Longing For Answers

I am here again because I do not know where else to go. I am here because I have questions that plague me when I lie awake in bed at night. I am here because I need to speak with the voice that I have, even if it feels muted.

It's been 3 1/2 weeks (yes, the half counts) since I last saw or directly spoke to TF. It's been 3 1/2 weeks of trying to move on...of mulling over the conversation that we had...of thinking about the things he said that hurt me so deeply...of trying to make sense and understand how he said one thing, but did another. I am still in a state of shock and confusion. I do not know what the hell to do with the information that clings to my mind. It's starting to drive me crazy.

A couple of guys have given me their attention recently. That's nice. They seem to be nice. I don't want to jump back into dating, but I do not mind making some new friends. But the other thing is...I saw some pictures of TF tonight from an event he was at that I almost attended. All it took was for me to see his photo...and my heart sank.

I still miss him. And I wish to God that I didn't. I'm tired of missing him.

I want answers to my questions. I am half-demanding from God answers to my questions.

If TF wanted to date other people, like he repeatedly told me that he did, then why did he continue for years to stay with me and to be intimate with me?

If he didn't want a long-term relationship, then why did he keep returning to me?

If my situation was such a dilemma for him, then why did he embrace my children, and defend us, and why did he come to court hearings, or offer times to be an instigator to D?

So much just doesn't make sense. It doesn't add up. And it leaves me wondering, What the freaking f**k?!

There are some who say that I should drop him--he hurt me, he's selfish, he's immature...just forget him and move on.

There are some who say that TF was there for me A LOT, in times when I needed someone, and in times when other guys would not have stood up and been there.

There are some who caution against overanalyzing...and that I'm focusing on the negative, and that if I think too much about some things, all I will remember or see is the bad.

I think about my relationship with my dad...and how for years and years, I wanted to have a good relationship with him again, like we had briefly when I was a little girl. I spent most of my life harboring ill feelings against my dad. Only recently, due to a serious illness that my dad has that could potentially kill him, was I able to finally reconcile with my dad within myself. It wasn't something overt that happened between he and I; it was something that God did within my heart and mind and soul. And now I see my dad differently. And I no longer harbor the ill will, the anger, the resentment. My dad--and our relationship--are still not perfect. But I would rather have what we DO have, than have nothing at all, or have what I did before.

This brings me to TF. I don't know what kind of relationship I am supposed to have with him. A romantic or intimate one is not in the works at this time. But can I be friends with him? Do I throw out the baby with the bathwater? Or do I take this imperfect man--one who has wounded me deeply--and still try to accept him as he is and to extend love and friendship? I...I do not know. That is what I am trying to figure out...as I hurl through space.

Meanwhile, I am painfully aware of the absence of him in my life. I have not had the kind of deep connection that I had with TF with hardly anyone else. To just let that evaporate into the air...it feels remiss. It feels...wrong, somehow. I can't explain it.

I don't know what to say...to him, to myself, to anyone who would ask what I'm thinking.

I wish and long for real, concrete answers. There are none. There is no person who can show me or tell me what to do. I wish there was though. I wish there was...