About Living in These Moments - Take 2

It felt good to blog again. Now I feel like I need to catch up on all of the blogs that I cared about and have been away from. Those of you whom I was "close to" (read: used to communicate with often before), I have thought of you often over the past several months. Not reading your blogs did not equal not having you on my mind. Know that I care about each of you.

I'm in a very interesting place right now...emotionally, spiritually, mentally. I don't even know how to describe it. While any one emotion may pop up and reign supreme for a moment or longer, overall, how do I feel? I guess...strong and resolved. It's weird to print that out loud. I don't feel it as my own strength at all, just to be clear.

I do miss TF. The phone is silent now...no texts, no calls. There is no chat before bedtime. There is no sending him funny messages about something that only he and I "get". Yes, things are much quieter. So far, I'm holding up in that area.

I miss having someone that I shared so much of my life with. So, so much. Those of you who have this...you know it's something you can't put into words. But once it's gone, you feel the vacuum...the black hole. That person is gone.

But there is so much that happened...little (can they even be called "little"?) signs of disrespect...of being used...of not being honored and cherished by him. There are things that I wanted but compromised on wanting because I know that a relationship requires compromise in order to work. He...does not get this.

I think the best way to capture what I feel and where I'm at is, "I got it. I finally got the bloody, f**king memo." The messages were always there. He repeated them. His actions didn't match his words. I tried hard to understand. But understanding does not equal meeting one another at the table and leaving from it together.

TF is not a bad man or a bad person. Could he use some growing up? Umm, hell, yes. Was he a good friend? Absolutely. Was he a good boyfriend? Umm, definitely not.

Only time and God can help him. I...cannot. I have loved him. I have cared for him. I am not angry anymore. I am hurt. I feel loss. And who knows what the future holds.

But the Presence says, "Go on, Amira." And that is what carries me forward.