I have not blogged for a very long time. This I know. The reasons for that are a few, but the bottom line is that I felt a need to step back from it...to take a break.
(It also appears that D's demonic attorney found my blog and sent me some lovely (read: vile) comments. My break from blogging had nothing to do with her. However, she does not have a right to know what is going on in my life, as much as she continues on her path of destruction towards my children and I.)
So, I'm here because I need to vent and this is the place where I feel that I can do it. I am cautious to vent to those whom I am close to...whether because they have too much going on in their lives and I fear burdening them, or because I feel that so few people truly understand where I'm at. I need to be listened to...to also receive some perspective, yes...but I honestly don't know where to go. Except here.
I have loved a man for the past few years. I allowed him into my life and the lives of my children. I allowed myself to get very close to him and to trust him.
We--or just I, perhaps--have tried to make things work. There are many, many good things about him. He also has his flaws and weaknesses.
Recently, we had a big discussion. He was honest about how he felt and thought about some things. One of those things discussed was how he still cannot overcome the fact that I have two children by two different dad's. And the crux of the matter is that one of those dad's is psycho...and that I will have to deal with him for at least another decade plus. The concerns about having to deal with an insane ex if this man and I were to be together long-term...daunts him. And honestly? I get it. Dealing with D. IS a lot. I know. I have to deal with him too often. Add on the vitriolic attorney from Hades and it's double the pleasure.
I know that this situation does not make up who I am. Nor does it define my children and our little family. I know that we are loved by many wonderful people, who do not look down on us or shy away from the chaos. They know that D. and his attorney are evil, and that I bear through dealing with them.
But I feel like I have lost my best friend, to be honest...the person whom I have become closest to here...and the thought of starting over again with someone else...when it has taken me THIS long to even feel like I could commit to a relationship again...well, it's disheartening, to say the least.
So, I want to just talk about all that has happened, where I'm at, and what do I do now. I don't feel like I can do that with any one person. It's a bit much, I'm aware. And that leads me to feel very alone. Sometimes, completely alone. Dealing with that feeling...is very hard for me.
Even so, I know that I am loved. I know that I am loved in deeper ways than I have ever known before. I know that I am forgiven for my choices made in the past. I know that Grace and Mercy are poured out over me. These things remain my salvation.
I go forward, always forward...even when I don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening.
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6 comments:
I will ask my mum about how she dealt with marrying my father, who came with baggage in the form of 3 daughters, ranging in age from 7 to 17 and an unstable ex-wife (plus the expense of alimony and child support).
I know we want to believe that love conquers all. But I think it takes a special sort of magical factors for everyone to co-exist in the relationship you are attempting. I read about ex-spouses who still vacation together with their new spouses and kids and I cannot imagine that.
As for the fact that you have two children by two men...is this an issue? I've always jokingly said that men are scared of single mothers, since it's proof that we are not virgins.
Hey Amira...so very awesome to see you blogging again.
Maybe, if you're concerned about certain people reading what you write, you can password-protect your posts? Just something to consider.
I know you're going through a lot. Just know that the "Blogosphere" is here to listen with open minds and open hearts.
Take care. Be well.
Agree with CBG...so good to see you blogging and if there are topics that are more sensitive than others, password protecting them will help. Hang in there...you are loved.
@Bad Mummy - Thanks. Yeah, I would be genuinely curious to know how your mom worked through things. Regarding your question in the last paragraph, yes, it's an issue for a lot of people. I've worked through (for the most part) the "Scarlet Letter" looks and comments I've received from people. But hearing it from a man I thought had worked through the issue...it hurt.
@CBG - You are wonderful. Thanks for checking in and reading, especially after you had a hard day yourself recently, and for commenting. Yes, I've considered the password-protect option. Would use that as I felt completely necessary.
@Jolene - Ditto what I said to CBG. Appreciate your thoughts and comments.
Dear Amira,
I am amazed at the similarities you describe about your torn relationship with TF and my own with recently gone CF! I feel your pain and confusion. It has been several months for me and I still have moments of silent tears at the loss of the awesome moments of 'connecting' that we had. I have not experienced that oneness of mind or spirit with anyone before or since.
However, God has also been teaching me some things by reflecting on him and my further past. You mention two former broken ex's and this current one and wonder if, like me, you are drawn to the brokeness in them, start up with them because of subconsciously seeing that, and that is how you ultimately get hurt because they, well, are broken!
While you can not bend out of the relationship what you wish you had (a healthy relationship!), you can consciously recognize the good qualities you saw in him, separate them from the person, and concentrate on attracting those qualities in someone who is not broken. Allow God to use this mountain to teach you what He wants for you! So you wont have to go around this mountain one more time!
This is a part of the scripture we all cherish... "All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes".
Ask Him to show you what good things you can take away from that relationship and have peace with it. Blessings my girl!
@Nadine - Your words found their place to my heart, mind and soul. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for what you said. I have been reflecting on it and continue to chew on the food that you presented to me for digesting fully.
Thank you. May you know the Presence and Love of the Divine and His richest blessings.
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