About Living in These Moments - Part 3

It has been one of those days--actually for the past few days--where I wake up and I just want to get through the day until it's time for my children to go to sleep. I have LB for 12 solid days. For those of you single mom's who never get breaks (i.e., who don't have family in town or exes to take the kids here and there), I feel your pain. I have not gone consecutively without a break like this where I've had LB for over 10 days since he was just over a year old. This time with him has brought back memories of hours and hours of missed sleep, of plodding through sheer exhaustion and sleep deprivation, and of stress that would make any normal person want to curl up in the fetal position and just await Armageddon. It sounds like I'm using hyperbole, but there's more to what's going on in my life right now stress-wise than I'm going to share in this post. So, suffice it to say, this Mommy needs a break. And I am in countdown mode.

That being said, in all honesty, I'm glad that LB is with me. D. had originally planned to take LB on his trip and then changed his mind (as Borderline Personality Disorder people frequently do). I would rather have my son with me than to be away for that long. And when I heard what D. is doing on his trip, I was even more grateful that LB is not with him; my son would have been returned to me disheveled and a wreck emotionally. Providence preceded the will of the insane (D.) and blessedly so.

I have been struggling in my faith of late. And I have also been in a state of emotional bog. My new favorite word is balagan--Hebrew for "mess" or "chaos". It has a certain sound to it that just captures on the tongue what I feel inside. So when I say it aloud, I feel redemption for that miniscule moment in time.

The oil spill from the ending of the relationship with TF has left me feeling mired...coated by a thick, dark substance that clings and does not seem to wash away. I feel like a bird, covered in black oil, unable to free myself completely from shore, while watching the other birds in the air soar high above...and wondering when I will rejoin them.

I cannot comprehend how much and how long the breakup from *this* particular relationship is affecting me. The reasons for feeling the connection that I did with TF are surfacing and I am working through them. Still, I remain baffled as to how much I struggle with the loss of what we had.

The companion to my grief is the discombobulating infusion of new blood into my already betwixt and between life. Someone approached me. Someone took interest in me and expressed it with eagerness and enthusiasm. And while the last thing that I imagined doing or wanting to do is to get to know someone new, that is what is happening--I AM getting to know someone new. And while it is throwing me off, it is also providing some small measure of relief.

These past few years, I lived without many of the things that I genuinely do want--or long for--in an intimate relationship. Compliments. Encouraging words. Having doors opened for me. Being asked questions about all parts of my life. Someone wanting to learn more about me. Being treated with respect on a consistent basis. I realize now how much I compromised away...or thought that I could live without. And while TF did offer me many, many good things, these were some of the key elements that were missing. I find that I still vacillate and wonder, "Now that I'm experiencing them again, did I really miss them that much? And could I ever live without them again?" Perhaps that sounds perverse in some way, but I find that I have to ask myself questions in order to be honest in the answers that I seek.

This new person is like marrow to dry bones. He is like water to a parched land. Just the simple act of being able to ask him questions and receive answers--which TF loathed to do--has sent me into another world. I want to talk with this person a LOT. And we do talk a lot. Whether online or in person. And that? That feels very comforting.

The catch in all of this is that in a short amount of time, this new person and I have found that we do not have the potential for a long-term relationship. There are some key differences between us that neither one of us imagines changing. While it is good to recognize that upfront, it is a struggle to simply remain friends when we are both so interested in one another, when we are comfortable with one another, and when we are attracted to one another. We are making the effort to keep the relationship healthy and on a friendship level. I say that knowing that it sounds as if a "but" is coming, but it's not--at least not what the reader may think is coming.

The struggle that I have faced since this new friendship has developed further is believing in someone again...in learning how to trust. After all that I have endured, and after TF damaged the fragile trust that I placed in him after I had left an abuser/crazy person (D.), to re-learn yet AGAIN how to see and to know who is good and who is trustworthy is putting my heart and mind through the wringer. The new person has already endured my soapbox speeches about trust. He has seen me respond to him in ways that are me feeling jarred. And while I remain ever vigilant and cautious, and not one to give him the full benefit of the doubt as a male, he has shown me some of the same respect and kindness and sincerity that I experienced in one of my best intimate relationships.

There are a million approaches for me to this scenario and I cannot go into all of them here and now. But emotionally, I am in balagan. I am still reeling from and enduring the loss of TF...I am trying to learn how to just be friends with someone who is also making that same effort towards me when both of us want a little bit more...I am attempting to learn how to trust again, when all of me says "f**k trusting any male"...and I am experiencing some small measure of healing and happiness...and I am scared and grateful, all at the same time.

The struggle with my faith...that is between me and God...and with me trying to release and let go of all of my hopes and desires and dreams to be with someone for the long-term. It just seems as if it's not meant to be. I know that there are those who will say, "What you think is what will be" (a la The Secret). I understand this thinking--I do. But after all that I have been through with males and within intimate relationships, this *is* the conclusion that I have come to. Some out there have found new love, have found new life, even after all that they have endured. They have found their companion in life. That is a blessing, to be sure. I do not know that I will ever receive this same blessing. I am trying to accept what may be the case for my life...even if it is not what I would choose. I am trying to allow to die what I have sought after my whole life thus far. Sometimes sublimation of our desires is the most appropriate path to take.

I have no tidy way to end this post. I know that I am simply going to continue to process all that comes to me.