to go. It's taking time.

* Still no steady employment.

* Kids are good. Cute, full of energy, home for summer...just making the effort to enjoy them.

* My perspective on life is getting better. By that I mean that even though some really rough sh*t can be going on, I try not to see it as the end of life. I believe that there is good to come and I just try to focus on it, as much as I can.

That's about as good as it gets tonight. Hopefully, my absence will decrease, but I cannot make any promises.

It's Time

2010-05-15T19:12:00.003-06:00

Yesterday, my therapist gave an edict:

Write down everything that has happened to you.

Where do I even begin...

I've been putting her directive off all day today. Now, it is time. I need to do this. I know that I do.

It's not that it's anything new--the concept of writing about my life and my experiences up to this point. It's what will go into the book that I'm currently working on.

It's the painful memories that I'm avoiding.

And the voice of my mother as I attempt to just tell my story. I can hear her telling me why I shouldn't write something this way or that way, or why my life wasn't really that bad. Trying to fight past her voice--and others--is one of the obstacles to overcome.

Delving into the experiences of my life by exposing them in words is like plunging off a high cliff into choppy, murky, thick, swamp-like waters. I don't know what all is below the surface; I only know I'm going in and on purpose. And it also feels like wading into molten lava. Again, I can see myself intentionally walking into it, as if it were the calmest decision I have ever made.

I cannot see how I am upon emergence from either of these two "seas".

But it's time for me to go, to enter. To face the pain, the fear, the anxiety, the anger, the hot tears, the screaming...

I pray I come out stronger on the other side. Here goes...

Happy Mother's Day!

2010-05-09T04:00:00.000-06:00

To all the mommies here and to all my IRL mommy friends. You all rock!

Have a WONDERFUL Mother's Day!

Picking Up Where I Left Off

2010-05-08T22:02:00.005-06:00

Yes, it's been a couple of weeks since I blogged.

But not since I've written.

I went away last weekend by myself for about 48 hours. One of those rare getaways that ideally I need about every 3-4 months. The kind where I finally get to sleep as much as I want, where the only timeline I'm on is when I have to be back home and get my kids, and where I can read and write and decompress and meditate and cry and pray and just relax.

The kind where I step out of survival mode for a stolen moment in time.

The kind where I regain my sanity to the fullest extent that I am able to.

I've been hiding from my blog, so to speak. The curious thing about a blog is that you cultivate an audience. This is a good thing. However, when it starts to mess with what you feel like you can actually write--when it halts your voice and you question what you say too much--then, or at least for me, I have to step back from it. And that is what I have done.

Last weekend I wrote about ten pages of just stuff inside of me that needed to get out. Doing that helped re-open my voice...I allowed the freeflow of thoughts, words, emotions, my spirit...no matter how profane, how incoherent, how unimportant any of them might have felt to put here. It was my time to just be and say whatever I wanted and needed to. Oh, and I didn't worry about the editing so much either. That was nice. :)

I want to stay on track even when I'm here, back home, in "normal" life...to keep writing like I did. I have this goal of publishing a book--or rather getting one published. Hopefully I can get enough put together this year. Hmmm. We'll see.

The other thing about blogs is that they become "Update Central". And when I know I've lapsed in writing or reading blogs, then I feel overwhelmed and also hide; I cannot realistically, with my life being what it is, stay on top of blogging in general. Maybe in the future when things have calmed down (if that ever happens?)...

So, speaking of an update, here's what I have for now:

* MG and LB are currently healthy. Although MG was appearing sick this evening...ah, man...

* Hoping for and awaiting some good news regarding potential work this summer.

* I applied for a Census job and got a great score on my test. Now, they can't find my application. Three days of phone calls and no one can find it. Oh, the irony! (The Census can't track down the application of someone who came to them and gave them plenty of info.)

* Things with TF...still...messy. Something happened recently that brought out my full fury against him. And just when I was ready to write off even a friendship, we had a good heart-to-heart. I know that I can't be more than friends with him. What's hard is the "space between"--trying to just let things be when I haven't reconciled myself with what is best. Yet.

* My inability to trust boys (notice I said "boys", not men, because a real man can be trusted) runs strong and deep. It affects me and my interaction with almost every one of them to the point of just not knowing HOW to trust or when. It hurts and I wish there was a fix-it pill that could lead me to trust. I'm stuck right now in neutral.

* Things with D. are calm for the moment. I prayed a LOT last weekend for how to deal with D. when I know I'll have to do it for at least another 14 years.

* Finally, I still find myself very grateful for the friends and people that God has placed in my life. When I have the time and clearness of mind to reflect on these people and how each of them have blessed my children and I time and time again, I thank God for them. I would not be where I am today if not for the love and grace and mercy that they have bestowed upon us.

The Struggle...of Choosing Not to Fight

2010-04-25T23:17:00.003-06:00

Take me to a place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

(“Answer” by Sarah MacLachlan)

The Friend (aka, TF) and I have been on-again-off-again for the past few weeks. I'm struggling with this...for a variety of reasons.

I do not know what to do with this person in my life. I do not know what to do with myself in this situation. I have this quasi-man in my life with whom I have a quasi-relationship. (That should say enough right there, shouldn’t it?)

I know that my BF won't be happy. (Sorry.)

TF and I have been off and on for almost two years. Nothing has changed in his statements. Nor has it really changed in his actions. By the latter, I mean that he still pulls back at some point when we start to get close. And yet there are other things he has done that have been honoring of my requests (not enough to seal the whole deal, however).

Some say that I need to have no contact with him and move on. This, however, is like telling me that I cannot have chocolate--I will only think about it all the time and want it all the more.

Some say that I need to decide whether I can accept him for who he is and where he's at and if I'm willing to be patient with him. There are those who think that he just needs time and no pressure.

In situations like these, if a friend comes to me with a similar quandary, I ask, "What does your gut say?" The problem is, my gut's "voice" gets muddled by the bickering and convoluted thinking going on between my heart and my mind. There is no clear answer.

There are a lot of people in my life--both here and IRL--who are in love and in wonderful relationships. Yes, there is a strong part of me that wants to experience that.

However, what I really want--what I desire to know--is "home". I want to know being at home with someone. And with TF, sometimes I feel that so strongly. Feeling that makes it hard to leave and walk away. For good.

We all have our walls. QT Mama blogged about this a few days ago, and many of the rest of you have as well in your blogs. I know that I have mine. And TF has his and they are HUGE.

Are he and I both fighting each other? Are we both putting up walls? Or is he definitely pushing me away more than not?

The question that comes to my mind--one among many--is, How much longer am I willing to accept what he keeps giving me?

I cannot be platonic friends with this guy. Not at this point in life. Perhaps, never. I am attracted to him on many levels and I desire him. I keep wanting to love him, and I do love him.

I don't know what to do. What I DO know is that he cannot fully love me right now. He just can't. He is not able to with the things that are blocking that love. The question is, could he ever love me? That...I do not know. And I don't know if I'm patient enough or trust him enough to wait and find out.

So then how do I let go?

Terms of Acceptance

2010-04-12T22:49:00.003-06:00

What I want to do: Watch a movie and forget about the world.

What I also want to do and I know is good for me to do: Get out the things that are filling my thoughts and consuming my emotional energy.

I've mentioned in recent posts and on Facebook coming to terms with my life "as it is". A switch went off in me recently. As in within the past week or so...the switch that when it's on says, "Fight like hell, Amira". And when it's off (which, I'm not sure it ever has been) says, "Accept the present."

This does not equal me giving up on life becoming better. On the contrary, and as Momma Sunshine said on my Facebook page, it opens me up to the possibility of new and better things.

I do not know how NOT to fight...to fight to survive, to fight to be perfect, to fight to be the best at everything, to fight to be right...the list goes on.

The messages I have understood all of my life have been: If I'm not fighting, then I am a loser, a quitter, someone who didn't try HARD enough. And those things? Are completely and totally unacceptable. And they also mean that I am unworthy of the good and deserving of the bad.

I can always beat myself up more. I can always say, "If only I had done [fill in the blank]." But what has all of my fighting gotten me in the past 4 years or 6 years or 34 years? What?!

The answer for me right now is this: Spinning my wheels and exhausted. And so, the switch got flipped. I'm not sure exactly why, but it did.

So, when sh*tty things are happening, when the horrible moments come (which they inevitably will), I will be in them, get through them, accept them, and do my best to make peace with them.

Next up, coming to terms with my fear of relationships and commitment. Just when I think I get one thing resolved...

A New Day

2010-04-07T23:39:00.001-06:00

Today I am living in a different state—a state of gratitude and a little bit of wonder.

Today was a good day. Enduring the moments that I did last night, there seemed to be some counterbalance by this morning.

I had a meeting today and the word “kaleidoscope” came into the conversation. The other person said, “I have a kaleidoscope from the early 1900’s and it’s amazing—unlike any I’ve seen today. It seems like they aren’t around anymore, or that kids don’t appreciate them. It’s probably because they have TV now and just watch that—that’s what they look at all the time.”

It’s true—if we fix our eyes primarily on one thing, it affects our vision, our perpective on life.

A week ago, I found out that a substantial source of my income is no longer available. It left me in one position: to put it back on the Provider and say, “This is my state now. You want me to trust You, then I need You to provide.” It was sublimation and subjugation. I have reached a point—at least right now (because things can change emotionally from “point” to “point”)—where I am genuinely trying to accept what IS in my life and to trust the Greater One to do good.

Today, the good came through. Income I did not expect, in three forms, is coming to me.

I am grateful. I am happy. I even experienced a taste of joy.

Acceptance of what is is often disparaged when it appears all negative. Perhaps the “what is” just needs a new lens for me to view through…a kaleidoscope…ever-changing, unexpected, but full of color.

The Wrench Thrown at Me

2010-04-06T23:31:00.003-06:00

Just when I tell God, “Okay. I will accept my life the way it is,” my acquiescence gets a wrench thrown into it.

Case in point: Today, D. doesn’t show up on time for the exchange to pick up LB. No communication saying that he is late, or whatever the situation is. If the situation was reversed and I was the one late? You can bet D. would not have stayed—unless he wanted LB off of his hands, which is also likely.

Long story short, D. doesn’t show up until 45 minutes later, after threatening to sic his bitch attorney on me and file contempt charges. LB, on the other hand, is now loathe to go to his "dad" and my heart is breaking by forcing him to go.

Moments like these…I feel my son’s pain, his anger and confusion, to the nth degree. I know what he is feeling because I was once subjected to the insanity. To now watch my son suffer it is almost unbearable. I am technically forced to pass off my son to his insane “father” when it’s the last thing, when it’s the very thing, that LB is begging me not to do. A mother’s heart can handle so much anguish, but the toxins released are damaging.

I leave the police station. Tears stream down my cheeks as I drive away and I beg God to protect my son…because I can’t right now. And it is the thing I tried and try so hard to do. It is what I was created to do. And when the thing that we are created to do as mothers is ripped away from us, we break down. We cry. We bawl. Our insides turn to bile and we feel everything that our children feel.

The thing is, I am subjected to these experiences on a regular basis. I am subjected to forcing MY son to be subjected to instability, insanity, neglect. And if I don’t abide by it, I risk losing my son even more.

It is in the midst of these situations where I am still to find some remnant of hope, of faith, that God is greater than all the other characters in the story…greater and more powerful than the bitch attorney…than D.…than the courts. And bigger and greater than my own anguish and heartache. It is in these moments where I am still to praise God and to trust Him, when that is the counterintuitive thing to do.

My heart still aches here tonight as I sit and type words on a screen, wondering and worrying over the emotional state of my young son. God is “my crag, my stronghold”. I have to hide within Him and hope that He will bring the ugly forces of “nature” outside to an end, without bringing too much harm to the innocent.

Lockdown

2010-04-04T22:06:00.005-06:00

I've gone back and forth on whether I should write what I'm about to on my blog tonight, or whether I should just type it in my personal files. I'm still unsure, but here goes...

*******

In the movie "The Brave One" with Jodie Foster, there's a scene where a kid was asked to describe what she looked like, since they were on a subway together and two guys were later murdered just before the kid got off at a stop. He said to the sketch artist at the police station, "Oh, wait. There's one thing I remember. She was on lockdown." Then it cuts to the scene showing her and she is stoic, staring ahead, without feeling.

Throughout the movie she struggles with and talks about how there is this "stranger within" her, how she can't go back to who she was before the incident where she and her fiance were brutally attacked and he was killed. In the movie, she also says to her fiance--with great anguish--as she imagines him still in their apartment, "You left a hole in me!"

This movie, the character's sentiments and these specific scenes resonate with me. Especially now. I feel like I, too, am in lockdown mode.

I haven't had my fiance murdered, nor have I taken up arms and started killing people in cold blood. But I get the feeling she experiences of tremendous loss, of not knowing how to identify with the rest of the world, and wanting to avenge something to address the "hole" in my heart.

When I go to my church--which is a wonderful church full of good and kind people--I immediately go into extreme lockdown mode. I have been in this mode at church for several months--I've lost track of the time. People say "hi" and ask how I'm doing. It's all I can do to keep that pasted smile on my face and say "fine" and just keep it to that and ask them how they are.

I do this because I can't bear the pain...I can't bear the pain of people trying to get close to me when they have no f*cking clue what I'm going through. I know that they care. But when someone asks, "How are you?", I don't feel like I can honestly divulge all the sh*t in my life because it would just leave them (a) with their mouths hanging open and thinking--but not saying--"Holy sh*t!", or (b) giving me that condescending look of concern and saying, "Wow, I'm so sorry. I'll be praying for you. That must be tough."

There's a single dad at my church who has--as I've only come to realize within the past several months--been interested in and pursuing me for a few years now. (I have absolutely no interest in him. He's nice, but not my type at all.) Today he asked me a simple enough question, "So, Amira, you ever take your kids to the movies?" Again, it's a simple question, it's small talk, there's nothing wrong with what he asked. But so many people go about their lives doing what they do, paying for things without worry, purchasing without a second thought--like going to see a movie. People who lead "normal" lives. My real answer in my head to him was, "No, J___. I struggle with trying to figure out how I'm going to buy shampoo or soap or toilet paper on a weekly basis. I haven't been to see a movie in the theater for about a year. I try not to talk about any of this to my kids and even though my daughter is sitting right here next to me, and she begs me every single day to go do something fun that other people take their kids to do, I have to stuff it inside and tell her, 'Another time, sweetie', and hope that she doesn't get anxious about money after I say that because she's so consumed by and talks about how poor we are, when I strive not to give that message to her."

My out loud answer to him? "No, we usually rent movies from the library and watch them at home." And I smile that smile I've become so good at.

Lockdown mode. It's a survival technique. It's something learned when you're trying to guard yourself against the dam of emotions breaking.

Another family at church today announced their very good news: the husband had been falsely accused of white collar crimes five years ago. They have been through the ringer, the husband and wife, this whole time...miscarriage, their son diagnosed with autism, unemployment, in and out of court and him risking imprisonment, financial drama...Two weeks ago, the husband was acquitted of the charges and he is finally free. It was, indeed, very good news and worthy of great praise and celebration. The wife is a former friend of mine. I was grateful for them, truly I was. But I couldn't help but feel wistful.

And then there are all those people who have gone through pain and difficulty in intimate relationships that ended in divorce, abuse, separations, break-up's, you name it. Those same people are now in amazing and loving relationships and they are thriving, happy, flourishing. And I, again, am wistful. Genuinely happy for them, but wondering, Will I ever know the same?

I fully realize that in putting my hand out in "Stop!" mode, and keeping people at a distance as well as hopes and dreams, I don't lessen my pain. That is my intent. It does not mean I am succeeding at it.

What I am really attempting to accomplish is to protect myself: I don't want to let anything in that might mess with the system...cause a fuss...create a greater clusterf*ck. I don't want to feel something that may just slip right through my fingers again...as has happened with intimate relationships, as has happened with the desire to know what it is to be a family, or to know financial security...all these things that I once tasted ever so briefly, and then had the decadent plate and even the fork yanked away from me. I see others now, with these things, and I feel like the observer--watching, but never knowing. Like a homeless person walking by a restaurant and seeing the opulently dressed patrons inside, eating, laughing, without any cares, and knowing that he or she can only watch.

Loss is a sentiment--an experience--I am all too familiar with. Loss of love, loss of relationships, loss of control...what does one DO with constant loss? How does one NOT grieve continually? How does one take each day and say, "Yes, I have lost. Now I WILL find joy even in the midst of it."

I know this is my challenge--to find the joy in this life as it is. Things--hopefully--will get better. Hopefully, I will know love again, as well as financial security, lasting happiness, and even physical health. The dreams are not dead, nor are my desires. Do I genuinely believe that I can and will receive all of these good things? Yes, I do believe. Do I believe that I am worthy of receiving them from Him? Some days I do, some days it is a struggle to believe.

But sometimes, I do go into lockdown mode. Just to get through a moment, a day or a week.

Brief Update

2010-03-30T23:59:00.000-06:00

Oh, time is a curious thing. The way it moves on its own...

For now, I can only update briefly.

* My friends treated me to the Patty Griffin concert last night. It was SO awesome! Her voice is amazing. First concert I've been to in five years.

* MG and I woke up with severe stomach pain this AM and she proceeded to throw up most of the day and literally just lay on the couch. Meanwhile, LB was still his spritely self and not sick. I coped. Still, it is certainly moments like this where I wish I had a partner to do double-duty with me. *Sigh*

* I broke down and ended the NCR with TF last Thursday. I reached a "point" and I could not stop myself from calling him. He came over, and, well...I don't know what to do now or where things stand. Trying to figure it all out. Yeah, he missed me.

* My dad's tumor was cancerous but non-invasive. That's all I know so far.

* I have been sick for nearly two solid weeks now. It's been a rough fall and winter for LB and I, sickness-wise. I am so ready to be healthy for awhile!

* Life is overwhelming me right now. I don't want to be on my computer anymore, I don't want to try to get stuff done...and I still want a man. What's wrong with this picture?

* I think it's safe to say that when I first started my blog and even a year plus in, most of the other single parents were, well, single. Now? Most of ya'll are in a serious relationship. And those of us who aren't are in the minority. Hmmmm.

* And thanks for the Kreativ Blogger Award from Adventures of a Little Mama! I will get to that...eventually.

Sometimes...

2010-03-27T22:22:00.004-06:00

Sometimes...

...I just want the world to stop. For everything to just stop, so that I can breathe and live, instead of survive.

...taking a dog for a walk, feeling the warm sun on me and the crisp air against my skin does my soul so much good.

...I see LB as a little man, instead of a boy; I imagine him when he is a teenager.

...it is nearly impossible for me to go months on end without touch and intimacy with a man.

...I want to just know, once and for all, how it feels to be truly loved by a man and wanted completely by him.

...I am blown away by the amazing people God has put into my life, and given to me as friends. I am truly blessed.

...all I wanna do is have some fun.

...I want the evil that pursues me and my family to be swallowed up and sent down to Sheol. For once and for the end of it all.

...I wish that I could trust people more easily. But the more sh*t that happens, the less I trust anyone.

...the mountains call to me and heart cries back to them, longingly. And I just. want. to. GO.

...it feels like I am so isolated. And sometimes, I feel His presence so strongly that I know I am not.

Annnnd...More Open Letters

2010-03-16T23:45:00.002-06:00

Dear Bloggers and IRL Friends,

I wish that I had more energy to give towards reading and commenting and to giving to you. The empath in me...the intensity with which I feel things...it leads me to protect myself when what little emotional energy I do have is poured out into my children, my family and to those closest to me. I do not like repeating this message, but I say these things because I want to convey that I care, even when I may not be communicating. And that I don't mean to appear negligent. I hope that you all can be patient with me. Thanks.

Amira

Dear MG,

My dear, sweet MG. Girl, you are wearing me OUT. Seriously. I don't know what is up with all the behavior and attitude these past few days (and some of the past few weeks), but...damn. It's like you're 13 years old. And you're only 7!

I love you. I think, maybe, we may be a little too much alike. And we're clashing. But that doesn't explain all of it. No way, miss.

*Sigh* I'm praying about what to do here. As your mom, I'm at a bit of a loss over how to address the "issues" at hand. We'll get through it, I know. But I wish this wasn't happening right now.

I love you, always.

Your mom

Dear LB,

Thanks for being sweet and funny and for playing well while Mommy and MG work through things.

Also, please, for the love of all that is good, just stay in your bed when it's time to go to sleep. Please.

Mommy

Dear Sister #2,

Praying, praying, praying for you. Focus not on the evil at hand, but on what the Almighty Good of God will do in this situation. Something good WILL come of this. Believe in it, sis.

Love you,

A

Dear Tumor Formerly in my Dad,

Be benign. Thank you.

An Oldest Daughter

Dear BF,

Thank you for being my biggest fan and for not giving up on me. Thank you for being someone that I can entrust my heart to. You are exquisite. Don't EVER let me fail you for some stupid reason. You are amazing and I love you.

A

Dear God,

Where do I start? I am working to stay positive and to think positively and to visualize good things. As life seems to go, I got tripped up in the last few days. I'm not completely off the new path, but You have to help me here.

You want to help me? Help me. You want to show me that You're in charge? Then take over. (Wait, maybe these are stupid prayers...)

I guess what I'm saying is, Here I am--I'm waiting on You. Is that what I'm supposed to do? I don't know anything anymore--that's how it feels all too often.

Me

Quickie Open Letters

2010-03-11T23:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Dad,

I know that you have surgery tomorrow. I asked you how you were feeling about it and you basically said, "Fine. More worried about you." *Sigh* See, this is where I wish you would open up a little more. (Other times, I wish you wouldn't open up so much.)

I've had so many mixed emotions during the past several weeks towards you. I don't know what to feel sometimes. But I don't stop being worried about you, or loving you, or wishing for a better relationship between us.

I'm not sure what else to say. I hope for the best...whatever the diagnosis of the tumor.

Love,

Your Oldest Daughter

Dear Modeling Hobby o' Mine,

I really, really, really like you. Thank you for helping set free my creative spirit. That felt good tonight!

Amira, Famous Model Wanna Be (but happy doing what I am!)

Dear Sister #3,

I know things are hard and that you need a break. Just hold on, sis. Hold on. Remember that Someone greater than you is taking care of you. FEEL it.

Love,

Your Big Sister

Dear LB,

I love you and I miss you. Having you away for three days at a time...it makes me appreciate time with you all the more when you are here. Can't wait to see you tomorrow!

Love,

Your Mommy

Dear Nice Guy,

Whoa. Dude. I saw your recent picture tonight. You do NOT look good. I'm sorry to say that, and normally I wouldn't. But it looks like life has been treating you HARD. I hope you are doing well.

Amira

Dear TF,

I still miss you. Every single day, I think about you throughout the day. It has been SO hard to go without your friendship, to not have any communication at all, and to not know how you're doing.

I pray for you every day. I hope that you are doing well. And the kids miss you. A LOT. We all do.

Truly wishing you well,

A

Learning How to RETHINK

2010-03-10T23:29:00.005-07:00

So I watched "The Secret" two nights ago. I think the biggest thing it just pushed me over the edge to--because I was already finding that path--is HOW TO THINK DIFFERENTLY.

This is no small task, as I've mentioned before. I come from a long line of pessimists, negative thinkers, negativity dwellers. And as much as I love these people (my family), I know that what I was taught? It ain't doing nobody no good. Including me and my children.

And so, I am not so much a "Secret" convert as I am a "You've Got to Think in a Different and More Positive Way" convert.

I wrote up a list of statements and put them on my bathroom mirror. I read them every morning and night. I visualize what I've written.

MG, who has become obsessed recently with money and talking constantly about being poor, all because she so badly wants to visit my family again and is afraid it will take another two years (like last time), I am teaching her to think differently, too. Every day each person in our little family will say what their three good things of the day are.

I am reading "On Becoming Fearless" by Arianna Huffington.

I am trying to remember to thank God every morning and every night for something.

I am making an effort to not look at things online (read: certain people's *cough TF cough* sites) that only make me upset or feel hurt.

I am trying to focus on the positive, the good, and what can be and WILL be--instead of my current situation.

And you know what? This rethinking thing? It takes work. Like a boat jetting off in its own direction, I find I must constantly re-commandeer it and steer it to where it really needs to go.

Will I have my days where I "relapse" or don't do so well on this new train of thought? Sure. And I will try to be kind to myself.

But the work? It is WORTH it. I feel different. I see things differently. And that is a good thing.

What's Going On

2010-03-06T14:49:00.003-07:00

I feel as if I need to start this post off by saying, "Yeah, I'm okay."

What happened a week ago...again, I'm not going into details here. Enough people IRL know as it is. But suffice it to say, it impacted me. And the impact isn't over with and the repercussions of what occurred...it's hard to say how long they will reverberate.

I have so many things to get out of my head and heart that I don't know where to begin. This may really be a free-flow post...

* I guess to start with, I feel like when I look at myself, I'm disappointed. What I feel like I see is someone who is selfish, self-absorbed and who is quite possibly no better or different than those she holds such strong anger against (i.e., my dad). Am I really that narcissistic, too? Am I a bad friend? Do I bring about more harm than good? These are some of the questions spilling through my mind and they are disturbing. I don't know how to digest or process them all, other than to seek the TruthHolder and discuss it with Him.

* It has been six weeks of NCR with TF. I know that some of you are very proud of me for that. For me, however, it feels like I am just counting days, as if I am in jail and scritching a line on the wall for each 24-hour period I make it through. Not a healthy perspective. And it has been extremely hard to explain to MG and console her as she misses him. I'm at a loss sometimes.

* Someone that I met has been inspiring me to get my ass in gear and move forward with my dreams and goals. This is a good thing. However, my constant battle with fear, anxiety and low emotional energy have me feeling like I'm in the Army "Go Go Go!" phase some days, and in the, "I can't get off the couch" on others. It's a battle of myself vs. energy and self-confidence. If I have people who refuse to give up on me, who keep believing in me, it doesn't solve the problem but it goes a long way towards keeping me motivated.

* I am tired of living in survival mode. It has been 4 years now. And then, I had that mode going on during most of my childhood. This is not what I have worked towards as a way of living.

* I have some new goals, which I really ought to write down. Some of them include:
* No matter what is going on in life, find the positive and be grateful every single damn day. This is no small feat for me. I did not learn how to do this. It truly requires a restructuring--a rewiring--of my brain, my thinking. I see the value in doing it, however, so I am trying. Hopefully, more and more of it will seep out here.
* To just be. Recently when I was praying/meditating, I asked a question I've asked a thousand times before: What do I do? I believe what I heard is true: Just be. I think that attempting to grapple what that means is an enigma for me. To "just be" who I am...it then leads me to ask, "Who am I?"
* I want to get off government assistance as soon as possible. This probably would mean within one year, to be realistic. But honestly, who knows. I would never have imagined I would be without steady work for this long. It's never happened before.

* I find myself in defensive mode these days, too. Last weekend's experience only exacerbated that even more. I'm struggling through anger--the kind that resides within you and eats away at your soul, even when you don't want it at all. I'm trying to work through getting it out. But I just feel like I cannot trust anyone except for those I know well. And I feel like, to be blunt and honest, I really dislike guys. Yet, last night, I found myself missing the company of being with a man and wishing I could just have a taste of it again. But do I trust being with one? Hardly.

* Vacillating between wanting to just be taken out on a date and feeling nauseous at the thought of being with anyone but TF. That is really where I'm at. TF, when we were together, never actually took me out on a date. Money issues. Commitment issues. He bought me a meal here and there, but it was never a "date". It would be nice to be treated out to one again, since it's been so long. But imagining being with anyone else makes my stomach sick. It's a dilemma.

* And I'm not ready for a serious relationship. As more and more time goes by, I find myself doing quite well with not being with someone. Not a bad thing. I think the last time I was in this place was...well, I can't remember, actually.

And I'll end with this: In February, for the past few years, I've noticed hearing the birds singing, more loudly and as if in anticipation of spring. It is a comforting, soothing sound, their chirping. And it amazes me how, even though they don't know exactly when winter will end, they go on in anticipation and in faith that it will. They just hold on to this "fact".

What if I were to be like them? To hold on to the faith and the hope that this winter of my life will eventually end, even if it seems utterly unending? Even if 4 years, or 6 years, or 10 years go by...does not spring come again some time?! It has to. When and how, only the Maker of the Seasons knows. But I gotta hold on...somehow. And, I need to sing.

The Power Within Me

2010-03-01T23:24:00.004-07:00

If you attempt to take away someone's power, to intimidate them and strip them of their rights, you only give them impetus to rise up and fight even more.

While I will not go into details here, I went through an experience this weekend unlike one I've endured thus far. And my recently prevalent feelings of fear and insecurity have been welded and forged into a power within me that is like steel, which can endure the heat of many more degrees of pressure.

I do not go down without a fight. I do not stand for injustice, especially when it is directed at me as a woman and a mother. If a force wants to reckon with me, let them be prepared to enter the battlefield.

I have now known violations of my rights in a new and eye-opening way. I have now known a new kind of fear and I have overcome it. I stood up to a powerful force and said, in essence, "You cannot destroy me or defeat me."

And in the words of my dear friend, KB, "You are the one with balls, Amira; D. had his bought and paid for by someone else."

To those who try to destroy me: YOU CANNOT.

To D.: The very sword that you attempt to wield at me through cowardly means, it will be the very one that you fall upon.

To the Ultimate Judge: Bring justice and bring it fully to me and my children.

The Request

2010-02-18T19:25:00.005-07:00

To the creator of singlemamadrama.org : Who are you?

*******

Struggling today...

...struggling very hard to not call TF, when he has been brought to mind in so many ways. LB asked about him today and yesterday. MG asked about him within the last few days. Intense dreams almost nightly about him. "Feeling" his energy (wherever he is). Missing so many things about him.

...struggling to not feel isolated and angry at everyone, at the world.

...struggling with the epiphanal (is that a word?) question that came to me last night and my subsequent answer that has me reeling from only more introspection. The question? Do I believe that I deserve love, to know love, to be loved? My honest and painful ready-aim-fire answer--that shocked the hell out of me? NO. (An entire blog post all to itself. I am still processing through all the Q & A in my head first.)

...struggling to not feel like if I vent to those who do love me, that I am a burden.

...struggling to trust. Anything. Everything. Anyone. Myself.

...struggling to do everyday tasks such as working, laundry, dishes, filling out forms, driving kids around, dealing with D., with stacks of things that I need "to do" on list after list.

...struggling to not feel that those whom I want to believe in me are losing their faith in me.

...struggling to believe what I am about to write. And for that reason, and so for many others aforementioned and not, I write this letter.

Dear Grace, Mercy, Truth, Light, Hope, Creator, Giver of Life, Keeper of my heart,

I come before you so broken. You...already know this. You see who I am and what I am. You see my pain. You hear it, you know it, you feel it. This, I believe.

I have not given up on believing in You. I am asking You--no, begging You--to honor my faith in You...to please honor my not giving up on life, and in life, on not leaving my children, on not abandoning all hope.

But I also come to You and ask You for something I have not bluntly asked for before: Send someone who will bring hope and healing into my life. I know that I have many who love me, who have brought me healing, who have brought me hope. I am grateful for them and they are gifts.

But I believe You know what I refer to because this request came to me, was breathed into my spirit--it was not one that I had known to ask for.

This person does not need to fix me or save me or make my life all better. But I need to know what it is to be loved. I need to know what that feels like in a very specific way. It does not need to translate into romance, or sex, or physical intimacy, or someone who would necessarily be a companion in life. If those things come? I would welcome them with open arms and thank You abundantly.

Right now I just need healing. To be healed of this empty feeling of not believing that I am meant to be loved.

That is what I am asking for. I pray you send it and soon.

With gratitude and hope,

Amira

Fighting and Enough

2010-02-17T13:47:00.003-07:00

Thank you to all who commented and gave me kind and encouraging words on the last two posts. Your words and sentiments keep me going in moments where I feel like I cannot. Thank you for caring about me so much.

*******

This is one of those posts where I really need to just be honest and to get everything out. And yet, I'm struggling with the ability to even do that. Articulation feels like a cat running out of the proverbial box.

After experiencing some good feelings over the weekend, I hit a low on Monday. Word came to me, in a commonly off-handed text from my mom on Sunday night, "Sent you and the kids a package in the mail. And Dad has small mass in his bladder. Getting it checked out."

It is still hard for me at times to deal with my parents' "style of communication" (if you can call it that). The messages that they really send to me, between the explicit ones, are rife with implications that I do not care. Guilt trips. And the whole, "By the way, here's some little tidbit of info," when it's usually a serious health concern.

My dad has a tumor. He will have surgery in a few weeks. We won't know until then if it is malignant or benign.

The emotional spiral downward that this has sent me on has not been kind. The thoughts that go through my head and the coursings of emotions through my heart...I don't have the energy to deal with it.

I am praying to God--literally--to just keep me going.

I don't have the energy to be a mom. I don't have the energy to deal with the bills that I have due right now. I don't have the energy to work the one job that I have.

I am fighting, fighting, fighting to keep myself above the ground. It is all I can do to NOT lay there and give up.

What people do not realize is just how hard life can be for single mom's who have left abusive or unsafe relationships. I not only have experienced (and still do) the reality of this myself, but I see it play out in so many other women's lives. Some of them get back on top of things sooner than others, and that is all very good.

However, for women who have no family support, who do not have jobs or financial resources to cover all of their needs, who are constantly engaged in legal and other battles with their exes, who are dealing with injustice from the legal and "justice" systems, who cannot pursue their hobbies or afford to send their children to camps or other fun events, who cannot even go to the museum or zoo or other simple pleasures except on the overcrowded free days...

...it makes these women want to give up. Or to give in...to drugs, to alcohol, to unhealthy relationships, to living off the system, to suicide. You name it.

It is harder to fight than not to.

And the world? The world doesn't get it. They judge these women, look down on them, blame them, despise them, scarlet letter them.

Where am I going with this? This is not about being victims or playing the martyr role. This IS about me saying, "Enough is enough!"

For me, to keep myself off the ground and to keep fighting to survive in the midst of everything fighting against me, it is harder than I can even go into words here. My living room and bedroom are a kind of Garden of Gethsemane, where I have cried many, many tears and cried out, "How much more?" dozens of times.

I have started a fund for women. One where others can donate gifts of service or financial contributions to help these women get the simple but really necessary things, such as massages, money for legal fees, grocery cards, memberships to the zoo, and so many other things that most of us simply take for granted. I have seen and known enough of how hard this sh*t is. And I have also been given so many gifts from friends and new "family" here when I have struggled. It is time to make it a reality for other women.

I will share more about this later. Right now, I do not have the energy to share everything.

Finding More Healing

2010-02-14T22:40:00.004-07:00

When we see old things with new eyes, it can be a painful awakening.

In a recent post, I referred to my dad being abusive towards my mom and younger sister. (I realize that this topic is not "happy blog" fodder, but it is something that many of us can identify with so I will speak about it.) The specific information that was shared with me by Sister #3 was disturbing, at best. It wasn't that what she told me was anything new.

What was different was the way I "saw" it.

Growing up, we learn that whatever we're experiencing, we are to accept as "normal". No matter how twisted it is or how far from the truth of life it is.

And if it sticks in your craw, and you just can't seem to swallow it, it probably means your body recognizes, "This is not right. This is not the truth."

I had an intensive therapy session last week, which I have not had in months. I went in to see my therapist (who ROCKS!) and I knew that I wanted to address the issue above. What I came away with...I don't know how to articulate well.

I struggle with emotional energy, i.e., I have days "on" and days "off". I have found that, especially in the past year +, I can go and go for about three days, and then for about three afterwards, I have almost no energy.

In therapy, we're addressing that. What is the cause of this emotional-turned-into-physical energy suckage?

I was taught to deny my feelings, my anger and my true self. I was taught to serve all those around me (read: my parents) and damn me for having any needs.

After I described my father's recent "behavior", my therapist said, "Amira, your dad and mom both sound like narcissists."

I know that a lot of words get thrown around. "Narcissist" has been used and misused. Whether the term accurately applies towards my parents or not, what clicked for me here was the image work that she did with me in which I finally stood up for myself and told my dad, "Leave me alone." And then the next image that I had (note: these come to me--the therapist does not tell me what to imagine), was of the healthy me holding the hand of the "old" me, and telling her, "I will help you."

I realize that this may all sound surreal and ethereal and like therapy/self-help speak. For me, however, it has brought some internal healing. I do feel--a majority of the time--like the woman I saw in my image who is weary, dragging herself through life, just trying to keep herself above the ground. To not feel that most of the time? It is a hope, a dream, a goal...and not something that I feel many people in life can completely identify with.

What is my point? It is this: My perspective within the past week has gone from blaming myself for "failing" at relationships, to seeing that I was taught that this is all I could do (fail). And now, while I struggle to rebuild myself internally and emotionally, I feel like I can truly live. It is taking me some time, and the pain is not gone, but the healing has taken a leap forward. And that? Feels really good.

Relationship MIA Phase

2010-02-09T23:59:00.004-07:00

A lot of single parent bloggers seem to be in relationships right now. Honestly, it feels like more are than are not--or at least in the "circle" I'm in/read.

A year ago, I was struggling with jealousy, specifically jealousy towards these very people. Jealousy to the point of resentfulness, bitterness, anger. Not a healthy place to be in. But it was where I was at. I acknowledged it, was honest about it, and Grace moved me through that. Thankfully.

I find myself in an interesting place right now emotionally and mentally. Now, when I read about all these single parents who are happy in love and/or starting relationships, I'm not angry or bitter. I'm not resentful. Am I jealous? I don't think that's the appropriate word.

I guess I would say that I am wistful.

There is still that part of me that desires so much to know what it is to be loved by a man, cherished by a man, to be IN LOVE with a man...just to name a few things...

...but am I ready to *be* with a man? No, not yet. Well, let me clarify.

Yes, some day, I hope to be. Do I think it will ever happen? Right now, I'm in the 70%-of-me-doubts-it-phase.

I guess that I don't trust myself. And, with all that has happened with guys, and with some recent realizations regarding my dad, I really do not trust men. Again. Something I have struggled with most of my life. Even now, I look at and think about TF, and I ask myself, Should I have even trusted him? (Still no contact--don't worry.)

No, I don't trust myself to find a healthy relationship at this time and I don't trust men. Then how the hell can I find a way to a relationship, when that is really what I hope for?

I think it is best to say that I need to heal from some things. And, that if any man is going to step forth and have a genuine interest in me, then he has to prove himself. Really, truly, prove that he is a real man.

And so, for now, even though I miss a lot of things about being in a relationship, I think it is best that I am not in one. My focus is on my kids, on accepting what I have in life and being content with it, and on changing lives and the world. If a real man comes along and proves himself? Great. I'm just not banging down his door myself. He'll need to politely, but strongly, come knock on mine.

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you happy couples. Really and truly.

Open Letters Saturday

2010-02-06T14:54:00.002-07:00

Open letters...because sometimes this is the easiest way for me to really get it all out.

*******

Dear Dad,

It is amazing and odd and disturbing all at the same time to imagine that you are my father. I am absolutely furious! The things that Sister #3 has told me are going on make me literally sick to my stomach.

How can you treat my mom and my youngest sister like sh*t?! I don't care what your excuses are, I don't care about your hard upbringing and that you didn't get the fatherly love you needed. It doesn't matter anymore. It is now a CHOICE that you make.

I am so sick of how you treat all the women who have been in your house--that would be your wife and four daughters--like we are chattel that must merely be fed, sheltered and told what to do. You have not shown any of us respect, in spite of your nonstop lectures about it. You want to know what is wrong, and you cry about the lack of relationship that you have with each of us, and yet you manipulate, control, and emotionally, mentally and spiritually abuse our mother. What is wrong, you ask? You are f**king BLIND! THAT is only the beginning of "what is wrong"!

I do not hate you nor will I choose to. But I do not know how to reconcile my relationship with you, as the father I want to love and be close to, the one that I do not want to have unresolved conflict with when you die, and yet I cannot accept who you are because of what you choose to do.

You're almost 65 years old. Grow the f**k up. And treat us like you actually love us--for once.

Your oldest daughter

Dear TF,

These past two weeks have not been easy. I know that I said I wouldn't cut off contact, but I have. I cannot communicate with you right now, as much as I want to at times. What you presented to me, what was given and what was taken away, it is too much for me to try to go on being just some platonic friend with you right now.

Yes, there is so much that you gave to my children and I, and I am grateful for those things and for those moments. Those are some of the reasons why it is so hard for me to turn my back on you and walk away.

But you also sent conflicting messages...sometimes you wanted to play the boyfriend, sometimes you didn't. And when push came to shove, you would not step up and be a man.

You have hurt me and you have hurt my children. What's done is done. But I must move on and I must guard my children's hearts from any additional hurt that you could inflict on them by keeping you in our lives at this point.

And you keep going your way. I see that you follow the same pattern that you told me so long ago that you do...pursuing only those women with whom you know you will not actually have a long-term relationship with. And some of what you choose? My lord, it is really f**ked up.

This is your life, TF. You make your own bed and you lie in it.

I think of you often. I miss you in SO many ways, especially when I'm having to deal with D's sh*t and I cannot go to you for comfort. Those are the hardest times.

But there is nothing else to say at this time. Except that I continue to pray you find healing. Maybe one day soon, we'll actually be friends again. Until then, I wish you well.

A.

Dear boys/guys/male gender,

Sometimes, you make me sick.

And right now, I'm back at not trusting 95% of you.

Thanks.

Amira

Dear D.,

What I would give to not have to deal with you ever again...

I know that you have dozens of people--some of whom know both of us on some level--who believe you. They believe in what they see on the outside--this caring, outgoing, wonderful father who is a humanitarian and doing so much good for all.

But what they don't see are all the times that you are absolutely f**king insane.

The times when you say, "Please come spend the day with LB and I," or, "I love you," and the very next day you're saying, "Thanks for paying my lawyer's fees back," or, "The mother of my child is a very disturbed person."

I am fully aware that most people will never know the TRUE you. I realize that I will have to live with that fact and that of people thinking that I make all of this up. I realize that I have to try to focus only on LB and on not denigrating you ever in front of him.

But oh how I long for the truth to be known! And that you would stop playing the game of "I love you" and "you are Satan". I hate the game and am beyond ready for it to be destroyed.

Wishing for sanity,

LB's Mother

Dear Life,

I admit it--I am tired of you. I want a CHANGE!

Please turn around. Like, now.

Amira

Dear Fear,

Yes, I feel you. Yes, I acknowledge you. Yes, sometimes I focus so much on you that I don't do what I really want to.

But, I am learning. I am learning to acknowledge your existence, and to go forward anyway.

And every time I do that? You lose a little power each time.

So, take that.

Me

Dear LB and MG,

I know that you can't always understand why Mommy is tired or cranky. I know that things can seem hard sometimes. I know that you both wish that we could have a man around on a regular basis.

I want the best for both of you and, believe it or not, that is what I'm fighting for. It's just that sometimes the fighting wears me out, and then that is when you see Mommy not at her happy, relaxed self.

But I promise you this--I won't give up. Even though there are times when I want to--yes, even mommies want to quit sometimes--I cannot give up because you are the ones that I live for. My life has purpose and intent because of both of you.

I love you with all that I am.

Your Mom

Dear People Who Believe In Me,

Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your belief in me keeps me walking forward.

Amira Forte

Dear Elusive Hopes,

I am trying to hold onto you. So often, it feels like you keep what I want a thousand miles away...like looking out at sea and watching the ship go over the horizon, away from me.

God keeps me standing there, where the waves wash over my feet, looking and waiting for the ship to come back.

Should I be swimming out instead?

Believer and Keeper

Misc Monday Post

2010-02-01T23:59:00.000-07:00

One thing I should probably put up as a caveat button on my blog: I suck at meme's and awards. I'm sorry, everyone, but I just do. Case in point? Michele at Finding Trinity gave me the One Lovely Blog Award last September. That's right--September of '09. When am I finally acknowledging it and thanking her publicly (I at least thanked her immediately via email)? Now. So, yeah. Note to readers, followers, other bloggers - if you give me an award or meme, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and I *am* ever so grateful for it, but I will suck at responding to it.

*******

I have been doing amazingly well emotionally for two days in a row. And then, tonight, I did the stupid thing: I looked at pics of TF and I from when we did some modeling gigs together. It sent a little twinge of pain through my heart.

*Sigh* I miss him. There are many things that I miss, but one of them is how beautiful he is to gaze upon. And touching him. And...well, let's just leave it at that, shall we? Trying to keep this post PG-rated.

*******

Exchange between sister #3 and I tonight via text:

Me: Missing TF. How YOU doing?

S#3: Been nic-ing out bad. Lots of suckers today. If they made a TF patch, I'd send you some.

Me: LOL! Yeah, they should invent an "ex addiction" patch.

S#3: I totally agree. All-purpose addiction patch.

Seriously, why hasn't anyone invented this yet? Scientists? Hellllllooooooo!

*******

I was looking for some piece of random info in a folder today and I found a phone number...a phone number for someone that I have considered going and saying a few things to since I ended things with TF. As in, "By the way, here's why I didn't want to have contact at all a few months ago." This? Is a bad idea. Reconnecting with Nice Guy would not be wise on my part.

It would lead to him touching me, and me getting weak from it, because he has *that way* of touching me that sends me over the moon. But more because I really just want to stay on the path right now and not get caught up in some guy that I already know is just wrong for me.

So, I'm praying for protection against my own stupidity. Seriously, I pray that prayer. And I should probably throw his number away. Especially before I get drunk and even more stupid some time.

*******

I haven't praised my BF in awhile, but I must say this: she is my biggest fan and I would not be here, having made it this far, without her.

BF, I love you, and I am announcing it yet again because I want YOU to know how much you mean to me.

Facebook Addict Alert, and On the Seventh Day (of NCR with TF)...

2010-01-30T23:59:00.004-07:00

I finally started an account at Facebook. I am currently in the "new addict" phase. *Sigh* Really, this is just one of the reasons I've been putting it off. Spending all day checking my account? OMG, somebody kick me.

*******

But hey! At least it's healthier than joining a dating website...again. Which I did one year ago when things ended with TF then. Yeeeeaaaaah. So not doing that again. (At least right now.)

*******

I honestly do not want to date anyone at ALL right now. That's a good thing. TF and the whole mess with him, plus the emotional fallout from the ruling and adjusting to the new schedule of LB being here or not being here? Just...even if I did want to date? I simply don't have the energy or the desire.

*******

However, I did have fun with my little man today. Having him away more makes me really focus on the time that we do have, unlike before.

*******

Trying to not let depression kick my ass. It's been a battle, people. Honestly, I spent the last three days fighting through it and trying to actually be productive--some how, some way--each day. The loss of TF coupled with the loss from the ruling and then tripled with the loss of LB being around, it made me lose my bearings for three days mininum.

Huh. Does that mean I hit the "Bizarro World" Trifecta?

*******

Day 7 of NCR with TF. Let's see. I've put in "Do Not Answer" for his name in my cell phone. Eliminated him from my Messenger List. Removed him from speed dial. Yet I checked a few places where I know he is online. Bad, I know. But hey! At least I didn't contact him! Yea, me.

*******

To not have him in my life right now to comfort me when things are hard and to be doing okay, it is encouraging to know that I can make it through difficult times without a man.

And my friends took LB and I out for a nice dinner tonight. That and Facebooking it with other friends, and the phone calls, texts and emails with my BF and my sister, and all the prayers that I feel from so many people? It's making things okay. It really is.

30 Day Challenge, More MG, and Feeling It All

2010-01-27T23:59:00.004-07:00

My sister (#3) and I are doing a 30-day challenge together, though to break different "addictions". She is on day 3 of quitting smoking--I am on day 4 of NCR with TF. It's good for me to have the accountability factor and something else to focus on to make the NCR worth it (read: my sister's health).

*******

Having only MG for two nights in a row makes two things hit home: (1) that my life would be so empty without LB, and (2) that MG and I never have enough alone time together. And she needs more of it.

*******

I explained to MG last night that we wouldn't be seeing TF anymore. When she asked why I told her that he wasn't ready to be a boyfriend, and that he made some choices that had hurt me. And I told her that while we may be friends again in the future, I would not allow someone to be in our lives, in the way that TF was, but who wasn't good enough to be a husband and stepfather. I hope that she will be stronger than me at an earlier age because of my decision.

*******

I think I got only an hour of work done today. I spent a fair portion of it just trying to function, and getting caught up on emails from yesterday.

And then all the tension that I held in my stomach hit me later and I was feeling pain all evening. I watched about, oh, 3 + hours of TV. I don't do that very often.

*******

Every night since Saturday, when 8:00 PM hits, it feels like 12:30 AM (my usual bedtime).

*******

Our pet gerbil escaped the other night and then was caught. As I type, she is madly climbing and chewing away at her metal cage bars. I know, I know...having your freedom and losing it just sucks, little rodent. Get used to it.

*******

In my last post I mentioned needing to find something to help me believe in myself again. Here I am, more than 5 years post-divorce. One serious relationship (D.), one off and on relationship, and interspersed are times of being alone and dating in between.

Where am I now?

The truth is, I don't know. I am depressed, yes. And that is about as attractive as a fly on sh*t.

I am not, however, back to Square One--it's more like Square Two; I'm ahead of laying down the foundation, but I feel like I'm still holding bricks in my hands and building the walls.

I still long to know what it is to be a family with a man. Some may say that I should just be happy with what I have. Yeah, I know. But right now, every time I see a family together in public? It still hits me in the gut and I tear up from the desire in my heart to know what that is like.

I admit that I am also grateful for my freedom at times, and I have not forgotten how hard relationships can be.

I don't know. It's not that I don't know who I am, it's that I'm still working on being comfortable with being alone as a mother with two kids. That is not what I want ultimately. But it may end up being what is, and it is most likely best for me and for my kids that I find a way to be at peace with it so that I CAN get on with being who I am.

MG, LB, D and TF

2010-01-26T23:59:00.004-07:00

MG and I were watching "Chopped" tonight (one of our favorite things to do together). She saw one of the contestants lay out a huge fish on a cutting board and filet it and she said to me, "Ugh! Mom? If some guy comes into our house and brings a big ol' fish like that and wants to cook it? Then he is NOT the right man for us! I hate fish! And I don't want anyone making us some big fish!" I just about died laughing.

*******

LB had his first dental appointment today. It was not without some crying and resistance. After they put the fluoride on his teeth, for the next hour afterwards he kept saying, in his little 3-year-old voice, "Ugh! It tastes DISGUSTING!"

*******

After 3.5 years, I still have no f**king idea how I am supposed to "co-parent" with a crazy person. Case in point: D. wanted to make a dental appointment for LB all the way down in the suburbs, just because the pediatrician recommended one there. I told D. I would make an appointment with another great dentist up here. The result? After emails back and forth yesterday, I secured an appointment for LB today and took him. D. did not attend and plans to still take LB to a second dental appointment at the other office. Utterly f**king ridiculous.

*******

Really, there are so few people I have ever hated in my life. D. wins first prize in this category.

*******

Mindy sent me a link to another blog that talks about the "No Contact Rule" (otherwise known as NCR). Oye, people. Yeah, I haven't had contact with TF since Saturday night when I let it all out. I am going to try my damndest to stick to "no contact". But when I'm used to texting and emailing throughout the day, and chatting every night with him before bed? It is freaking hard. Especially now...

*******

...the first of three nights without LB. I am just in loss, people. In loss of my son.

*******

I don't want to date. I don't want to date. I don't want to date.

Yet, I need *something* healthy to help me believe in myself again, and to get my mind off of TF.

*******

The "Open Letter to the Magistrate" was reviewed and edited by someone I recently connected with. And what he wrote? It was so much more pointed and less diplomatic than mine. I can't even finish what I wrote as it is.

And what is going on now is a whirlwind of contacting politicians, and getting my debt issues addressed, and trying to launch some serious advocacy efforts on behalf of women like myself. It is fuel to the fire and I have dubbed myself the "Holy War Mama" and I am on the rampage.

Do I go Braveheart- or Gandhi-style? That's the question that hovers in my mind.

******

Another emotionally exhausting day. And when I go to bed at night, I lie there remembering the moments when TF used to lie there with me, naked and wrapped up in one another.

And, I miss him. I'm sorry to say it, but I do. I really do.

No More TF

2010-01-25T14:00:00.005-07:00

Comments returned from the last post.

I ended the "relationship" with TF on Saturday night. It was a long time coming. When I reached the point that I did last Wednesday, I reached the point of, "If I'm going to go through all of this pain and loss, I'd rather deal with all of it, then to tackle more of it again in the near future. Just give me the big plate--don't piecemeal it out to me."

I asked TF two point-blank questions: Does he know for sure he doesn't want a relationship, and is he still looking for someone with other qualities that he has mentioned he wants in a woman?

I prayed for answers and for clarity. And, I got them.

What he said did not surprise me at all, but some of what he said angered me to the core. And I laid out all that I thought and felt to him and it was brutal honesty.

I am now working through the pain--several times throughout every day--of losing the person I was closest to here, and someone who provided comfort to me so many times during moments of great difficulty.

So, as I continue to forge on, as I work on my "mission from God" to right the wrongs that are being committed in my life and those of so many other women, I miss TF. I miss him terribly. And I don't know when I will contact him again. I'm still very hurt and angry towards him.

Praying moment to moment, and feeling very emotional, and sometimes having tremendous moments of productivity. That's where I'm at.

Open Letter to the Magistrate - Part 1

2010-01-22T00:22:00.005-07:00

I spent some time with Mindy last night. We commiserated, we drank some wine, I tried to find the relevant Colorado statute that is screwing me for $3000 but may help her, and she commented on how powerful a recent "Open Letters" post was that I blogged.

Within the past 24 + hours, I've played out a lot of scenarios in my mind. Including sending a letter to the magistrate, or holding a sit-in at the magistrate's office in protest of the ruling. I don't know what, if any, precedents there are or similar actions that have been taken towards judges when they have ruled in ways that are clearly blind, negligent and downright inflicting of grievous injustice. Whatever the case, following are just a few things I would like to tell the magistrate.

I'm still working on the letter. What follows below is not the final version, but it does express much of what I have to say. Perhaps a letter every week for over a year would help the magistrate to finally "hear" me. Then again, maybe not.

But I cannot let things rest as they are right now. This is my time to tell my side of the story.

*******

(Note: The name has been changed to protect me, not the magistrate. Those of you who know German may get the pseudonym.)

Dear Magistrate Keinherz,

My name is ______. I leave this blank because my name is irrelevant. I write to you on behalf of my son. Recently, you made a ruling in which you significantly impacted his life, and the life of myself and my daughter. The three of us are a family. I am the primary provider for and mother to my children and I do this alone.

In my case, which was presented in your court more than once, I was not given adequate opportunity to present my side of the story. Unfortunately, my prior attorney did me a great injustice in her representation and as a result, you found me to not be "credible", as you stated. The lack of credibility factor, coupled with my son's father's resources to pay his attorney, who represented him to the fullest extent, has led to rulings, by you, that will now cripple my family and cause further suffering. As your court is deemed a "court of equity", I find that term mockingly cruel and a complete oxymoron.

Enclosed is a picture of my son. He is three years old. His father and I were never married. I left my son's father when my son was 9 weeks old. I left him due to abuse, rage, emotional instability and, in the end, physical assault. I had no family here, no job, no place to go live, with a 4-year-old daughter, and I left in the middle of a major snowstorm. What would cause a mother to do this? Rationally, there is no reason--unless she is desperate to leave an impossible or otherwise dangerous situation.

Over the next year, my children and I lived with friends--the only thing that kept us from being in a shelter. My son had medical challenges and I spent a substantial amount of time caring for him and taking him to appointments. I applied for several jobs, thought I had secured one more than once, but nothing came to fruition.

Eventually, we moved into our own place. I have managed to hold onto it, largely by paying with credit. While I have applied for more than 200 jobs, nothing has been secured yet. As a result, I have used up my savings, my children's college funds, and now nearly all of my credit.

I have food stamps which pay for food. I have other government assistance, which pays for heat and electricity. I have unemployment, due to extensions by the federal and state governments. I have a very small amount of self-employment income each month, which is a mixture of jobs I have found or created to piecemeal what I can to provide for my children. And then, I have used a substantial amount of credit, which is nearly maxxed out. Over half of that debt has gone towards legal fees.

Some of what I have written here, you heard very briefly in court. Some of it, you decided not to. I understand your position, as it was made abundantly clear.

Now, you have ruled for (1) my son's father to pay less than $100/month in child support, (2) for me to pay his attorney nearly $470/month, (3) for my son to spend 3 days and nights each week with his father, and (4) for my son to mandatorily receive a vaccine which can wait until he is 5 years old.

I am fully aware that as a magistrate, you see several cases throughout the year, and that you must rule in such a manner as you deem equitable and fair. While I strongly disagree, or rather object, to your ruling on my case, I realize that my letter to you here may not change your mind. However, here is the reality of how your ruling will affect my life and the life of mychildren:

To be continued...

Black Wednesday

2010-01-20T22:16:00.003-07:00

Today is a "day of infamy".

There is a verse in the Bible that talks about Rachel weeping for her children, and that a great cry would go out in all of Egypt. It may as well be here.

Today was the conference call between the attorneys and magistrate. D. and his attorney got almost all that they asked for. Here's what the magistrate ordered:

1. LB will begin having 3 day/3 night visits with D. every week, beginning next Tuesday. My request for transitioning LB into that much time was denied. My request to change the times so that I would at least have a weekend day off each week (versus every other week) was also denied.

2. I have to pay nearly $3000 directly to D's attorney for fees within the next 6 months. My financial inability to pay is considered irrelevant.

3. LB has been ordered to receive the chickenpox vaccine within the next 30 days, in spite of my request to wait until he is older. (This was an issue that D. beat to death. Once again, it was about control and attempting to show that I am not a good mother.)

While I was not surprised by this news, it still hit me like a tsunami. And the woman and mother inside of me wailed and screamed and cried at the sky. There are no words to fully express my emotions. Hence, the random spillage of thoughts that follow...

(Warning: Graphic and brutal honesty ahead.)

*******

Evil, you cannot conquer me and you never will. And my children will NEVER, ever belong to you!

Praise God in the midst of all of this!

Why, God, why?!

Wailing...wailing...crying...

Save my son, oh, God!

I think I will pay D's attorney in all pennies.

To her face I will say, "May the Lord God rain down upon you and your children and your children's children all the evil that you have inflicted upon me and my children! And may God use this money for good and not for the evil through which it was obtained!"

D. is celebrating his victory. For him, he has won.

D. wants me to kill myself and to claim final victory...to take LB for his own.

I would rather have someone or something beat the shit out of me than to feel and go through what I am now.

To LB's pediatrician: "You did not believe me nor would you speak out about when D. hit me in your office, so the case was dismissed. You wrote a note on behalf of LB claiming that he is 'just fine' that was used by D. in court. And because of your recommendation, LB will now be ordered to receive a vaccine that he may not be safe to receive. I realize that you want to remain neutral, but your inaction has inflicted great pain upon me and my son."

The people who get ahead in this life are the ones with plenty of money, resources and the ones who push and push and push their agenda. To be respectful, or patient, or to do what is right, it is punished.

Why do so many people (outside my friends) refuse to believe that D. is evil and insane?

Did my new attorney really fight for me? Or did he just do what he needed to do to get the job done?

"Vanity, vanity, all is vanity."

Oh, my son. My dear, dear LB. I am SO sorry for what has been ordered and what will be done to you. I have fought, I have fought as hard as I can for you. And still, they have done what is wrong. I hope that you will never become like your father...never.

I can't...stop...grieving.

I don't want to do anything anymore.

God, show me--give me--a reason to live!

God has seen fit to allow all of this to happen. I don't know why. Why? And He has seen fit to have me alone and without a companion to be by side in this. May it be as He wishes...

...Perhaps I am meant to always be alone.

What good can come of all of this?!

What will my son become?!

I hear in my mind the "I love you's" of dozens of people who care about me.

I feel the Spirit wrap Itself around me and hold me, comfort me.

I wish that I had never, never, never met D. Never.

Once Again--What I Believe

2010-01-18T23:15:00.005-07:00

I realize that many people believe in positive thinking and about having a positive outlook in life. I think that these are good things. I have no disagreement with trying to achieve that kind of goal.

However, in my life I find myself asking, "How much more?", and, "Why?" more often than not.

I want the day to come where I come onto this blog and say, "Hey! I finally found and have that lasting, committed relationship I've been longing for my whole life!", or, "I have a job and am not struggling to get by every day!", or, "I no longer have to deal with D. or the legal quagmire I've been in!", or, "My kids are healthy, I'm healthy, and we have been for more than one month!", or, "I have no car problems anymore!".

But that? Not happening.

Is it my fault for having a poor perspective? For not practicing enough positive thinking? For not trying hard enough to see the good in life? I don't know.

Honestly, I don't think it's that simple of an answer.

For some reason, the reality is this:

Some people--a lot of people, actually--have lives that are very, very hard. And some people do not. They just don't. This is life.

For those who have it very, very hard, we can make assumptions and judgments. We can say, "If only she had/would/could _______, things would be better for her."

Can we really do that to one another? Can we really tell one another how to walk in each other's shoes, when we have not even come close to being in them?

I'm sitting here tonight debating whether or not I should even keep blogging right now. Why? Because I don't have anything positive to report and I don't know when I will.

My post from nearly a week ago was the beginning of the week. By Saturday, I had been told by my attorney that D. will most likely receive the stamp of approval from the judge to have LB for three solid days and nights every single week. LB is 3 years old. And D. is insane and evil. I will be asked (unless there is a miracle between now and the judge's decision, which is most likely on Wednesday) to turn my son over for almost half the week to the insane sperm donor.

I think only Mindy and Cyndi could possibly fathom what I felt when I heard this news.

Before that phone call, I was diagnosed with a medical condition caused by a weakened immune system due to stress. *Raises hand* While the condition isn't life-threatening, it certainly isn't without pain, without possible embarrassment, and it's NOT something I want to deal with for the rest of my life.

Finally, on Saturday, the potential job offer I was positive that I just might get, that was perfect for me, was not offered, but withdrawn.

I have more questions for God than answers. I try to hold onto my faith, and to thank Him in the midst of everything, and to *believe* that there IS a reason for all of this and that the good will come.

But f***ing WHEN?!

So, is where I'm at my fault? Have I not enough faith or trust in God? Do I simply have the wrong perspective or outlook on life?

Who knows.

But I will be honest and say, Stick a fork in me--I am SO overdone. So, so very overdone.

But perhaps constantly venting it out here...is serving no good. Am I accomplishing anything?

I can identify more with the writers of the Psalms than any other place in the Bible. Yeah, I ask God "why?" a lot, and I admit my pain, my confusion, my resentment, my unmet desires, my longing for justice in an unjust world.

What do I believe in anymore?

I still believe that God is a good God.

I believe that nothing is wasted in life.

I believe that there are some things we have no control over.

I believe that while positive thinking is good, it does not solve problems.

I believe that we are to work as hard as we can to help ourselves, but there is a point at which we must rely on God to help us, too.

I believe that God can and WILL do whatever He wants, to accomplish something far greater than we could ever imagine.

I believe that if God wants me to have a steady income/job, or a lasting relationship with a man, or a way to get through the legal quagmire and dealing with D., that He can provide all of those things--with or without my efforts.

But sometimes--actually most of the time, of late--my faith, trust, hope and beliefs are tested to the core. And sometimes, I do not want to try to hold onto them any longer because it hurts too much and it is too damn hard.

This is my honest post.

Welcome Back to Life As You Know It

2010-01-12T23:54:00.004-07:00

Today appeared to be my official (or unofficial) "Welcome back to life as you know it, Amira" day.

*Sigh*

So, after getting my car back yesterday--after paying $700 to fix it *cough, cough*--today contained the following:

* Waking up in the middle of the night to LB having croup.
* My attorney having a phone conference with D's attorney and his psychiatrist about whether D. is stable enough to have 73-hour visits each week with LB. (I haven't heard back on that yet.)
* Going to the doctor's with LB for said croup.
* Afternoon plans completing changing and racing around town for 2.5 hours to accomplish what would normally take a more realistic, oh, full day.
* MG and LB asking me exactly 2,874 questions.
* Trying to figure out how to pay for bills and necessities. AGAIN.

Oye. The life I lead. Only, it seems to lead me more than me it.

The good news: I saw TF tonight. We were supposed to go see a movie--as in one in a theater (been months since I have)--but that wasn't happening with everything. So, he suggested coming here and watching one. Just like "old times".

It was the first time we'd seen each other in a month. I've been anxious about us seeing one another again...not wanting to fall into his arms so easily when I know that HE doesn't know what he wants yet. Trying to guard my heart and told him as much a week ago.

Other good news (I think): we have a pet. A gerbil, to be precise. MG is thrilled (it's officially her pet) and so is LB. And they were also very happy to see TF again (who is kind of like a really big pet).

He is trying to make little changes, I can tell (unless I'm totally wrong)...things that mean something to me. And I do appreciate his effort. The question is this: Can he stick with it long-term and what does it mean for him?

And, on a more shallow note, TF and his hair...I met him when it was thick and past shoulder-length. Then he shaved it off--ALL of it. Now, it is about two inches on his head. No matter what that boy does with his hair, he is one of THE finest men I have ever laid eyes on. Seriously. I just want to keep him around for his yumminess factor sometimes.

Oh, and my goal of blessing one person a day? I'm failing. "Not happy, Bob. Not happy." (LB's favorite line from "The Incredibles" and a frequent one-liner around our house.) I'm not giving up on my goal, but I need to get it right.

What Amira's Up To

2010-01-09T23:59:00.002-07:00

Things I'm up to lately...

* Tried CorePower Yoga for a week for free. Loooooooooooved it. Just call it sweat yoga. I've never sweat so much during a workout! Wish it didn't cost freakin' $75 a month. Boo! I miss it already.

* Not seeing TF until he asks to see me. Going on three weeks now (last saw him when he dropped us off at the airport). Part of my whole "perspective" thing that I gained over the holidays. It's not that I don't WANT to see him (I do). It's that I feel like, if he wants to see me or spend time with me, I need to allow him to show that and take some initiative. Well, that's part of it anyway.

* Trying to focus on the good in life--every day. Some days, I know that I will do better than others. I will still have my cry-on-the-living-room-floor-and-feel-like-I-want-to-give-up moments.

* Paying $700 to repair my car. After just paying $300 one month ago to repair something else. My car? It's worth $500. Been salvaged twice. Is 16 years old. And has 217,000 miles on it. Um, yeah. Momma needs a new job pronto.

* Trying to find a way to bless some one every day. It's not as easy as it sounds. (Or does it?) But when I do do it? I feel like I'm doing something right.

* Trying to play more with my kids. It's not my strong suit. But, it's important and part of my seeing things differently.

* Hoping and waiting to hear on a possible job offer.

* Trying to figure out how to go without sex for much longer. (Sorry. Blunt, but honest.)

* Writing letters...to TF, and soon to my mom and to my dad. I have a lot to say and get out.

* Staying on top of tracking my finances. Better than I have in years. And not totally hating it.

* Visiting churches to find a new church home. The big shocker here? I'm visiting Catholic churches. I grew up in the Quaker philosophy so it's like, "Quaker Girl Goes Catholic". I might as well join the NRA, it's that much of a contrast (not that Catholics are equivalent to the NRA).

* Figuring out what to write first for a book about my life. I don't know how or where to begin. But it's building up and needs to get out.

A Quick Thank You

2010-01-04T23:59:00.002-07:00

I am attempting to catch up on contacting those of you who have commented on my past blog posts, or who have become recent followers. Some of you are now linked here. Some of you may not be (nothing personal--just may not have gotten to yours yet).

I want to say thank you again to those who have stuck with me, reading and commenting, and to new followers, and to those who keep encouraging me. Thanks for not giving up on me!

A New Beginning

2010-01-03T23:47:00.003-07:00

I cannot even begin to catch up tonight on blogging.

I noticed that I only wrote two posts in December. Two.

I have not really been able to blog. I have had to just let this project lie for awhile...as I just survived and held onto whatever bearings I had. I had no energy to do this, no matter how much I love to write or to read all of your blogs.

It wasn't until I went away for 10 days and then returned home that I realized how hard things have been for the past few months, especially the fall season. I was having daily headaches, and other aches and pains, overwhelming exhaustion and the inability to see or think clearly for well over a month.

In December, I went away and saw my family and relatives. I even met a fellow blogger for the first time that I became friends with about a year ago. I slept, I ate (a lot), I spent time with people I love...then I came home and found myself with a lot of time alone (no kids). And so much clarity came to me.

There are a million things that I want to write about, to share. Some of them are very good...

...I saw something recently that inspired me. That, combined with a message that I believe I have received, is leading me to do something scary...something that I'm afraid to commit to.

I'm considering--actually, I plan to do it, but just need to finish getting my cajones up and out there--starting a blog where I chronicle my quest to bless one person each day for a year. Yeah. I just might be crazy. Or foolish. But, I think it is what I am supposed to do. If I do this, I will keep this blog separate and unaffiliated to keep it anonymous. The point is not to be recognized for what I'm setting out to do, but to bless others. So, when I get it up and running, I will offer to those of you interested in reading it to request the link from me, with the understanding that I don't want to be linked back here (which means I'll have to delete this part of my post).

Tomorrow, life begins at its usual pace again. I admit--I am scared. But I also feel a sense of peace and gratitude. Here's hoping the latter feeling prevails.

Outside the Usual House of Life

2009-12-21T11:39:00.005-07:00

I'm at my parents' house. It's been three years since the last time I was here. It's interesting this time around. Mainly, I'm noticing a difference in how I'm responding and interacting with everyone, and I think it's better than in previous times.

*******

I do talk like my mom to my kids a LOT, however. Oye. The things that you think you won't repeat...

*******

I am a firm believer that families are meant to HELP each other. As in, the grandparents and aunts and uncles all help take care of the kids. And that cousins are meant to spend time together. I usually only see my family once a year, due to living 1,000 miles away, and the rest of the family not being able to come see us very often for financial and health reasons. So, having gone two years without seeing almost everyone, it re-emphasizes how much I want my kids to see their family. And, when we're together for these brief times, I feel less overwhelmed as a single mom...my daughter and son play the whole time with their cousins and get attention from other adults who love them. This? Is how things are meant to be. However, for many of us single parents, this situation is nonexistent or the moments are few and far between.

To be honest, I think that is a crime.

*******

My dad. I have this ongoing, "interesting" relationship with him, for lack of a long, drawn-out description. I love my dad. I still partially wish that he could be the man and the husband and the father that I know others have been able to observe or experience in their lives. For example, I wish my dad would be kinder and more loving to my mom...I wish he would help clean the house and do the dishes...I wish he would help take care of my youngest sister as a father would, instead of just pushing off the responsibility onto my mom (like he does with most things)...I wish that he would simply be there for me and my sisters in our times of need.

My dad, however, chooses not to do these things--or just chooses to do them rarely. Part of the reason is because he doesn't know how to. But at the age of mid-60's, that excuse is a failure. I understand that he is only following in his father's footsteps. However, it is the very reason that I strive to do things differently myself--I refuse to be a poor parent just because of things I've "learned" (or, more aptly, NOT learned) from my own parents.

The question is, what can I accept as a relationship between my dad and I? Part of me has resigned to things being as they are now. Still, I'm not yet at a point where I don't wish for things to be better.

*******

D. has not contacted me at all since I left. It has been wonderful and concerning all at the same time. Usually, when he is quiet, something is being strategically planned--some sort of attack.

It is times like these when I wish so much that he was completely absent from my life. Not having to deal with him at all? It's like freedom from prison...and hearing the angels sing praises of joy. No exaggeration.

*******

It has been extremely good to get away from normal life and regain some outside perspective, as well as to rest and recover from so much stress. The daily headaches and aches and pains are diminishing, as is the exhaustion. I can breathe. Life gets to be so hard on a day-to-day basis. Trying to cope when going long, long stretches without a genuine break...as some of you know, it breaks you down and you feel like you're going to shatter into a million pieces. I felt like I had become a mosaic--fragmented shards of glass held together by some compound, but it ready to dissolve at any time.

This time away, it was necessary for my health. And for the sake of my children.

*******

Thinking about things with TF. I'm in the process of writing him letters about where I'm at. They are emails that are about a half page each. I've only done two so far. It is a bit cathartic. It may be more for me than for him, and it may end up just being a way for me to heal and to find my way to a future relationship (perhaps with someone else) in the effort to be myself. In other words, what I'm sharing is a risk and it may lead nowhere long-term with TF, but I don't see it as a complete waste of time and energy.

*******

I'm also finally hearing God speak to me about some things that have been a quiet undercurrent...a sort of stream of consciousness of messages that I have sensed repeatedly, but could not fully hear due to the roar of daily life noise. As I'm able to, I'll share these things. For now, I have children calling for me.

Hope all of you find some peace and comfort during this time. You are in my heart and on my mind, sincerely.

Where I've Been

2009-12-13T23:59:00.005-07:00

*Sigh*

Where do I even begin?

A fellow blogger emailed me tonight asking me to "spill". (Thank you, BTW, for your email.)

Yes, I know--it's been two weeks since my last post. Probably the longest I have ever gone without posting. I was actually just thinking earlier tonight, "Do I need to put myself on hiatus status on my blog?" Really, they should have a button for that. Why hasn't anyone invented it yet?!

Not much has changed since the last post...still knee-deep in legal schtuff, still very tired, still not sure what TF and I have going on...

When I imagine sitting down to write my blog, it feels like one more thing that will be work and require energy that I don't have. That is NOT how I want it to feel, and that is NOT how I think of my blog on a regular basis.

Also, I really do have this thing where, if I'm not reading your blogs and keeping up with what's going on in your lives, then writing about mine feels remiss or negligent. That's another reason I've been AWOL.

So, bottom line, there's no lack of busy-ness going on here. I have plenty to write about--just not the mindset to do so.

I leave on Tuesday to go out of state and visit my immediate family, friends and relatives--whom I have not seen in two years, due to finances. It's not that I can afford it now, but it is a priority, especially considering the health of those close to me.

So, honestly, I'm hoping to catch up on my reading while I'm gone, I plan to enjoy a full 10 DAYS of not having to deal with D. directly (can you hear the hallelujah chorus in the background?), and of being able to be with people that will dote on my children and maybe even let me have a break.

Until next time, whenever that is, blessings upon you all. Know that I truly do think of and miss you.

Latest, in Brief

2009-11-29T23:59:00.000-07:00

I believe that this is the most I have ever lagged behind on my blog in the nearly three years I have had it. It has been a few months now where I have written few posts.

...

1. My emotional energy level has hit the bottom again. Part of that is fighting being sick. I kind of am, but not fully. You know, just enough to make me feel not great, but not horrible. I've been battling daily headaches for over a month now. Nausea comes and goes. And I'm utterly exhausted. I know that much of the time, yes, I am tired. But this level of exhaustion is even increased from the norm. So, there it is. (And, NO, I'm not pregnant!)

2. Thanksgiving was good and wonderful. I made most of the food, had a few friends over, and just enjoyed eating lots of food and being with good people.

3. Lots of legal stuff going on. That contributes to the exhaustion as well. I am grateful that I have an attorney who is communicating with me regularly and addressing the issuess promptly. However--and this is NOT a complaint--I have been working more on my case in the past few weeks. It's all more condensed now that it ever was before. In other words, more frequent legal stuff equals more emotional and mental energy leaving my body.

4. Still fighting depression. I feel like there is so much that I cannot control. I don't know what to do anymore on some things. It's hard to feel this helpless when I only know how to fight.

5. And so then I feel like a bad mommy. I honestly have no energy to give to my children, beyond functional things like feeding them, bathing them, etc., and they NEED more than just that! They WANT it. Today, at one point, LB said, "I don't like you." Granted, he's three years old. Still, where the heck did THAT come from?! It hurt, because I thought, I must be doing something wrong. And then MG gave me attitude today and told me that she wants more alone time with me. *Sigh* I feel like I can't give them anything.

6. A guy asked me out today. Um, yeah. A single dad from my church. He's been trying to get up the guts to ask me for over a year. I have absolutely no interest in him. None. Zilch. Nada.

7. And yet, TF...I mean, what the hell are he and I doing?! The truth is, I love him. Still. I have no real interest in dating or being with anyone else. I am fairly happy spending most of my free time with him, even if we aren't b/f and g/f. And yet--and YET!--I truly long to be with a man who wants me. Or, more importantly, who knows that he wants me and shows me that he wants me. TF...well, he's not exactly doing that. Or, if he is, he's doing a lameass job of it. I don't mean to complain here, I don't. But sometimes, I just want to be with a man who KNOWS what he wants. (Is that too much to ask?!)

8. Finally, stirrings in my heart to be a family; i.e., to have a companion in life, to raise children together, live in a house, have financial stability, be able to afford very simple things. Lately, my heart just bloody aches for this. It seems like it is always just out of reach. It hurts. It really just makes me cry. I wonder if I will ever have it in life. It seems to come to others so much more easily.

Thank you, everyone, for reading and commenting and following. I miss those whom I regularly read and communicate with. Know that I think of you often--truly, I do.

Open Letters

2009-11-17T15:04:00.003-07:00

Comments returned from last post.

Something I haven't done in awhile, but my frustration level has hit *that* point: open letters. The frustration is replacing the depression right now. Actually, the depression is slowly lifting, and part of that, perhaps, is because some of my emotions are rising to the surface.

So, without further ado, it's time for...

OPEN LETTERS

Dear fathers of my children,

*Ahem* It seems that almost every time that my children are sick, they are with me. Not with either of you--with ME.

This translates into the following for moi--including yesterday and today:

1. No work being done.
2. Very little job-seeking being done.
3. No exercising.
4. Lots of other crap that needs to be done NOT getting done.

5. Lack of sleep each night, as children crawl in and out of my bed, coughing, etc.

6. Me staying home with kids and trying to take care of them when we are all tired and cranky and sick of having cabin fever.

In other words, I'm losing time, energy, money and sanity, while being the primary person to take care of said sick children. Yes, I love them, but this needs to be split evenly a hell of a lot more than it is. Somehow, I don't see that happening.

So, complain away to me about your problems. I'll just be sitting here going crazy and rolling my eyes at you.

Sincerely,

The Mother of Your Child

Dear D's Attorney,

Do you sleep at night? I mean, do you genuinely believe the bullsh*t that D. tells you? Or does it matter? And do you honestly believe that by trying to squeeze every mother fricking dime out of me--the one who LEFT this psycho and abuser--you are doing my child any good?! I mean, really. I'd just like to know. Or, maybe I wouldn't.

Doing "what is in the best interests of the child", "Master's in Social Work and experienced with abused women", my ass. Good luck out there, darlin'. Hope you don't get it full circle. Cuz if you do? You've heaped a nice big helping of hell on yourself.

All the best,

The MOTHER of the child of the psycho you represent

Dear all the jobs I've applied for,

Seriously, WTF?! None of you want to hire me? I mean, do I have to hit the 1,000th job applied for mark or what?! Ugh.

Amira the Applicant

Dear Mom and Dad,

I love you both. I do. But I wish that you would come help me here in my life sometimes. Just a wish I still have once in awhile.

Your oldest child

Dear TF,

You are so wonderful...to me and to my children. If there is anyone here that I know I can call and who will drive over at the drop of a hat, and not expect anything in return, it is you.

I wish that...I could convey to you how much what you do REALLY means to me. You touch my soul with your kindness, with your stability, with your non-flakiness, with your ways of being there for me that I have wanted a man TO be. When you hold me, when you comfort me, when you just spend time with me, it helps me immeasurably.

I do not know where our relationship/friendship will go. But for now, I am grateful--so very, very grateful--that I have you in my life and in the lives of my children. It is good to have you as a close friend, if nothing else.

Much love,

Amira

Dear World,

You are not kind to single mom's. We bust our asses and we still have a constant uphill battle. We're not martyrs--we're FIGHTERS.

You would do well to show us a HELL of a lot more respect instead of beating us down.

A Single Mom

Dear MG and LB,

Dear God, I love you guys. I do. I live, for the most part, due to both of you.

I'm sorry for being cranky and snappy lately. I'm sorry that I haven't been smiling and laughing as much. I'm sorry that I'm always busy and stressed out.

You are the two little lights in my life that keep the path from growing completely dark. And I wish that I had the energy to play with you more, rather than just watching you or trying to get stuff done that I am the only one able to get it done.

I hope that somehow we will have a good bond as a little family, and that someday it will be more rare than common place for me to be sad/stressed/cranky/frustrated. I hope that you will know in your hearts how much I truly do love you.

Your Mom

Dear God,

I'm tired. Thank you for the good. Please keep helping me with the bad.

You know.

Me

Feeling, Loss, and Fear

2009-11-15T23:50:00.002-07:00

Depression resides within me right now. I don't feel much beyond despair, sorrow, emotional pain, and defeat.

I am calm.

I can feel the bile rising up several times a day.

At any given moment, I start to weep.

I have images and sensations of everything from hearing my grandmother humming as she peels apples to make a pie (as I watched her do when I was a young girl--she passed away 12 years ago), as I prepared my own apple pie for TF yesterday, to remembering the butterfly that landed on my shoulder a week ago at a butterfly sanctuary, and where it rested for nearly 30 minutes.

I do feel that God's presence is with me.

However, I am at a loss for words. Right now, I find that I want to listen...listen to those that I care about talk about their own struggles with loss and pain. As my BF told me tonight, "When my dad died, I found comfort in listening to others' stories."

I also have come to recognize a fear that I could not identify before: I fear losing people to their not wanting to stay in my life because of the sadness, the chaos, the ongoing state that seems to be. As a result of this fear of losing people, I won't allow myself to show all of what I am experiencing in their presence. I may talk or share some--but not all.

I am afraid that they will leave. And I do not want to bear that loss.

So, I hold it in. Except for when I am alone, or with my therapist.

Even with TF, someone whose presence comforts me, someone who does not require anything of me when I am in crisis, someone that I can be with and who won't ask me any questions. It is at those times when I'm glad he is not a very verbal communicator.

But as I spent all day with him yesterday, I tried to still hold everything in...worried that I would be an imposition...that I would be "too much".

And that is where my fear stems from...things that others have said or done in my life that have led me to believe that I am a burden when I feel pain. It is difficult for me to shed this from my spirit.

I am just holding on right now, and holding in. Still hoping for the good to appear. But not knowing when.

Respecting the Silence of No Answers

2009-11-14T23:36:00.003-07:00

Comments returned from last post.

Some things in life cannot be explained. And sometimes, there are no answers.

It is part of our nature to want to fix things, to find solutions, to meet challenges. It is also hard to accept pain that cannot be explained.

I have spent the past few days grieving...grieving my defeat in court...grieving the loss of longing for freedom from oppression and evil...

I am weary. I am weary from fighting all my life to HAVE a life that is good and free. I am weary from trying to understand why things are as they are. I am weary from trying to just focus on the positive or apply positive thinking. I am weary from statements and sentiments that are meant to help, but ultimately, they do not adequately address my life or my situations. I am weary from longing for a protector, someone who would shield me from the evil and the burdens of this life that I live, someone who would take up a sword and fight for me, allowing me to rest. I am weary from wondering if, in this life, I will ever be with a man who wants me and loves me.

With all respect to my blog friends and the comments left on my last post, I think that until you have experienced the pain and the multitude of challenges that myself and some others face, it is hard to understand. Yes, there is darkness that shadows my joy. Why wouldn't there be? How can I know it when I seek it and it constantly eludes me? I am told to believe that I must simply embrace joy and then I will know it. But how can you know joy when you have only known it in fleeting moments that are so few?

I can tell my story. I can tell of all that I have been through in life and why it is so hard for me NOT to give up. The fact that I don't? That is the true miracle.

So, yes. I will keep asking questions. I will keep seeking. I will keep grieving. I will keep enduring and persevering. I will keep going forward.

But sometimes, I need to just be where I am. And that place cannot always be explained, or patted-on-the-shoulder away, nor can it understand positive thinking. It is my spirit and it must be allowed to rest in the truth of what it is experiencing, even if that means that the world stand back and respect the silence of no answers.

Singing When There Are No Words

2009-11-11T21:10:00.010-07:00

Yes, I have been MIA again. The reason? Preparing for and going to court yesterday. I prepared for several days and hours straight. It has been absolutely mind- and body-numbing.

This is one of those times when I do not feel articulate at all...when there is a volcano erupting within me, wanting to explode and expel all the lava, all that cannot lay dormant...and I cannot even begin to get it all out in sensical, non-passionate forms of intelligence. Perhaps the volcano metaphor is poignantly appropriate.

The hearing did not go well, but it could have gone much, much worse. My new attorney (God bless him) did a LOT of damage control from the wake of the aftermath from my previous attorney at the last hearing. Still, the bottom line is that I am *still* looking at being required to pay $4,000 to $6,000 in D.'s legal fees. Yes, that is actually good news compared to what I was looking at for an outcome. But the final decision by the magistrate will not be known for two more weeks. And then, after that, we move on to parenting time issues and, most likely, a hearing on those. A huge conundrum all to itself.

Prepping for and going through this hearing has wreaked havoc on my body, mind and spirit. I am grateful for those friends in my life who support me through prayers, thoughts, emails, texts and calls, through making food for me, through their BELIEF IN ME when I continue to go up against D. and his hired b*tch.

Things with TF are now more on a best friends level after a deep and long overdue talk from last week (I think--I lost track of time). That is not bad, but it's certainly not easy. I can't even go into all of it right now. But I'm grateful for him still being there for me, too.

What I want, what I continue to beg God for, is justice. And for freedom from the oppression from D.

It is very hard to keep believing in a God of justice when I keep getting knocked down by evil in its human form. In my case, that is specifically D.

And it is hard to know how to pray when it feels like every prayer I say asking for the oppression to end falls on deaf ears.

Why do I go on believing? What am I doing holding onto my faith?

There is much injustice in this world. And I am only experiencing a fraction of what goes on out there...I have read accounts of and seen up close true injustice, true oppression. I have seen those who have NO ONE fighting for them lose all hope and keep living their lives on autopilot.

I know that my life, my situation, my experiences are miniscule compared to what others face.

For me to go on, I have to dwell on what I have read and seen in others' lives, from history to the present...that somehow, some way, what we go through is NOT all in vain...that it is not all meant to allow evil to declare victory...that one day, only God knows when, He WILL be the one who avenges us.

And I believe that in the midst of suffering and oppression, we must find a way to still "be the good that you wish to see in this world".

Even when D. has nearly obliterated me in battle, and he stands there smirking, waiting to pull the trigger and kill me once and for all, I am called to sing praises of the One Who still holds me up. Praises that all--but especially my children--must hear.

If I cannot sing of Grace and Mercy and Hope and Love when they seem all but gone, then when are their praises worth hearing of?

Calling Normal?

2009-11-05T23:50:00.004-07:00

I'm ready for life to just be normal. I've said this before. But the more moments I have that are filled with chaos, stress and tension, and the older I get, the more I just long for some plain, ol' drama-free living.

*Sigh*

I want a washer and dryer in my apartment. I want to be free of having to deal with a psycho ex. I want a man who knows what he wants. I want to be able to take my kids to places like the zoo and the movies more than once a year. I want to go out to eat for a nice meal at a restaurant again.

However, I am grateful for a new attorney who is doing better than my last one, people in my life who love and support me during crises, great kids, an awesome BF, an awesome sister (#3), and for a man who--while he may not know what he wants--knows how to take care of me.

Quote of the Week

2009-11-02T23:20:00.003-07:00

Returned comments from the last post and put a few of you on my blogroll. Still working on catching up.

Tis been awhile since I had a "Quote of the Week". Read this today and wanted to share:

"One of the major challenges we face in entering into what God has for us is to be honest with ourselves. In doing so, we begin the process of moving out of the lies we have embraced into the truth of who God made us to be." (Karen Wood, from her booklet, Emotional Honesty: Letting the Dam Break)

Waiting For the Smack

2009-11-01T23:29:00.004-07:00

Comments returned on last two posts.

I attempted to get caught up on blogging tonight. *Sigh* This is going to take more than one night, people. Bear with me.

*******

I have not communicated with TF at all today. He IMed me saying that he hoped he didn't upset me last night (see previous post). Um, well, yeah, ya kinda did.

I am not so much angry. I am tired of the avoidance of sharing what and how he feels about me and us. I have asked him different ways, at different times, to share. I have waited. But my patience is wearing thin.

I am a pretty understanding and patient person--to a point. And then? Something needs to happen.

Right now, I'm holding off on communicating with him for a few reasons. Just one of those being that I'm trying to decide whether to tell him that when he figures out what he wants, to let me know.

It's hard when you find someone that you feel like you "fit" with, and you think things can work. But you're waiting on the other person to get that smack to the forehead and figure it out himself.

Yeah. Nuff said. I need to go turn my brain off.

To Learn : Relationships

2009-10-31T23:50:00.004-06:00

From personal experience, I'm not sure that I know what it takes to make a relationship last for the long-term. I have tried and I have failed at relationships. Some of that is on me. Some of it is on the person I was with.

I know more of who I am now than I did a year ago, three years ago, five years ago, or 15 years ago. I know what I'm looking for and what I ideally want. But when all is said and done, how much does that factor in when I am with the person I know intuitively that I want to be with?

TF has broken a part of me inside. There was a time, not too long ago, where if something was not working out with one guy, I needed another one to run to. A guy on the side. Usually, this wasn't hard for me to find. Problem was, it still didn't satiate my desires.

Having two guys versus one did not make me happier--it only temporarily alleviated some stress, some heartache. Keyword: temporarily.

When Nice Guy asked me a month ago if I would talk to him again, I decided not to. I sent him an email in response, "I am no longer interested in communicating with you. I wish you well."

I chose to let go of the other guy, and to focus on the one. That was a big decision for me, and one that reversed a pattern that I could now lay to rest in my past.

Why did I make that choice? First, because the time had come for me to change. Second, and more to the heart, I am that devoted to TF.

I do not know if things will work with TF long-term. I don't even know if they will work into next week. Everything could end tomorrow, honestly. But when I look inside my heart and my mind, what I feel is, "I want to be with this man."

That is scary.

I have been asking TF over the course of a few weeks--increasingly within the past few days--to somehow, some way, let me know how he feels about me. I have received very little response. Tonight, I asked him, "Are you happy with me?" His answer? "I have mixed emotions. And that's all I can say about that right now."

On the one hand, that was hard to read. On the other hand, I'm not surprised.

What can I do now? I must let go. I must release him, release my worry, release all that I want to be and wait and see what happens. This does not mean that I do not share my thoughts and feelings, or be who *I* am. However, it does mean that I cannot control what TF thinks, feels or what he decides.

I could lose TF. He could decide that this relationship is not right for him. And it could end.

Yes, I know this.

To love someone means to risk. To love someone means to accept that there will be pain. To love someone means learning to wait until they are ready to be in the same place that you are. Or to allow them to move on.

Relationships require trust...faith...and hope. All of which are hard to hold onto when you cannot see proof of why you should hold onto them.

Yet, when we strive and cling and beg for someone to stay with us, it does not usually lead them to stay. The opposite, it often drives them away.

I am on a new road. I am in a new dynamic in a relationship. And I am learning anew how to wait for someone. It's hard, it's scary as hell, and I have no answers regarding the outcome.

To Unlearn

2009-10-29T23:59:00.001-06:00

First things first: I am going to return comments and catch up on blog business soon. Hopefully by this Sunday.

Second, the sickness finally caught up with me yesterday. With LB being sick *TWICE* within two weeks, TF being horribly sick for about two weeks, and MG having it three weeks ago, I've been feeling as if I had magic medicine fairy dust sprinkled on me. It was like, "Huh. Imagine that. I'm still not sick." No more. So far, it's mild--headache, neck ache, nausea, no energy. We'll see how this goes. From what I've seen directly so far? I can't freakin' wait (read: sarcasm).

Third, T just wrote this post yesterday, with me commenting on it, only to find myself dealing with a very similar situation today.

TF and I were chatting casually online. I made a joke, he ran with it and suddenly, when he didn't "take the bait" on my fishing expedition question, I got offended. Badly. *Sigh* How old am I again?

And yet, a bad combo of PMS, feeling sick, not exercising much in two weeks, dealing with D's sh*t half of yesterday, and a whole bunch of questions I want answered that aren't getting it, translates into me going off at TF in my head.

I wanted to lay it ALL out...calling him names, yelling profanity, accusing him of not wanting me or caring at all. Yeah, I had it all lined up in my head. Like a firing squad, I was ready, taking aim, and about to fire. Thankfully, a few texts to sister #3 helped call it off. She is the voice of reason for me of late when I freak out regarding the relationship.

And when I think of how TF came to visit a sick LB and bring me soup on Sunday, and made dinner for MG and I on Tuesday (his idea), and helped babysit kids yesterday for 6 hours and let me borrow his car, and then call to check in on me twice tonight...

How can I not think that this man truly cares about me--now and for more than the short-term?

Because what I know, what I learned growing up and as recently as three years ago, is that men reject me, men leave me, men hurt me, and men cannot be depended on. To turn the tide means more than a change of perspective--it means changing everything about what I understand to be "true". For what I learned were lies and pain, and no part of those experiences ARE the truth.

To learn the truth, and to allow myself to fully experience it, means to let go of the past. To be blunt, I suck at doing that.

As my sister told me, "Look inside of you and what is causing this rush of emotions. It's not coming from him--it's coming from somewhere else."

When I heard TF's voice on the phone, my anger dissolved. How can I be mad at this man?

To unlearn what is false requires new eyes, new ways to sense, and forgiving oneself for not knowing the Truth. Love is what leads us through the process.

Single Mom - Alive and Well

2009-10-24T23:33:00.004-06:00

Yes, I'm still alive.

My BF sent me an email this week basically asking if I was okay. This being because she checks my blog regularly and it's been over a week since I posted. Yeah. Love her. Point made, too.

There's so much to write, and so much to catch up on (meme's, awards, responding to other comments and reading blogs)...that I feel really remiss here.

I've also had writer's block. There has been a lot coursing through me, and I feel like I haven't even known how to write it out, which is rare for me.

All the same, here's a brief update:

* Retained a new attorney. VERY good news, I hope. We'll see when the rubber hits the road, so to speak.

* I've received 4 requests for interviews in one week. This is THE most progress that I have experienced in my three years (yes, that's right--three years, people) of seeking employment.

* Went away with TF last weekend for 48 hours. Use of a cabin in the mountains for free + food stamps to buy food to make meals + TF paying for gas = cheap getaway. It was very, very, very good and relaxing. My entire being was rejuvenated.

* However, last week in the build-up to said weekend away? Amira was freaking out and also trying to get a million things done.

* And that is the most time we have ever spent together. We did well.

* My appeal to the state to get my employment benefits reinstated was approved. Thank GOD! Hoping they send the benefits in time for me to pay rent.

* The "boyfriend" label discussion came up between MG, TF and myself--not all of us together, however. Long story short? TF still isn't ready for saying it outloud himself, I say it sometimes to other people, and it threw MG for a huge loop.

* MG immediately equated boyfriend with potential stepdad. One week, she was crying due to the anxiety of me getting married, and the next week she was crying because she WANTS him to be her stepdad and is begging me to marry him. Yeah. Some big discussions going on between she and I.

* Last night, LB was supposed to say goodnight to TF. LB then got up on TF's chest, laid down, and told me (prepare yourselves), "Mommy, I just want to sleep here tonight." And TF smiled sweetly. I melted like buttah. Mind you, this is after I watched TF help LB brush his teeth, on his own initiative, and as if he'd done it a million times before. Yeah. *Sigh*

* So, I still freak out about every three days regarding being in a relationship. I have been learning to let go, to not try to control the outcome, and to love in the midst of anxiety and fear. And for TF? The good news is that he has not given me his standard response of late--the one that he uses to try to end things and push me away. I think we're both making progress and moving forward. No small feat for either of us.

Things are good. I am very, very grateful.

Neglected Blog Syndrome

2009-10-12T23:51:00.003-06:00

Hi. My name is Amira, and this is my neglected blog.

I am depressing myself here, people! I LURV my blog and I haven't given any attention to it--or yours--in over a week!

*Sigh*

Thank you all for your comments, thank you to bloggers who have given me awards and meme's, and thank you to new followers.

Please know that I am NOT ignoring you--I am just temporarily "predisposed".

My waywardness is not, unfortunately, due to tons of time being spent with TF. On the contrary, he has been horribly sick and I have only seen him for about 6 hours total in the past week, and my kids have been taking turns being sick. Somehow, I am NOT sick (thank God) but feel on the verge of it increasingly.

And then D. has been throwing his muck at me, plus I'm working at home, or applying for work, or scrambling for $$ to pay bills.

Exciting, ain't it?

So, yeah. When that's all said and done? And I'm laying on the couch with no energy and laundry to fold and a computer screen that begs for my attention but I've already been on it too much? You get the point.

Soon, people. Soon I will be back. I promise.

Just Another Flippin' Update

2009-10-03T23:54:00.003-06:00

My blog seems to be mostly updates right now. *Sigh* Sad, but that's life at the moment.

1. Met with with 2 out of 3 of the Denver Posse last night. We gotta get together more than once a month.

2. October and November bring back a lot of difficult memories for me and reliving of some trauma from the past three years. I'm dealing with that lately...some minor flashbacks and panic attacks. Including today. Spending time with TF and seeing my therapist helps. When I'm alone, sans kids, and not staying busy? I have trouble.

3. All week I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off--meeting deadlines and rushing to get somewhere on time. I am pretty damn tired.

4. TF's parents were in town so I saw them briefly last Sunday at his soccer game. I like his parents. Wish I had more time with them, but also not going to push that issue. Not at this point in our "relationship".

5. I have a potential new attorney. Yea! I meet with him in about a week.

6. LB is still pretty clingy to me--especially upon returning from D.'s. And D. decided to take pics of me with his phone/Blackberry at an exchange. I told him via email he has NO permission to do that. His response? "Let's keep the focus on LB, shall we?"

7. When I'm not freaking out about things with TF and waiting for the other shoe to drop, I enjoy my time with him. We went a few days without seeing each other while his parents were in town. When I saw him again? On the inside I was like, Oh, yeah! THIS is the guy I've missed seeing!

Sharin' the Love

2009-09-28T23:36:00.004-06:00

Comments from most recent post returned.

Got caught up a little on my blog reading tonight. Was inspired by this and this. And I started to think about the things that I love (and not just having to do with TF but, yeah, some is about him). So, without further ado...

Things I love:

1. The way my children look when they are sleeping. They are both at peace, sweet and adorable.

2. Vanilla ice cream with brownies and hot fudge. TOTAL weakness!

3. Fresh-squeezed lemonade.

4. Cooking and baking for other people and seeing the look in their eyes when I give them one of their favorite treats.

5. Watching TF and my kids play together.

6. Flannel sheets. (Yes, I do. They're soft and warm. I can't sleep on sheets that make me feel cold.)

7. Being with friends and talking about anything and everything over food and wine.

8. Laughing.

9. Genuine intimacy.

10. An incredible meal...the food, the presentation, the ambience and the company.

11. Deep snow and the hush and blanketing of everything.

12. The mountains.

13. Nature.

14. The sound of rushing water.

15. The way that TF touches me.

16. His hugs.

17. How he knows me and shows it in subtle yet moving ways.

18. And to quote Mindy, there are some things that just can't be blogged about! ;)

Quick & Dirty Update

2009-09-27T23:37:00.006-06:00

This is going to be one of my "quick & dirty" updates because I'm tired, I need to work tomorrow, and I can't go into great detail about any of these right now due to lack of time.

This past week has included the following:

1. D. harassing TF on his Facebook account. D. told TF (and I am NOT making this up):

"Take my son's pic off your website!!! You pu**y and pervert!"

D. reported TF to Facebook and wasted all of our time this week with his sh*t. The pics are ones that TF took of LB that are clean and cute and with my full permission. TF has now put into effect some serious privacy settings on his Facebook account.

I am SOOOOOO ready to be done with dealing with a crackhead ex who stalks my friends and family as well as me!

2. LB was sick. Hmmm. Gee, it couldn't possibly be because D. has a cat where he lives and he doesn't have enough brain cells to figure out that his son is allergic to cats!!!

3. I battled a kidney infection. All week. Oh joy.

4. I got my food stamps again on Friday. Woo hoo! I once again have food in my house. (Note: To anyone thinking that I enjoy being on food stamps? No, I don't. But it's the only way to pay for food right now so, yes, I'm rather grateful.)

5. Out of the 35 jobs I've applied for in the past 5 weeks, I have been chosen for none so far.

6. Stressing about paying rent and all other bills due on the first of the month. Still trying to find a way to make that happen. Stressing A LOT.

7. TF rocks. He drives me crazy sometimes, but other times I just love him. I am very happy to have him in my life.

8. Every few days I freak out about being in a relationship. This will be a post topic soon.

9. My friend and neighbor--a single mom with three kids--is having to move to a shelter. *Sigh* The crimes against single mom's who leave abusive and psycho exes...I'm writing an editorial about it all in my head that I need to type out and submit. Soon.

THE SYSTEM HAS GOT TO CHANGE!

10. Just tonight, Nice Guy emailed asking me to call him to talk. Um, no. But should I accept an email? Leaning towards "no".

11. Thanking God still nearly every day for a home to live in, food to eat, heat and electricity, the little paying work that I do have, and for the health of myself and my kids. I don't take this stuff for granted, people. No way.

The "What If?" Syndrome

2009-09-21T23:26:00.005-06:00

The "what if's?" are kicking me in my cranium. Fear and trepidation of a relationship not working. This feeling has haunted me ALL my freaking life. This time, it actually and genuinely feels different, which scares me and calms me all the more simultaneously. Don't ask me to explain that one--I'm still trying to explain it to myself.

*Sigh*

Do we all NOT know this feeling--the one where we're waiting for the other shoe to drop? As single parents, do we all not long for something that will last, and for someone to be with and to lean on? And yet it is the VERY thing that we fear may never materialize?!

I read about it on other blogs. I see many of your fears and questions as well.

For me the "what if's" include:

* What if he really doesn't want more than a friendship with intimacy? (Note: neither of us would call this a FWB relationship. We had that discussion and know that this is more than that.)

* What if it all ends tomorrow? Can I live with that? How would I deal with it this time around?

* What if he continues to rarely verbalize his feelings? Can I live with that, being someone who loves the written and spoken word, and knowing how those nurture my soul?

* What if he's too scared and declares a pre-emptive strike, even though what he really wants IS to be with me?

* What if *I* get too scared and screw it up myself?

Dear God, spare me my overanalyzing. Let me just have something good that will last. I believe that I am finally ready for it.

Update & Randomness

2009-09-20T23:59:00.000-06:00

1. I have an infection again. The same one I had earlier this year. Annoying and a pain in the back. I don't have patience for physical pain--high tolerance, yes, but no patience. Let's get it over with--I have stuff to do!

2. Thank God for a doctor that I can just call and talk to over the phone and not have to shell out $$ for a visit to his office! (I don't have health insurance so it saves him $$, too.)

3. I've heard back from one job that I applied to for a third time. The prospect of working full-time again after going a very, very, very long time without...it feels odd. I will definitely have to readjust.

4. LB has been super Mommy-clingy lately and only feeling comforted sometimes when he sleeps in my bed. Pretty sure it's due to living in a new place with D. and starting preschool. My sweet LB.

5. If you ask MG what she wants to be when she grows up, she says "a teacher". And lately one of her favorite games to play with LB and my friends' 4-year-old son is to teach them at school. She's really quite good at it. That and her crazy dance moves.

6. Can I really handle being with just one man for the rest of my life? Can I handle all his idiosyncrasies, his bad habits and the things that make me roll my eyes? I always thought that my answer was, "Yes, I want to be with one man for life." Being through what I have--divorce, almost marrying a crazy man, dating an abuser--has changed my perspective. But so has just the reality that relationships are messy. If I am going to commit myself to one man for a lifetime, it will take some digesting that ends with a sense of knowing that he IS truly the one I want. Kind of a lot to think about.

7. I think about all the guys I've known/been with/dated and how many of them would say things--verbalize how they felt--and yet how the follow-through would so often fall flat. Now I'm with a man (yes, a MAN!) who doesn't verbalize how he feels much at all, but his follow-through is consistent. And what he says nonverbally speaks volumes. Go figure.

What does that mean? Thoughts, anyone?

8. I miss the Denver Posse. Time for another GNO, ladies!

Long Tweets, Fact #479, Mom and TF

2009-09-15T23:23:00.004-06:00

1. Re: my last post, yes, I realize that my so-called Tweets were too long. *Sigh* I knew this when I was blogging but I needed more words to get my points across. Anyway...

2. I like having followers here. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. The reason that *I* don't follow or have any of you on Google Reader? Because I feel overwhelmed when I open my blog account and see ALL the blog posts I have to read. For me, it's easier to just check on your blogs when I can. I know that I don't have to explain this, but there it is. Fact #479 about me.

3. My mom...I don't write much about my family on here. There are a variety of reasons for that, which I don't have the energy to post about tonight. However, I will say that I have an interesting relationship with my mom. And by interesting I mean distant, yet not always, tenuous, yet not always. But we're not close. Today she sent a forwarded email with some random factoid in it. I responded to it with a suggestion. She responded defensively. I responded diplomatically and tried to move past the topic. She responded again even more defensively. I get my mom, I know her past and her upbringing (perhaps too much), and I do love her. I also respect her in a lot of ways. But trying to communicate with her? It's like a cat and a dog. We just speak completely different languages.

4. Re: The Friend and my last post...I can't summarize my thoughts as eloquently as I'd like to right now. When I try to just blog quickly? Things can get written and come out wrong. That being said...

...I've been talking with my sister (#3) a LOT about things with TF (his new moniker--less typing). She actually met him in person earlier this year when she came to visit. She and my other sister (#2) and I all have the gifts of "sensing" or seeing images or getting vibes. Believe what you will about it, we know that it's true for us--we've seen it in action many a-time. We are both of the opinion that for right now I should stay the course with TF--not demanding labels, continuing with our relationship as it is, and allowing the friendship and the intimacy to keep growing. She believes that TF is so afraid of hurting me or of repeating mistakes from his past that he keeps trying to protect himself and me from emotional definitions. I think she's not off-base on her assessment.

There is SOOOOO much more I could say right now, but I need to get myself to bed so I am trying to blog quickly.

What I believe and have seen in TF this time around (versus last year)...

...I believe that he IS committed to me, but that he isn't willing to commit to a long-term, clearly-defined-as-a-romantic-relationship YET. I believe that he and I both have hesitations about committing to ANYONE for the long-term within those parameters. I believe that we are close friends and that we know each other on a level that we don't allow many others in our lives to know us. Therefore, the intimacy that we share is also special and something we each have longed for for a long time.

Could I get hurt by continuing down this path with TF? Sure. Am I being blind, blissfully ignorant, and/or stupid? Perhaps.

Am I seeing this as a leap of faith or taking a risk that what we have may become something amazing once we both move past our fears by allowing to be between us to be?

YES.

And perhaps THAT is the most succinct way I can put what I feel and the reason(s) behind my decision to stay the course for now. It could all change tomorrow. Only God knows, as always.

My Weekend Twitter-Style (If I Did)

2009-09-13T23:55:00.005-06:00

If I did Tweet, here's how it might look for a weekend recap...

* Friday, 3:46 PM - Guess who just popped up in chat and IM'ed me? Yep, that's right. Nice Guy. Two months of no contact. Now he wants to know if I hate him and if we can talk some time. I respond initially. I tell him that I don't hate him. But after chatting very briefly and thinking about how things went down between us, I really don't feel like talking to him anymore. I'm so over it.

* Friday, 10:00 PM - LB *finally* just went to sleep. At friends' house babysitting and he got freaked out about sleeping in the bed downstairs (even though he naps there just fine). Hmm, might have something to do with the fact that D. just moved--YET AGAIN. (To note, D. moves at least once a year, changes his job 1-2 times/year, and gets a different car every year. Can we say "unstable"?!)

* Saturday, 10:00 AM - Gloomy, cloudy, cool fall day in Denver. Hasn't been like this in months. Time to make a crockpot of soup with all my expiring veggies from the food bank (read: I'm not joking).

* Saturday, 5:02 PM - The surprise I received when I came home today...one of THE best ever. I'm SOOOOO glad I left my house key out for The Friend.

* Saturday, 5:57 PM - Damn, The Friend is hawt. Damn.

* Saturday, 7:14 PM - Eating pho with The Friend. A dish which Nice Guy introduced me to. Oh, the irony!

* Sunday, 12:20 PM - Told The Friend last night that Nice Guy contacted me. I asked The Friend how he would feel if I had wanted to get back together with Nice Guy. He told me that he would miss me, but that he wants the best for me as my friend and that if that's what I wanted he would understand. Ugh. The Friend and his commitment issues. How long can I allow things to be the way they are without getting antsy? Am I going down a dead-end road with The Friend?!

* Sunday, 6:39 PM - I love listening to and watching The Friend play with MG and LB. Could I ever find another guy as great with my kids as he is? My heart is warmed. It feels like home here right now.

* Sunday, 9:04 PM - Watching "Crank 2" with The Friend. Ugh. TOTAL dick flick. And he is like a big kid watching it. Rarely do I see this side of him.

* Sunday, 10:23 PM - He just left. I love spending time with him.

Random, and Yet Maybe Not

2009-09-10T23:59:00.007-06:00

Because there's just too much to get out of my head and none of it goes together...or maybe it does...

1. Went to the food bank today. The first time in over six months. Because I've had food stamps since March and now I don't. Stupid government policies...(see #2). Anyway, going to the food bank is always a tutorial in humility. It isn't enough that I have to go in order to have enough food to feed my children, but the fact that they give me expired meat--from over a year ago--just amplifies it. I am grateful--very, very grateful--that I can even get the food. I know that in many other countries, people just starve. Here in the States, that would be a crime with how much food we have and also waste. Still, a note to EVERYONE, appreciate what you have on your plate, in your fridge and in your cupboards. There are hungry people out there. And you may know them without knowing their circumstances.

2. Food stamps were denied to me because I have more than $1,907 in income. For a family of three. My rent is more than 50% of that. Honestly, who the hell comes up with these numbers?! So, I'm supposed to be able to afford everything--including food--for all three of us on less than $24,000 per year? Does this make sense to anyone else?!

3. So then I cried. Because my unemployment benefits have also not kicked in this week. And I have almost $0 in my account. It was a bad morning. I haven't had one of those "sit on the floor in my living room and sob and cry out to God in desperation" moments in a few weeks. I don't like revisiting those. I'm ready for them to be DONE. DONE, I SAY!

4. Went to a Denver mom bloggers event tonight (sans Mindy, who is sick). The wine flowed and the appetizers were a-plenty and tasty. And I think I was one of the only single mom's there. Others blogged about eco-living, travel, homeschooling, living in the burbs, open adoption...then they asked me what I blog about. My answer? About life as a single mom, leaving an abusive relationship, still dealing with the abuser as the father of my son, about dating and relationships. The responses I got? "Wow." "That had to take so much courage." "How do you do it (be a single mom)?" I felt a little, um, out of place? But then I remembered my Posse. And I know that we all fit in with each other just fine.

5. There are times when I feel like I live in two different worlds: present reality and just-out-of-reach reality. To go from crying at my house due to lack of food and money and visiting the food bank, to then having my delapidated car valeted and mingling with the social mama set at a nice hotel? There's my life in the trenches, and there's my life in what I once knew and what I sometimes know. Sometimes, it feels like I'm living some sort of double-life (just venting here, people, not really believing that I do).

6. I referred to The Friend as "my boyfriend" tonight at the mixer. Wow. That was bold of me. I'm afraid of now jinxing whatever does exist (since we're not applying labels).

7. I won a cookbook! I am SO excited! I really, really wanted that cookbook. And I WON it! Yea, me! And then I said, "Now I want my boyfriend to cook me something for breakfast from it." Yes, The Friend knows how to cook and bake--and VERY well, thankyouverymuch. It is one of the things that endears him most to me. He made crepes with Nutella and whipped cream for me for breakfast last year. People? That is da bomb for me.

8. And so I'll end this post by saying that there are many things that I want to end and to change, and some that I hope don't. I want the poverty, the desperation, the burden of using debt and government aid, of living on the edge--I want ALL of that to end. What I don't want to end--and that sometimes I fear will--is what I have with The Friend. It is wonderful and life-giving and so much FUN. And I really don't want to bear going through the heartbreak anymore or ever again with him. I just don't. So I'm working on focusing on the positive and holding onto the relationship as it is right now. And that is something new for me.

The Week Not Even in Review

2009-09-08T23:50:00.006-06:00

1. It has been one week since I last posted. Sheesh. How did that happen?! (Hint: see #5 in this post.)

2. LB starts preschool tomorrow. D. will be there in the AM to drop him off and "encouraged" me (via email) to be there, too, for our son's first day. Umm, yeah, D. If I decide to be there? It's my decision--not because you, the crackhead, "invited" me. *rolling my eyes*

3. Men and boobs. The obsession sometimes...I don't know...amuses me? I mean, the IMMENSITY of men's obsession with boobs. I'm just going to leave it at that for now. (And please note, I'm not entirely complaining here.)

4. There are so many great blogs out there. And it seems like whenever I get together with the Denver Posse/GNO girls (again, Mindy gets credit for the former terminology), they're mentioning other great blogs. I can barely keep up with the ones on my current list! It's times like these when I wish I didn't read so slowly or that I had more time to read. Oh, well.

5. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand about The Friend. I could write a whole post here. Shocking, I know. Things with The Friend are really, really, really good. I mean...yeah. Wow. Nine months ago? Completely different story. Now? It's like we're the same people but on a different plane and things feel very natural. I don't know where this thing is heading. I don't know what the future holds for us. And I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. But what I DO know is that I love just *being* with him, in so many different ways, that we are having fun together, and that I have not experienced what he and I have right now for a very, very long time. Or possibly ever. For me to not be planning ahead and trying to make something happen versus having fun and everything feeling natural and carefree with a man? Pfft. Yeah, this is an anomaly for me.

And I am at peace on a very deep level.

I am happy.

I did not see this coming. At. All.

Denver Posse, Self-Inflicting D., and The Friend (But More!)

2009-09-01T23:46:00.005-06:00

(Comments from last post returned.)

*******

The GNO Blogger Girls/Denver Posse (I like the latter title. Nice one, Mindy.) officially met The Friend. Of course, he just happened to sit alllllllll the way down from them--not on purpose--just how it worked out, what with there being 5 adults and 4 kids all in one row. So, not much to report there. Short answer? Things went fine.

I will say that it is a lot of fun getting to know these women and to hang out together. It's like a breath of fresh air into my weary bones. I finally have--in real life--people that get what my life is like with my kids and my exes. And we can laugh about it, toast to the chaos, and talk about stuff that, well, I don't talk with hardly anyone else about. It has been refreshing. So, here's to you, ladies!

*******

D. had an anniversary of sorts yesterday. It's one that he holds onto with great emotion and understandably so--he was in a fatal car crash and literally died for a minute or so. He survived but barely and had to learn how to walk, talk, read and write all over again. He did. And I met him approximately two years after the event.

Unfortunately, he used (and still uses) his accident to explain away his rage, his abusive behavior, his instability. It was one of the biggest excuses I kept allowing and that kept me tied to him. That is, until I learned that he was abusive with another girlfriend or two BEFORE the accident. That, and I wasn't willing to take it anymore nor could I live with myself if I were to allow him to ever abuse my children.

Today, when he picked up LB at the police station, I saw him the usual 10-15 feet away. He had a noticeable bandage on his forehead near his eyebrow. LB said, "Daddy looks funny. What's wrong with Daddy?" And I knew--I just knew--that D. must have pulled one of his BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) behaviors in commemorating the anniversary yesterday: self-mutilation.

While he and I were together, he regularly commited acts of self-mutilation for various reasons--to garner huge amounts of sympathy, to thwart any possible thoughts from others of him failing (i.e., crashing on purpose at his triathlon because he was losing the bike portion)...you name it. At the time, I could not *see* that this was why. However, after reading about BPD, it clicked. And I thought about all the times that he had injuries and how they coincided with other events.

Bottom line: This is the person that I must share my son with--the "father". Would YOU feel safe knowing that the person is doing these things and possibly around your young child?! Yeah. That's how I felt today.

*******

On a happier note, The Friend and I have moved into, um, "beyond friends" territory. No, no details for you all. And we won't call it "dating". Nor are any labels allowed to be attached (i.e., g/f, b/f, etc.). Why? Because the minute those things happen? He will run away. Far, far away.

That's right--I'm with a guy who can't say the g-word (girlfriend).

You know what though? Things are really, really good between us. Miles ahead of where they were months ago. The reasons why are that we are both more open with each other, we are having fun together, I am not expecting or forcing something more, and he is warming up to me more. (It's like, "Hey! Here's The Friend! Now, with MORE!")

There's a lot more on this topic (sorry--I really overused that word--it's late), but you all will have to wait. Just had to spill the beans a tiny bit.

Plus, the Denver Posse's gonna grill me soon enough, I'm sure!

Absence, and My Worlds Colliding

2009-08-29T23:23:00.005-06:00

My internet has been down, off and on, since Thursday. Hence, the lack of posts and comments on mine and all of your blogs.

That and I've been gone a lot, and also filling out stupid a** forms (I really, really, really dislike filling out forms), and hanging out with The Friend.

Speaking of which...my GNO ladies will meet him tomorrow at our soccer game outing. (The Friend is an amazing soccer player and loves the sport.) Not sure whom I more worried about meeting whom...

(The Friend knows that I have a blog, but that's it. He does not know the name, etc.)

This should be interesting, to say the least. Blog world meets IRL world. It's like when George Costanza's worlds collided on "Seinfeld".

Well, maybe not that bad...

Just...Randomness

2009-08-26T23:42:00.005-06:00

To anyone who thinks that most people living on government assistance do it because they're lazy, or because they don't want to work, or because they're not trying hard enough, or because they actually enjoy it? They are wrong. I am on a LOT of assistance. A lot. It is a total and complete pain in the a** to fill out the forms, to deal with drones in the system who just want to check the "yes" or "no" box, to wait for literally hours in dirty offices for someone to "help" you, and it is also humiliating. I look forward to having a job and making enough of an income to, oh, buy a car that isn't about to die, or go out for a nice meal, or do the GNO thing without sweating the two drinks and appetizer that I'm wanting to "indulge" in. But above all? I want to be self-sufficient. Am I grateful that the aid exists? Absolutely. With all that has occurred in my life the past three years, yes, I am grateful to have the financial help. Am I ready to be done with it all? Hell, YES!

**************

There was some pretty, ah, um, candid? conversation over at RE's blog today, now moved to QT's. Much of it having to do with women being attracted to women (to put it mildly).

I have to say that for me, the thought of being with another woman in that way has no appeal to me. Nor have I really ever been flat-out attracted to a woman. Can I understand it? Sure. But I have always been and still am very much a woman-who-loves-a-man kind of woman. I love the differentness of a man...his body...his strength...what he can do not only to me but also for me. Now finding one that actually is all that? Whole other story.

My point: no skipping through the blades of grass for me, to turn a phrase.

**************

I woke up from a 40-minute nap today when LB was done with his. Well, sort of. LB wanted me to play with him and read to him. I could NOT fully wake up. I just kept falling back to the couch or the floor. He got to watch "Cars" for a bit, while Mommy finished waking up.

(Have I mentioned how tired I am? Oye. )

**************

Again, QT asked a probing question: How does The Friend feel about me? Again, if I actually HAD the energy, I'd post links from my archives. Instead, I give you the answer for now.

I know that The Friend loves me and my kids. I know that he would do anything for us. I know that he considers me a very good friend, and one of his only friends here who truly gets him. I know that when we ended things last December, that he tried to hide his tears from me during the last time that we shared anything physically. I know that he enjoys being with me.

That is all that I know right now. In the past, I spent waaaaaaay too much time trying to figure out what he felt or what he thought, or imagining what was going through his head. But now? I still wonder, sure. But he only shares what he feels verbally when he's ready to. He expresses himself more through acts of kindness or through touch than through words, and he readily admits to not being open verbally regarding his feelings and emotions. And I? I'm done expending energy on reading boys' minds--even his.

And I asked him tonight how he felt about things between us right now. He said, "I'm cool with things, yo." Need I say more?

More Heavy Thinking (and Less Articulate Writing)

2009-08-24T23:57:00.004-06:00

Thanks to CMC and QT Mama (read: sarcasm) for making me think harder about things with The Friend.

I mentioned recently that I'm doing some new therapy. It is specifically shown to be helpful for those with PTSD, which my therapist believes that I have--from childhood to adulthood, and my relationship with D. being the tipping point.

So I had my third session of it last week. Here's what I'm noticing since I started:

* I am less high-strung--or at least right now.
* I'm not obsessing about certain things as much, i.e., relationships with boys, past events, negative or troubling issues.
* I'm starting to see things with a more positive outlook.
* I feel like I am letting go of some things that I normally try to control.
* Even though I am still extremely tired--physically, mentally and emotionally--I feel myself "waking up", so to speak, and ready to take on life in a new way. Not completely, but more so than I have felt for quite a while.

All this said, I don't think my problems are over. I also do not think that the EMDR therapy is going to fix everything and give me rose-colored glasses. However, I do think that it is lessening the impact that all the trauma in my life has had and how it has impaired my functioning. I couldn't see that it was, and now I do.

So much more I could say about this, but I feel the energy to type it out leaving me.

I also see how it is helping me in my friendship with The Friend now. Before, I hesitantly and humbly admit, I was clingy, negative, focused on what D. did/was doing, and not a happy person to be around. But that's where I was then. (I didn't know how to fix it nor could I have on my own. It is taking an outside source with the eyes to see and the knowledge of how to help me.) Is that gone? Not entirely, no. Is it lessening? Absolutely. I see it in myself and I feel it.

And this, I think, has a huge impact on how The Friend and I are interacting.

Have I given him my heart (to answer CMC's question)? Hmmm. I don't think so. It's more of this feeling of I love him, I want to spend time with him (a lot), but I am not so blind as to NOT see what changes would need to occur for both of us to make it work. And up at the top of the list? The Friend would have to want to be with me in that way. In the past, he flip-flopped on it. Now? Now, I don't know exactly where he stands, but I'm okay with it. AND I'm not trying to change that.

And one more thing...the more time that elapses, the more I see that maybe--just maybe--Nice Guy was not quite-so-nice after all. Some things that I allowed to be swept under the carpet should not have been. Perhaps I dodged a bullet. And if so, I am beyond grateful. And very happy that I did not give up my friendship with The Friend as Nice Guy began to request of me.

Family Surgery, Tiredness, GNO and That Guy Again

2009-08-23T23:59:00.002-06:00

1. Four of my immediate family members are having surgery. Two of them this coming week. I live 1,000 miles away. *Sigh* Sometimes, it is really, really hard for me to live so far away from my family. And other times, it is the best thing. But right now? Now I wish I could drive, like, 4 hours to get there to help.

2. I am so, so tired. Some day, I would really like to not feel this way. But as long as I am a single mom of young children, I imagine it will last awhile. Yee. Haw.

3. GNO with Mindy, Cyndi and Danielle on Friday night. Apparently, we're a rowdy bunch. One couple left a restaurant we were at saying to the waiter on the way out, "Oh, it's not you, it's them (referring to us)." Too much loud sex talk, or something or other.

4. The Friend. Yeah...still spending a fair amount of time with him. Still fully aware that we are just friends. Still keeping things cool on the physical front. I just have a peace about us being together in this way. That is a good thing. Still, my antennas are up. And I still don't want to date anyone right now. And QT? Re: your question/comment on my last post? Yeeeeaaaaaah. I'll answer that, but not tonight. Or, you can just read through my archives from July 2008 to April 2009. May need a few vodkas for that. But then, you'll be having them anyway so why bring it up?

Preschool, MG, The Friend and Coyotes

2009-08-18T23:59:00.007-06:00

1. LB will soon be attending preschool two mornings per week. It is one of the best preschools in the city and I've heard nothing but good things about it. I have friends whose kids did attend or still attend there. I'm very happy that LB got in there (enrollment is based on a lottery system). And it is a co-op preschool which means there is a lot--A LOT--of parent involvement.

Unfortunately, all of this means that I will now have to see D. more often. Like tonight, at LB's class lemonade. And for D.? This means he wants to show us three (he, LB and I) as having a normal, amicable and even family relationship. He attempted to talk to me tonight and make friendly. I wanted to throw up.

2. MG starts school tomorrow. I ran around tonight with her (after LB went with D.) getting some more "new" clothes (read: consignment store), and new (read: more expensive) shoes. That girl is so hard on her shoes! Honestly, her dad or I have to buy a new pair every 4 months. Normally, we just get them at Target. But tonight I bought what I hope will be a pair that--while costing more--lasts much longer.

Then I got her a haircut. And she asked for it to be short--and with bangs. Whoa. This is the same little girl who begged me to let her grow her hair long. Why the sudden shifting of the wind? "I want to look different for the first day of school. Then no one will recognize me!" She looks adorable with her new 'do. I wish I could post HER pic here...

3. The friendship/relationship with The Friend is interesting right now. We spent about four days together last week. Two of them were all day long. I even stayed over Friday night (not that kind of staying over--I slept on the couch, thankyouverymuch). And after all that I went through in letting him go and feeling such strong emotions for him, I find myself in an interesting place now: I still love him, he is one of my very good friends, and sometimes I still wish a tiny bit that things could work for us in that beyond friendship way, but I'm also accepting things as they are. AND I would really, truly, honestly need some things to be different in order to have a romantic relationship with him.

Actually, here's part of what I'm really trying to say: I'm okay with he and I spending time together as things are, and not trying to date someone else. Does that make sense? I just...feel more comfortable being with someone I know and trust and can even hold and be held by, even if that is all that we have, and I don't (currently) feel like I want to be with any other guy.

Is this dangerous territory for me? Am I reverting back to what he and I had a long time ago? I don't know. I don't think so. But for last week and this one? The situation works. Perhaps what is weirder is that when he's not around, it feels a little empty, but not in a bad or codependent way. It's more like...I don't know...like something is missing, but not something I can't go without.

I don't know. I'm not articulating very well right now. I'll expound on this topic more later, I'm sure.

4. I can hear coyotes calling outside right now. So, let's see, that makes raccoons, skunks, rabbits, squirrels and coyotes all making their home here--or closeby--my rental community. I feel like I'm back on the farm.

Honest Scrap (Finally!) and...SURPRISE!

2009-08-17T23:40:00.001-06:00

Okay, everyone. It has been nearly two months since CBG first gave me this award. (I do love CBG and his blog. Thanks, awesome guy, for the award.)

And, yes, it DOES take me a while to get meme's done. So, without further ado...

Ten Honest Things:

1. As stated here already, up until just recently, I had never had both ears pierced. Why? Because I grew up in a very conservative family where I was taught (and to borrow a line from "The Simpsons"), "Only whores wear rouge". Only in my case it was pierced ears that were the thing of the devil. After his third daughter got her tongue pierced, and several total piercings later among three of his four daughters, my dad said to me, "I give up."

2. Also as stated here previously, I am 38 years old. In an overzealous attempt to keep my ever-stalking ex. (D.) from finding my blog, I had kept my age a secret. Until now.

3. The only time I ever smoke(d) cigarettes--as I also did recently--is when I'm super-stressed and actually crave one. I did it a few times at the beginning of my marriage (should have been a sign, I know), probably a few more times during my marriage, and then again post-divorce. Now, when I say a "few times", I mean just that. I would have one or two cigs a day for a week or three, then I was fine. My first b/f after my divorce was a pack-a-day smoker. And we spent most of our time together outside the house going out drinking--and smoking. A few months before I got pregnant with LB, I finally stopped. And hadn't had one since until last month. And now I'm done again. For now.

4. I have this crazy ability to memorize numbers--even when I don't want to. Especially phone numbers. It's something about my brain or some OCD thing or other. You can tell me your phone number once, I can memorize it, and then repeat it to you days later without ever writing it down. I remember prefixes, area codes, zip codes, you name it, for places I've never even lived. My dad loved to show off my skill when I was younger. He called me his walking Rolodex. I felt like a freak at the carnival when he did that.

5. I'm a country girl. But I do not like country music. I grew up off and on in cities and on farms. In my heart, I am completely at home in the country or out in nature. I never thought I'd live somewhere near a "big" city for any length of time and enjoy it, yet here I am. That being said, I DO go cuckoo if I don't get out of the city at least once every three months--and that is really pushing it. But I can't stand country music. And it really annoys me when people assume that just because I'm a country girl that I love Garth Brooks. Ummmm, no.

6. Most of my life, I had more guy friends than girl friends. Just got along better with the male gender. Plus, I had three sisters. That was enough estrogen as it was. D.'s jealousy (read: possessiveness) forced me to make more female friends. That turned out to be a good thing, but I find that I still need an even mix.

7. I'm a walking contradiction in many aspects. I can appear sophisticated in everyday life, but I have to have Corn-nuts on a roadtrip. I love modeling and it's fun to get made up and wear incredible clothes (latter is rare), but I'm more at home barefoot and wearing mens' boxers and a favorite, holey shirt. I love going out for an incredible, elegant meal, but I will drink lemonade or chocolate milk straight from the carton. Go figure. Ask my IRL friends about me in this regard and they would probably laugh and say, "Yeah, Amira..."

8. I am SO not a morning person. If forced to, I will wake up by a certain time in order to meet my responsibilities, i.e., going to work, getting MG to school on time, making a flight, etc. However, if I do not have to get up by a certain time? Do not--I repeat, do NOT--expect me to wake up before 7:30 AM on the days when I have my kids. On the days without kids? Not before 9:00 AM. And I don't run on all cylinders prior to 8:00 AM.

9. I have studied four languages--Spanish, German, Japanese and Arabic. I cannot read, write or speak any of them well now, but at one point I did fairly well with all but Japanese (which I only took for one semester). Out of the four, I love Arabic the most.

10. And finally, something you all have been waiting for, but I have been cautious to put up until now, and something that will only be up for a week or so (to still keep me feeling safe), a picture of yours truly from the BMW Motorcycle Rally:

(Picture has been removed by author.)

Thanks, and a Brief Update

2009-08-14T15:05:00.004-06:00

Thank you all so very much for your words of support and encouragement. I've been taken back by those here and IRL who have been checking in on me. I don't know what to say other than "thank you".

I'm still living in a sort of surreal state. Going in and out of shock some moments. I'm just trying to do what I can and to take care of myself.

Still spending a lot of time with The Friend. Being around him calms me. He has that quality about him.

I only recently started labeling my posts (for about a month now). For those of you new to who The Friend is, I'll post links another time. The short description goes something like this: He's someone I met about a year ago that I fell in love with and we recently started to spend time together again as good friends.

We met via a modeling networking site for a casting call I put out. He responded as a male model and we ended up chatting for three weeks prior to meeting IRL. We got to know each other a lot in those chats and really hit it off. I wasn't looking for or planning to get involved with him, but it did happen after we met (albeit not immediately). We spent A LOT of time together last summer and fall, and were basically in a relationship for nearly six months. I say "basically" because he wouldn't ever call it dating or himself my b/f, but for all intensive purposes he was.

I fell very hard for him and we came to be close friends and truly love one another. However, it just didn't work. Eventually--and after a very hard time letting him go--I moved on emotionally. Now, we are returning to our friendship, but I see and know that things would have to be dramatically different in order to go beyond that. In a nutshell, we're like "When Harry Met Sally", but in reverse...or, at least without any physical involvement anymore.

Anyway...

I am barely reading any blogs or commenting at all because I just don't have the energy or brain functioning capability to do so. I know you all understand, but wanted to let you all know that I care about you all and hope to get back on top of things soon. Probably when my kids return and life resumes a bit of normalcy.

Until then, love to you all. And thanks for your bloggy love.

48 Hours

2009-08-12T23:48:00.004-06:00

The past 48 hours have been among the worst in my life. And in those 48 hours have also been moments where grace, mercy and true friendship have broken through the darkness.

Court went badly on Monday. Very briefly summarized, in 3 1/2 hours, we only got halfway through. And that half was almost entirely D.'s attorney asking me questions, then asking D. questions, and presenting a very hard case against me, stating that I have lied about my income (which I have not). Based on their "analysis", they are requesting that I pay D. literally $15,000 in legal fees and child support.

My attorney did NOT have her act together and the magistrate on this case is a very tough woman who is believing D.'s side of the story thus far.

Things ended with the magistrate ordering D. to not pay any child support at all right now, and for the case to resume on November 10th.

That's right--November 10th.

And then, our attorneys talked a possible settlement privately. Their terms? D. never pays child support again, we split all medical expenses and childcare and any other costs for LB 50/50, and D. will "forego" the back child support and attorney's fees (which D.'s father pays ALL of) that I allegedly owe them--out of the kindness of their hearts. (Nothing was decided--my attorney told me to "think about it". Yeah. I'm so not on board or agreeing to it.)

After all of this, and having it last for nearly 5 hours, I had to drop off my son with his psycho dad three hours later.

What I have felt:

Numb.

Despised and abandoned by God.

Sh*t on by the legal system.

Wanting to vomit.

Enraged.

Depressed.

Despair.

And wondering how I hold onto my Faith.

In feeling all of these things, I held everything in. I didn't cry much. I didn't scream. I functioned--for my kids, for myself.

And then it hit me today.

Full-on shock. As in, shock like when you've been in a traumatic accident.

I was driving MG to some friends' house, and I suddenly felt like I couldn't even drive. It took everything just to get there, and it was a 15-minute drive.

After dropping MG off and explaining to my friends my situation, they had no problem taking her for the whole day.

I then drove one mile away and parked. I was frozen. I couldn't think. I couldn't feel. I felt as if I'd been hit by a mortar attack and was sitting in the trenches.

I texted The Friend. I knew that if anyone would not be working and also would be there for me? It would be him. He came over immediately. And spent the past 12 hours with me. Holding me. Taking me swimming. Watching movies. Taking me to a bar to watch the US-Mexico soccer game with his teammates (Mexico won). Taking me grocery shopping. Making me dinner. And enfolding me when--after I talked to LB on the phone--I went to my son's room and broke down bawling, and banging his pillow on his bed, yelling, "I want my son!"

The Friend took care of me. He was exactly what I needed and he gave to me freely.

(And yes, it was all on a friends-only level.)

To those other friends here who have offered to take me out IRL, or sent their prayers and support over the blogosphere, thank you. It means the world to me.

And to my BF? I love you. Thank you for just being present on the phone on Monday night and for being you.

That--in a very small nutshell--has been my past 48+ hours.

Here's to tomorrow...a new day.

Another One of "Those" Nights

2009-08-08T22:31:00.003-06:00

Tonight is another one of those nights where I don't feel like doing anything. More precisely, I feel like doing nothing.

I have more documents to send to my attorney before court on Monday. I have the food stamps recertification form to complete. I have emails to respond to regarding preschool functions for LB (where D. will be able to attend at the same time as me--oh, freaking joy).

And then I have the whole mental and emotional rollercoaster running through me as I prepare myself--as best I'm able--to turn over my dear, sweet, innocent son to his insane, neglectful, evil father for seven days next week. That's right--LB will be taken by D. on vacation across country and completely away from me for a week.

* Insert emoticon here of Amira throwing up, screaming and asking God "why?" simultaneously.*

The point is this: all the things that I'm thinking about or that are causing me to want to do nothing have everything to do with D.

*Sigh*

Ideally, and some day realistically (I hope), I will find a way to not let D. exhaust me so much in my life. And I will find a way to live well and healthfully and capable of ignoring some of the things that he does.

But when you're dealing with an insane person, who has Borderline Personality Disorder, and it is their very mission in life to screw with you, it is very, very, very hard to ignore and work through.

And it also just drives me back to a point of wishing that I had a companion in my life to talk to, to lean into, to be there for me in the midst of it all. But, as we all know, I do not have that.

I did, however, have a great time with MindyMom and Danielle last night for our GNO. To meet other bloggers IRL and to just talk and drink and laugh? It does the heart some good. I wish we could have a big ol' reunion here and that a whole bunch of you could come out. That would be awesome.

And, finally, I will do my "Honest Scrap" Award soon, and it will have a big surprise in it--something you've all been waiting for. *wink, wink*

Clarity, Truth, Healing...and Random Esquire

2009-08-05T23:31:00.005-06:00

Please see Random Esquire's comments from yesterday's post. His words and the quotes that he left are beautiful. Thank you, RE.

*******

I saw my therapist yesterday. It was time. Due to financial constraints, I don't see her as often as I would like.

It usually goes like this:

I need to see her--I have no money.
I need to see her--I have no money.
Things are getting bad. I NEED to see her. I *still* have no money.
If I don't go see her soon, I will fall apart and not be able to function so screw the money and make an appointment!

Something like that.

So, as you all know, I was sinking deeper into depression. I started a form of therapy with her that has been proven very effective for many people. One of my good friends went through it and she said it helped her immensely, and she highly recommended it to me.

Yesterday was my third time at it and the most intensive session yet. It's hard to summarize what I experienced during the session, but it was powerful. The emotional pain that I have, and the way that it materializes within my body and presented itself in the session...it was very...real and raw.

Here's what I really walked away with: the words that my therapist spoke to me, they resonated deep within as truth.

And for one of the few times in my life, someone told me things that I know to be true, that I have always known in my core, but that I have not experienced directly so my mind and body and my relationships with guys have "told" me that these truths are lies.

Unfortunately, I am too tired to unpack what all of those are tonight, but just to name a few...

...men are meant to care for their women. Not in an overpowering, chauvinistic way, but in a "I will take care of you because that is love" way. I have never known this in my life in a long-term relationship.

...I see the good and the best in people and sometimes it bites me in the ass. But it is NOT my fault--it is that the people that I have loved and cared for have taken advantage of this character plus (read: not fault). However, I do need to be more wary and cautious as a result, and that is okay.

...there are many things that have happened in my life that have been out of my control. In part, I have tried to control many things in my life and had trouble trusting or allowing others in. It's been a vicious cycle and one that has yet to be unraveled.

Last night, I felt better than I had in days. Something got released. And I was validated. And I want to keep doing this therapy, even though I know that it won't be easy or cheap.

But I see and feel it helping to make me whole again. I want that. Badly.

So while life goes on...

...court next Monday with D., who is fighting to pay any child support or medical expenses...

...trying to secure the money for a new and better attorney...

...D. stalking me at the fitness center and now stalking my friends online (he sent The Friend a message and a friend request at Facebook)...

...trying in all the legal ways that I can to prevent D. from taking LB--who is under three years old--on a 7-day-trip by car across the country...

...while I continue to miss Nice Guy more than I could have anticipated missing someone that I only knew and dated for two months...

...and another potential job that did not pan out today...

...while life goes on, I received what I prayed to God for: clarity, truth, compassion and healing.

I hold onto that.

What Do You Do?

2009-08-03T23:59:00.002-06:00

(Sidenote: comments left for the last post have been responded to.)

Today I hit *that* point again. Because I go through cycles (not those cycles).

The point where I'm depressed as all hell, crying at any given point, and then saying, "Enough. I will humble myself before the One and ask Him to guide me to the place where I can do good for others and set aside my pain, my wants, my desires."

And then--I remember--I mean this statement with all of my heart. And I will pursue it.

But at some other point, in the not-too-distant future, I will start to get that itch under the skin again...the one where if I don't get it scratched the right way? Then the cycle will begin all over again.

Some of you know of what I speak.

There are many things that I have lost and given up as sacrifices in life--most of them forcing me to trust Grace to provide when I have done all within my power to do so. Some I can do, albeit not easily, i.e., that a functioning car will be provided, or clothing, or food, or money to pay my rent and other bills.

The one thing that I consistently get so heartbroken over is trusting that the right man will come into my life. 'Cause so far? It hasn't happened. And because it's the thing that I can't seem to stop wanting.

So, what do you do when the thing you have wanted the most in life eludes you and you still try to just let go.....

.....

.....

.....and you can't. Not for the very life of you.

Then what do you do?

About the Date

2009-08-02T23:52:00.004-06:00

Sooooooo, yeah...about the date last night.

Truth is, I don't want to talk about it. At all. I just...don't.

Don't ask why. I just...yeesh. It's one of those things I only want to discuss with my BF.

This is what I will say:

* The dinner? Fabulous. Amazing. Wonderful. Loooooove that restaurant!

* The whole time I was on the date? Guess who I'm thinking about and missing terribly? Uh huh--Nice Guy.

* And, finally, when you have tasted something sooooo good--like a guy being a gentleman in so many ways (which this one was so not), like affection on the level that you want it and crave it, like a guy who makes you just want to melt into his arms, his eyes and his lips--once you've come to know those things with a specific person? You don't want anything or anyone else.

And when I cannot be with that person, it becomes depressing and makes me sick to my stomach.

See where I'm heading with this? Yeah, thought so.

It's time for me to find another channel for my desire to be with a man. 'Cause it ain't happenin' WITH a man, so I need to pour my passion into something worthwhile that serves the greater good.

And helps me get out of this deep depression that's getting me into a vice grip.

Seriously. NOW.

Tonight...and Other Stuff

2009-08-01T13:18:00.004-06:00

Tonight is when I'm meeting up with the guy from out of town. I will pick him up at the place he is staying and we'll go out to one of my favorite sushi restaurants. (He's buying!)

I'm nervous. Anxious.

Why? For a lot of reasons. Some I can divulge, some I don't want to. Biggest one? The "what if Nice Guy wants to get back together but he finds out I went out with some other guy and then gets mad?" one. And yet, why shouldn't I go out with someone else?

*******

I met up with MindyMom on Thursday night. It was very cool to meet with another blogger IRL that is part of this circle I find myself in. We talked for over two hours straight. Or maybe that was mostly me talking. (If so, my apologies, Mindy.) But it was great to meet someone that has been through some of the same crap that I have, or at least *truly* gets it.

Still, MindyMom? She's one tough momma and I gotta give her HUGE props for enduring what she does. Seriously, she's pretty damn amazing.

*******

I'm realizing that I'm struggling with depression again. And low self-esteem. While I am pretty much always tired, I am even more so these past few days. And I want to watch movies more often than normal. And to not respond to any emails or anything. I'm just...bleh. That's how I feel.

I'm sooooooo ready to be done with depression. (I've tried drugs--they don't do me good.)

*******

And on a sweeter, lighter note...

Yesterday, LB was playing with some little plastic dogs and cats. He laid them all down on their sides to put them down for a nap. Then he bent over and kissed each one and whispered, "Goodnight."

*Sigh* Sometimes, he just melts my heart. And I realize how I blessed I am to have him as the one solidly good thing from that relationship.

Craziest Thing #469

2009-07-29T23:41:00.004-06:00

*Ahem*

Tonight, I was going to finally write my "Honest Scrap" out. (I have the draft and everything.)

Recently, I said that I just wanted guys to leave me alone. (I totally meant it.)

Nice Guy is still on my mind and I still really miss him. (Still not a word between us.)

The latest development...

...a guy that I had chatted briefly with and met in person once--back in April--emailed me earlier this week out of the blue. After no communication between us since the day I actually met Nice Guy (over two months ago). We've been chatting and emailing again.

And now this guy is planning a flight out to see me. This weekend.

*blink*

Don't ask. I don't even know what I'm thinking myself.

Except that the distraction is hard to turn away.

(I know...I know...)

Back to Life. Again.

2009-07-26T23:59:00.001-06:00

Yes, I am back from my adventure.

Yes, it was fun, but not without much drama vis-a-vis D. not showing up to exchange LB with my friends, but instead deciding--unilaterally--to keep LB for the day. Don't even get me started on all that...

I also managed to secure a car that would get me to my destination in the mountains and back. Thank GOD for friends like mine! (My car is seriously dying and my mechanic told me not to expect to make the trip.)

How a 48-hour "vacation" can take so much effort...yeah...freakin' insane and just WRONG, people. Just flippin' wrong.

(Attempt at) Remembering that GRACE precedes me and takes care of me amidst the chaos.

No cigs since last week. The weekend away--minus the chaos--helped me break free from my routine. That was a stress relief.

I ate more during that trip than I had in three days, I think. When I'm depressed, I don't eat much.

Trying to forget Nice Guy. Sometimes succeeding, sometimes horribly not. Still, no contact at all.

Trying to NOT expect anything will happen with a guy AT ALL for me.

Happy reading about others' adventures in romance and love, however. Way to go, guys.

LB is still coming back from D.'s house with signs of lack of care. *Sigh* People, this is my SON we're talking about--not some inanimate object. And yet, trying to get the legal and justice system to see the signs? It's like freakin' proving that UFO's exist. Actually, it's harder than that. "If you can't prove it beyond the shadow of a doubt, don't expect to prove it in court."

MG has been spewing slang a lot lately. And her dad now let her see "The Italian Job"?! She's 7 YEARS OLD! Ugh.

Yep. Back to life. All the good, the bad and the crazy.

Last Night, Continued

2009-07-21T23:05:00.003-06:00

* I had that cigarette tonight. And I had a Chandler from "Friends" moment. I never smoked much--only for a year after my divorce (Honest Scrap #3)--but it can sometimes be my true stress relief (especially when sex is not an option...).

* Anyone else ever feel like they need a t-shirt that says "Too f*cked up to date"?

* And am I? Or is it just that the guys I keep dating are?

* I do wonder what Nice Guy is going through...

* I'm ready to feel numb.

* Chocolate and nicotine may be my vices for the next few weeks. Just sayin'...

* My Zen weekend is coming! BMW motorcycle rally time is in less than 48 hours. Yeah, baby! I'm heading to the mountains and I'm going riding. Sooooooooooooo stoked! (This WILL be my summer "vacation".)

* D. has sent me two stupid emails in the past week. One was about a video for purchase on being a good father. Um, hello? A good father pays his child support. *Hint, hint!* Ugh. Why can't he just be abducted by aliens?

* Did another fashion show. Amira is lovin' the catwalk. Mee-oww! Now, if I can just get paid...

* I want to transcend this life I lead. I want to be lifted up into the sky and to just soar...to know no boundaries, no pain, no lies, no burdens. This is what I want.

More Smatterings of Thoughts and Emotions

2009-07-20T23:59:00.001-06:00

* I want a cigarette. I can't even *remember* the last time I had one or even wanted one this badly.

* Desires and pain mingle together. Desires unmet that lie deep within surface first as pain. Then, as tears.

* My longing to know a happy marriage goes back to childhood. One of the things that I realize I need to let go of and heal from is what I learned by observing my parents' marriage. The constant arguing, the inappropriate displays of...affection?...in front of us kids, the codependency. All of it planted a toxic seed within me. One that grew into something sickly that also longed to know what a true and healthy long-term relationship is. It still lies there, in wait...the desire to really experience a happy marriage.

* God very rarely answers the question "Why?". And yet, I keep asking.

* I am seeking the truth. I feel like the search is neverending.

* So often I am told, "You are a strong woman, Amira." *Sigh* I don't want to be strong anymore; I want to be normal.

* I am praying for God to help me not be jealous when I see other couples--even my neighbors that I don't know--holding hands or simply being happy together (which they have every right to be). It is painful for me to observe them.

* When single parents talk about how they now have a significant other and that they've been single parents for three years (or less), I admit it's hard for me to swallow. I've been a single parent for five. And I thought that I found the man of my dreams more than once. And it all came crashing down.

* I constantly come back to the question--after every time there is an end to dating some guy--Am I really just meant to be celibate?

* To be the good that we wish to see in the world...I believe that Gandhi said this. JFG is poking me with this phrase, I think. Not a bad thing to be poked with. It is my current (attempted) mantra when I'm trying to NOT dwell on Nice Guy.

* Letting go of my past...of all the pain from my past...it is much needed. And it will not be an easy undertaking. Let the excavation begin.

Stuff Amira is Saying to Herself

2009-07-18T13:41:00.006-06:00

Caveat: I am fully aware that among the following statements made by moi, some hold true and some do not.

The things that I am telling myself while getting through this time (i.e., how I'm dealing with the Nice-Guy-is-gone crap):

* I am meant to be alone. I am meant to be alone. I am meant to be alone.

* I will survive this. I have survived SO much more.

* It is better this way--just me and the kids.

* I am depressed and sad.

* I am okay.

* If I am meant to be with someone, it will happen and it will be *clear*.

* If You (read: God) want me to be with someone? Then You need to make it clear.

* I'm done having my heart broken.

* God bless all of those that I know that are in wonderful relationships. May they last and endure.

* God help me to accept being alone.

* Please let guys just leave me alone. Please--let no one pursue me that does not truly want me. Please. For the love of God.

* Focus on what you do have, Amira, and be grateful for it.

* God grant that all those I know and care about who do not have someone yet, that they will be blessed with someone wonderful (that prayer goes out to many of you specifically here).

* Don't feel sorry for yourself, Amira. It accomplishes nothing.

* Do not expect Nice Guy to return to you. It may never be meant to be.

* Go forward. Move on. Forget what has happened...as best as you are able to do.

The Latest With Nice Guy

2009-07-16T23:59:00.004-06:00

Warning: Depressing post ahead. Consider yourself warned.

Things with Nice Guy went to crap last night. One week ago, we seemed to patch things up and we were that gross, making-out-in-public-and-can't-keep-our-hands-off-of-each-other couple. Last night? Done. Over.

I was a wreck last night. Slamming my fists into my bed. Screaming. Crying. Telling God that I just want to be left alone.

I hate this sh*t.

Relationships with guys for me have been such a chaotic mess. With Nice Guy, I thought I had found the real deal.

He can't get over what happened a couple of weeks ago when I hung out with The Friend. In my opinion, it was innocent, and *nothing* sexual or romantic happened AT ALL! But Nice Guy still felt "betrayed", as he called it. And he can't let go. His words.

I have listened to him vent about this. Several times. I have apologized more than once. Still, he is where he is at. And I? I feel like he doesn't know if he wants me or not. And I cannot live with that feeling.

So, we are not dating now. I need to just let him be. He needs his time to figure out what he wants.

What I hope is that he wants me. And us. Because if he is willing to make it work, and to let go and move forward, then I will, too.

Letting go of the past...my past experiences with guys...my sister said that I need to do that. I don't know how. But I do know that it's time.

I want a new life. And I want it with a real man. I think that Nice Guy could be that man...

Yes, I'm Still Here

2009-07-10T23:32:00.003-06:00

Yes, it's been over a week since I posted. Well, by a day, but still.

I can't give a real update because too much has happened. Most of the week was spent in a legal paperwork vortex--I finally finished compiling all the requested documents for D. and his *ahem* attorney (so hard for me not to call her the other word). In all, I spent over 30 total hours on that nonsense and got about 12 hours of sleep in 72 hours.

Yeah. I am just so beyond glad to be done with that.

The Nice Guy and I had a...I don't know what to call it. Falling out? Thing to patch up? Last night, it appears that we did. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop...always waiting and anticipating rejection. I appreciate all those of you and in the world who can go out and look at things optimistically. I wish that I could just *do* that. Trust me, I have tried. Really, I have.

But, after experiencing all that I have, it is just not something I can easily do. So, I cling to hope. Sometimes I don't. But it's there anyway. The ONE keeps it alive in me.

I have missed all of you. I feel as though I've been away from my friends--here in the blogosphere and IRL--and I'm just trying to return to normal life. Even my kids saw me just sucked into the black hole.

Good news--in addition to things SO FAR being patched up with Nice Guy--I have my *first* fashion show tomorrow night. Sooooo stoked, people. Not paid, and don't get to keep any clothes (not so far that is), but still. Look at me! I'm doin' the catwalk! (Okay, I still have to practice it.)

And, yes, I know--I still have my homework to do!

Open Letter to Nice Guy (Post #2 Tonight)

2009-07-02T23:59:00.000-06:00

Dear Nice Guy,

I don't know what happened. I mean, I do, and yet, I don't.

How did we get from Point A to Point Zero?

I don't know what to do now. I don't feel like I can just let you back in easily. And yet, my stomach is a bit in knots and I find myself sad and missing you.

You seem like the kind of guy that I want to be with. And not just for the short-term, but the long-term. But in all honesty, it's too soon to tell. Isn't it?

So, I don't know what to do here. I wish that we could rewind and go back to the good stuff before things hit the fan and crap flew everywhere--including all over us.

I guess it's "wait and see" now--at least for me.

I want it to work. I hope it does.

Amira

This Past Week (Post #1 Tonight)

2009-07-02T23:33:00.005-06:00

It has been a week since my last post. Amazing how much can happen in that time...

MG and I each had great birthdays. We were surrounded by friends, ate great food and just enjoyed life for brief moments in time. It is a wonderful thing to experience joy for a few hours.

LB has been very emotional lately. I know that some of this comes with his being 2 1/2, but still...it is very wearing on both of us (i.e., he and I). I swear he had at least 10 tantrums yesterday. And then when I left at night to go out, he was clinging to me and kept telling the babysitters while I was gone, "Mommy hold me! Mommy hold me!" It wears me out AND breaks my heart--him in this phase.

I am trying to complete gathering the mountain of paperwork "requested" by D.'s attorney. It is absolutely flippin' nuts what they want from me. Just one example: Three years of all my bank statements, and copies of all my deposit slips and checks. (That's the tip o' the iceberg, people.) And it is exhausting to prepare it all on my own. Thankfully, however, JFG gave me my own printer (his former one). Now I just need to download the software to use it.

The Friend and I hung out all weekend. It's the most time we have spent together in months. And the great part? I realize that I am completely and totally over him--100%. That feels really good, and it makes me feel like I am ready to be in a new and real relationship. And to be able to remain good friends with The Friend means a lot to me, too.

Nice Guy, on the other hand, is none too happy about the time I spent with The Friend. There's a LOT more detail to the story than this one little sentence, but the bottom line is that we discussed things at too great a length and then he ended up saying something quite offensive to me. He meant it in jest, but it was the wrong thing all the same. He profusely apologized but I told him that there is no communication right now until I'm ready to be in contact again. I set that rule 24 hours ago. My goal is to make it stick 72 hours and to see if he honors that boundary. But this is also a time for me to process everything and figure out whether or not he and I can go forward. I'm really very saddened and disappointed by what happened, and so soon into our dating "relationship". But I also know that people hurt each other sometimes on the way to figuring out whether they can trust one another or not.

So the question that begs an answer: How do you know when you can trust someone? It takes time, I know. And it takes getting to know someone well enough that the "click" happens and you say to yourself, "Yeah, okay. I think I can trust this person." Even then, however, I know only too well that there are no guarantees.

My emotional energy is at a -10, I think. Everything is exhausting. There is so much to try to accomplish. And, of course, I am stressed out as I try to figure out how to pay bills for this month.

I am taken care of and things are better than a year ago--at least I have food. Still, I feel that I am in constant search of a life that eludes me--one filled with love by a man, one where I don't worry about how to pay for rent, and one where I believe that I AM doing enough and that I don't have to fight my way through life to survive all the time.

God have mercy on me.

Blog Homework?!

2009-06-25T23:59:00.001-06:00

I now have *two* assignments--here and here.

What the heck?! So does this mean I'm moving up in the blogosphere?

"You love me. You really love me!"

Seriously, I gotta get crackin' on these. But probably not until this weekend.

Because tomorrow is my party, then a busy Saturday, and then MG's party on Sunday.

Or, perhaps I can let Honest Thing #2 slip out here:

I will turn 38.

Wow.

Remember when that age seemed sooooooooooooooooo old?

And, it's official: I actually started to feel that "I miss him" feeling today for Nice Guy. *Sigh* Probably won't see him until next week some time.

Hmmm. I think we better meet in a public place with lots of people around...those kisses of his...they do make my toes curl.

MG, Sparkly Ears, and Nice Guy

2009-06-23T23:59:00.003-06:00

Tonight is one of those moments when I wish that I had a cool camera on my computer to take a picture of MG and I. And when I wish that I didn't have a crazy-ass stalker ex (D.) looking for anything he can find about me and my kids online.

Because tonight, in honor of our birthday's (which are only two days apart), and as a Mommy-daughter bonding moment, we did something for the first time together: we got our ears pierced. ("Ten Honest Things" #1: I've never actually had both ears pierced. More on that later.)

When she got hers pierced with the gun, MG got a shocked look on her face and then teared up. Not from any pain, though. "It was because now I feel different," she told me. "Yes, I told her, you are. You've gone through a rite of passage."

God knows how much I love her. And I love the moments when I can just *enjoy* being with her. Like our entire time tonight. She is goofy, brilliant, amazing, cute, funny and absolutely beautiful--my MG.

This is only the beginning. I plan on doing special "firsts" like this throughout our lives. And tonight was just awesome--sharing this with her.

Somehow, some way, I am going to get up pics of the kids and I. Just be patient as I figure that out...

Oh, and Nice Guy is in the mountains with his family on vacation. We chatted online tonight and had one of those "wow" conversations...where we each opened up and it's like the sun was burning a hole through both of our souls. This Guy? Uh huh. Liking him, people. Liking him a lot.

Why I Love My Sister (and the Single Mom Quote of the Month)

2009-06-22T14:59:00.001-06:00

My birthday is coming up. My sister (#2), who has a been a single mom for nearly 16 years, has been through more hell than I even come close to. She sent MG and I our birthday presents via snail mail and in the card was this note from her. She is amazingly, poignantly articulate at times.

"Every Forte woman, regardless of her past, present or future, must treat herself as if she is worthy because for f**k's sake, WE'VE EARNED IT. I love you."

Amen, sister. Amen.

I love you, too.

Quick, Low-Energy Update

2009-06-20T22:20:00.005-06:00

Single Mom is vegging out tonight. I just got done talking to Nice Guy on the phone, ate some yummy pho (which Nice Guy introduced me to last night), and then I'm watching movies while doing laundry. (Sidenote: Things with Nice Guy are still going well.)

That's all I have the energy to do.

I'm too tired to respond to emails--even from friends or potential employers. I'm too tired to call my mom back. I'm too tired to read blogs. I'm too tired to do anything. Except lie around.

And you know what? It's okay. Emotionally I have felt so drained last week and this one. I feel like I cannot handle or take in any more stuff that requires any kind of emotional response on my part.

So, thank you, everyone, very much for your comments and encouragement. Thank you to new followers and delurkers and all those who have found my blog. I am grateful for you and I appreciate you taking the time to say "hello". I truly hope that what I write here is a source of something good or inspiring or encouraging to each of you.

I anticipate that over the next couple of months and as I'm already feeling now--in the build-up to the court hearing with D.--that my energy will be sucked into that, along with trying to secure more work/income, and then pouring myself into that not-so-little responsibility we call "motherhood".

And that is enough for anyone. Love and best thoughts to all of you. Thank you for the love and thoughts you bestow upon me.

Rollercoaster

2009-06-16T23:59:00.005-06:00

What does it mean when I think about the guy I've been dating for a month and at any given moment I start to cry? Crying because of...what? I don't know what all the reasons are. I do know some...

Fear. Fear of it being *wrong*. Fear of him being like D. Fear of it being a relationship that I will feel trapped in (like my marriage). Fear of getting annoyed or sick of being with this one person for the rest of my life (not necessarily him, but someone).

Real love. Fear of it being this. I don't *know* how to be in a real and loving relationship! Could this be it? What if it is? I am scared of experiencing that love. And I'm scared of realizing that I could have it and be so scared that I drive it--and him--away. I truly am, people.

Attachment. When I'm away from him, I kinda sorta miss him. And I want to see him again. Not an all-consuming feeling, but palpable.

The future. Can I really be with this guy? I've seen some things now. I've seen his home. I'm learning more about his imperfections. And I'll be honest--they concern me a little. Not on the "OMG, this is awful!" level, but on the "I really don't know if I can accept this" level. You know what I mean? To wit: His furniture and his home decor? Holy crap. It's bad, people. Really, really bad. But mine? Not a whole heck of a lot better, so do I have any right to complain here? (I'd like to think that I do, but I don't.)

Gut feelings. Oh, boy. I don't want to go into this tonight. I'm too tired. But suffice it to say, I'm afraid of my gut feelings being wrong, and I'm afraid of them being right.

Having a relationship with the Nice Guy...it's definitely going into production. And I...I don't know how to deal with it all.

It's freaking me out. In good ways and bad. And it's putting me on an emotional rollercoaster.

A Good Update

2009-06-14T23:59:00.000-06:00

Things with the Nice Guy are still going along...nicely. *Ahem*

I am surprised by it all, really. A bit scared at times, waiting for the shoe to drop. Yes, definitely waiting for that.

"Hello, beautiful." That's how he started a text to me today. And I swooned.

Swooned, people. Do you know how long it has been since a guy has said, "Hello, beautiful," to me without it being a cheesy line followed by innuendo?! Yeah, I don't know how long it's been either. Too damn long.

And he is SO sweet. So, so sweet. He doesn't read my blog so I will share one more thing that he said that absolutely blew me away. During a vulnerable moment recently, he suddenly asked me, "Can I trust you?" And I knew--I knew deep in my heart and in my spirit--what he was asking.

And I nodded...and then said to him, "Yes. You can trust me."

Women, when was the last time--or ever--that a guy has asked you that?!

Yeah. You know how big that is.

So, in my world right now, while D. keeps piling up the sh*t higher and higher, I am transfixed on a better man, and perhaps a better life.

Can't get my hopes up too high yet, I know. But this? It feels really good, people. Better than I have felt in months. And I could use that.

Pray that it continues. Please. I need the good.

What I Saw Today

2009-06-10T23:59:00.001-06:00

This week has been fairly brutal emotionally. Between caring for a sick child and trying to entertain a 2 1/2 year old inside of a 1,000 square foot apartment (my home) for four days straight, and not having any real alone time, my sanity has already been on edge.

Add to that the attacks by D. during our weekly exchanges of LB at the police station, and the slowly building crescendo to all-out war of court in August. Yes, folks, the troops are massing already.

In August, D. and I go to court again. Two failed mediation attempts (three if you count the time that I showed up and he didn't) and a two-year anniversary since the original parenting time stipulation was put into place, and the battle for middle earth has begun.

My attorney asked me--this afternoon--for my list of witnesses by tomorrow.

Her assistant called me today and asked if I could drive the 60 miles roundtrip to their office to pick up materials that D. and his attorney mailed there.

My sister called today and told me about a minor--but still--family crisis.

Thankfully, my friends took LB for 3 hours today and I dropped MG off at a morning art class.

By the time I came home, and after just getting off the phone with my attorney's assistant, I could barely walk. I am not joking.

The weight of all the emotional centrifuge spinning excessively hit me like a ton of bricks.

God. Please. Help. Me. I can't take anymore.

All this week, I'm trying to decide whether to go deeper into debt and hire a new attorney to fight for my son in court even harder, and whether or not to move and find a cheaper place to live.

I sent my kids into quiet time and they, oh-so-thankfully, actually napped. I got down on my knees on the floor and prayed the word "please" no less than 20 times.

Just please, God, I am so tired. Just take D. out of my life. I just want to be left alone.

Outside, a thunderstorm began. It built up in crescendo and lasted the entire time that I prayed and then fell asleep myself. Eventually, the kids and I all woke up. Within an hour, however, another storm had rolled in, even darker than the last one.

And it began to rain. The kids wanted to go outside. There was no lightning or thunder--just dark clouds and huge drops of water. But suddenly, one side of the sky cleared and it was so bright, just brilliant. I knew that we could probably find a rainbow.

We all donned coats and went around to the other side. And there they were--two brilliant, full, amazing rainbows. One was even a double within itself. We stood and watched--LB eventually started running around in the water happily, while MG and I, being the in-communion-with-nature girls that we are, stood in awe and just hugged.

Slowly, one rainbow became a triple one and the second rainbow faded. I said to MG, "You know what? It's like there's one promise for each of us."

To see through the storm, to see through the darkness, through the pounding rain, to the promises and the light that is in the distance, I have to look for it. It's there, I know. But at times it can feel so very far away.

Today was beautiful.

Quote of the Week

2009-06-09T23:59:00.000-06:00

Let nothing perturb you, nothing frighten you. All things pass. God does not change. Patience achieves everything.

Mother Teresa

The Road to "Relationship"

2009-06-08T23:05:00.005-06:00

I'm running the gamut of emotions today. It must be PMS week...

...or I'm just going crazy in my head and heart because I'm at home nearly 24/7 for four days straight with two kids (one of whom is sick and the other is 2 1/2) AND I'm starting to like a guy AND I'm low on income again AND dealing with D more than I've had to in weeks.

Yeah.

I'm starting to feel scared. Scared of rejection. Today I imagined all the ways and reasons why Nice Guy would reject me. And I wondered, Should I just tell him all my crap now so he can decide if he wants to be with me and get it over with?

I know. Talk about a negative vote for self-confidence.

But, it's reality, people. I have met guys, been with guys, been in relationships with guys, and when it ends, very often it has ended with me feeling rejected. Whether I broke it off or not, the rejection factor rules in my head.

As I've said a million times before, I don't handle rejection well at all.

I started to tell the guys on POF today that have messaged me and expressed interest that I think I found someone that I want to date exclusively. This is the point I'm reaching. While I'm still willing to meet up with one guy, I just, well, I do best with focusing on one person and one relationship at a time.

Part of me says, Get out there and play, Amira! Go on lots of dates and meet lots of guys! Have fun, be spoiled, be treated out to amazing dinners and other experiences. Keep your options open.

But then part of me says, Yeah, but you know? Nice Guy seems to have a LOT to offer. Do you really think you're going to find that with some other Joe Schmoe? I mean, look at him and all that you know so far--he's mature, he's a single dad, he's got a stable income, owns his own home, he's devoted to his entire family, he's kind, compassionate, funny, a great kisser (ahem), and he wants to date you EVEN after what you told him about your life.

Yeah, I know.

But! What if in a few weeks or months, Nice Guy turns out not to be so great? Shouldn't I have not gotten wrapped up in him then? Shouldn't I have left myself open to other possibilities?

I don't multi-date well. I never have. Doubtful that I ever will really. For one, I don't have the emotional energy or the schedule time to devote to seeing X number of guys. And two, the one-on-one thing is huge for me--I need to get to know someone in depth instead of tons of people on a surface-y level.

Ultimately--and I know that most of you single parents can relate here--being a single parent with a complicated life tends to toughen you up and mature you quicker. And you know what you want and what you don't want.

I don't want to "just play around" ad nauseum. That's not where I'm at right now.

What I want is to ultimately meet the man, the companion, for me and for my kids. I want a committed relationship. I want to know--for once and for all and for good and for the final time--what real love and a real relationship are.

The road to getting there is scary. Scary as hell at times.

I Kissed a Boy and I Liked It!

2009-06-06T23:59:00.003-06:00

Do I really need to write anything else?!

Okay, fine.

*Ahem*

Tonight was date #4 with the Nice Guy. (It was a last-minute meeting up, but it still counts.)

What to say...

I like him. So far. Yes, I'm liking him more each time we go out.

On our date the other night and tonight, we just continued our discussions from each time prior. We're learning a lot about one another and asking some not-so-small questions.

In fact, I actually told him about the whole two kids/two relationships thing on Thursday night. Man, was I nervous. And I knew that I didn't have to tell him, but I figured it was either now (on date #3) or soon.

He handled it very well--he was gracious, compassionate and empathetic, which is what I would hope for when a man hears that information. But then, he shared with me why he understood a little, and I appreciated him even more. And at the end of the night he asked if he could have a fourth date. I was slightly--but very pleasantly--surprised.

Part of me is just at peace about everything with him. I'm not trying to rush things, I'm not worrying too much (sort of) about what comes next. I'm actually fairly relaxed, which is not normal for me with guys.

But this guy...either he's got me totally duped, or he is genuine. My gut says the latter.

My head, however, worries that it's all a facade. Just like with D. And other boys from prior relationships or "non". And part of me wants to say, "Don't you dare mess with my heart, mister!"

But, oh, how this guy is affectionate. And kind. And sweet. And when I'm with him, I feel like no one else around us exists.

And tonight, when he kissed me...O.M.G. It wasn't a full-on kiss (nor was it the first one), but it was WOW. I mean, WOW! And if that's a taste of things to come (excellent pun on my part, btw)? Whoa, Momma. That's all I have to say.

Random Catching Up Stuff

2009-06-03T23:59:00.004-06:00

Wow. I feel like a week has passed by...or I entered some time warp...or something.

*Sigh* When I apologize for not reading or commenting on your blogs, it's because I MISS you guys! Even though I don't know any of you in real life (yet!), I still consider you friends. I do. And I want to meet you in real life because, well, most of you really rock. And for me, getting to know someone in person is a big deal for me. It just does something good for my heart. (Unless, of course, the person sucks. Which I'm sure most of you don't.)

Anyway, not reading your blogs for me = neglecting a friendship. That's my point.

*******

So, yeah. The Nice Guy. I guess that's his moniker for now.

Tomorrow we go out on a third date. The not-so-sordid details...

I met him three weeks ago. He was the photographer for a shoot I did. Long story short, after the shoot we decided to get dinner together. He was a gentleman and kind all evening, including during the shoot. All these little things were pointing to me that he was a nice guy.

And, he's a single dad. Who drives a minivan. And he is close to 40. And he is good-looking.

Huh.

Sooooo, yeah. We talked about high school and the 80's (is that what we single parents in our late 30's do now?), and about being single parents. And at the end of the evening, he asked if I'd like to go out again. Sure, I said.

We went out last week. He told me some stuff about his life and relationships. People? This guy, he has been through some life. And? He has his kids the majority of the time. Uh huh. You all KNOW that that speaks volumes.

Here's the deal: As a single parent--or at least for me--if I spend any substantial amount of time with someone, I can't help but fastforward to the future. Would he be a good father? A good husband/partner? Could he deal with my crazy life and with D's crap? What would he do if he knew I had two kids from two fathers? Can I really accept xyz about him? On and on and on.

Yes, I read all of your comments about not overanalyzing a situation. That's like telling a toddler not to keep asking the same question over and over again.

Do I like this guy? So far, yes. He seems solid, good, nice, but I can't say much more yet.

I'm still not ready for exclusivity. I have a date with a guy from POF next week.

But, when I imagine being with just one person again for the rest of my life--for my kids' lives--I admit that I am absolutely freaking scared. Just. Terrified.

*******

D. Oh, the places I go with him and his attorney and mine.

D. and his attorney (read: his hired b*tch) are demanding extremely detailed financial information from me dating back to October 2008. As in, all my bank statements, copies of all my deposit slips and checks, all my income and expenses.

This is NOT just about wanting to know if I'm telling the truth about my income. It's about D. wanting to know EVERYTHING, as in where I shop, where I eat out, how often I do this, that or the other thing.

It is D. being D. and WANTING TO CONTROL MY LIFE.

And my attorney tells me that I have to comply and submit all of the information.

I. Am. Livid.

I have gone without a home, without food, without money, spent all my savings, lost my excellent credit rating, and gone into debt all just trying to survive after leaving D. And now, I have to keep dealing with this.

I keep waiting and hoping that the legal system will see D. for who and what he really is. I keep waiting for God to do something and make righteousness and justice prevail. But it just seems to keep eluding me. It's a cruel, torturous joke at times. And as much as I try to roll with the punches, I've been hit just a few too many times. Too often, I'm hunched over my knees, trying to protect myself and do triage on my wounds, all infected, and I am covered in mud, only to suddenly get kicked back down.

It gets tiring, people. You gotta understand--I've been going through this for over two years now. I. Am. Tired. I want it all to stop. And I don't see that happening at all. Ever. I just keep HOPING and PRAYING for it.

I want D. to just leave me and my kids alone. I want to just live my life and move on. Clean, standing upright, and healed from the scars, with D. nowhere in sight.

Shortest Post Here Ever?

2009-06-03T01:28:00.002-06:00

I going out on a third date this week with the nice guy. We have chatted every day.

I. am. freaking. out. What IF we start a relationship?!

AAAAAAAAH!

Oh, the Insanity!

2009-05-30T23:01:00.002-06:00

Once upon a time there was a single mom named Amira. ("Hi, Amira.")

One week, Amira got very depressed. Horribly, terribly depressed.

Then, she decided to join a gym! Yea! Amira felt MUCH better. She started working out again and she remembered just how much a little exercise helps. She felt the release of endorphins and serontonin and she started to feel so better about herself.

She also joined a dating website. Now, Amira wasn't sure this was such a good idea, but all of a sudden she has been REALLY busy responding to messages from boys and she can barely keep up. (!!!)

Then, Amira went out on a second date with a guy she met not too long ago. It was a nice date. He is a nice guy. And when he started to touch Amira, she said (in her head), "Uh oh. The nice guy is touching me. I must...maintain...self-control." And she did. For the most part. Well, she did well enough anyway.

And then, The Friend started conversing with Amira again. And she sent him an email saying--BRIEFLY--some of the things that she had felt that had led to her "no communication" rule. Amira's not sure where all of this is going with The Friend, but she doesn't have her hopes up too high. Besides, she has other boys paying attention to her now and she's not so sure that some of THEM don't have something to offer that might be better.

But, who knows.

So, Amira has been busy and has missed writing her blog and reading her bloggy friends' stories and posts, but she knows that they understand.

And eventually she will get back on track and catch up.

The end. (Just for tonight.)

Like a Hole in My Head

2009-05-28T00:07:00.002-06:00

*AHEM*

So, I need this like I need a hole in my head: I joined this tonight and set up a profile. Come on, everyone, and roll your eyes with me AT me!

Ugh. This is the cycle I get in...I get depressed, then I figure, Hey! Why don't I find a date or two!

I know, I know...

Hey, at least this post is a lighter one than the last few!

Return to the Chrysalis

2009-05-27T00:11:00.005-06:00

Where is the beauty within me?

I do not ask this question seeking answers from you, dear readers, or the blogosphere. It is directed at myself.

Today as I was driving, and thinking back over the emotions of the past few days, I remembered a scene from when I was 15 years old. I had reached a point then of hating myself so much--of thinking that I was so incredibly ugly and unwanted and disgusting to everyone in the world--that I asked God why He didn't just let me die.

I know--it sounds horrible. But that is the point that I reached. I genuinely, honestly thought--no, I believed--that I was so ugly that I deserved to die, that there was no purpose on this earth for me.

These thoughts are not far off from what I have been feeling lately. They are different--I don't see myself as hideously ugly on the outside anymore, but I have still struggled with believing that I hold any sort of worth.

To wit: I thought about getting a t-shirt that says, "Unfit for dating". It's tongue-in-cheek and I'm laughing, but there's also a somber note in there.

The image that I had of myself last night was very disturbing. So disturbing that I do not feel ready to share it, nor do I see the point in doing so. But the question remains:

What has led me to believe, for much of my life, that I am so horrible and unwanted?

I can postulate on this, i.e., family issues, etc., but the bigger point is this:

How can this thinking be changed?

That is my quest (well, one of many, anyway)--to determine the root of this weed once and for all and destroy it.

I can no longer--I do not WANT to any longer--live with this empty hole inside of me, with this belief that I am unlovable.

I see how it spills out into other areas, such as jealousy. And I thought today that perhaps I need to go confess to that "happy" blogger that I have a hard time reading their blog, in part (not all, but part) due to my jealousy. After all, if you expose a weed and yank out the roots, then it cannot thrive.

When I went away last weekend and for that short hike, I saw something that I hadn't seen in five years--almost to the date. I was on another getaway by myself and had gone for a hike. It was just before my divorce was finalized so there was a lot of emotional pain to work through.

As I started on the trail, all of a sudden I saw hundreds of little purple butterflies. There was something in the large muddy area where they were that they were eating or drinking. And the sight of them...it brought me to tears and to my knees. I literally just stopped and bawled. It moved me. I knew that what I saw was a message from God through nature.

Seeing those same butterflies again recently was just as powerful. Different trail, different place, fewer butterflies, but the same ones. And the message:

They are drinking from the mud, and yet look at their beauty.

The spiritual meaning of butterflies remains strong for me--the whole theme of metamorphosis; just when it seems I've exited the chrysalis, there is something else that I haven't come to understand yet. Therefore, the process is incomplete.

On my left ring finger, I wear a beautiful, but very simple, designed-by-hand, silver butterfly ring. It wasn't expensive, but the meaning is priceless for me. It's meant to be a reminder.

I don't know why I have had such difficulty finding the beauty within myself. But I know that it's time. I want to come out and BE.