Words From the Land of the Living

It has been three months since my last post. I do not even know how many people still read my blog, but I have time and the inkling to post. So here I am.

First of all, I saw on Facebook that Depot Dad/Jim Everson passed away recently. I did not know Jim personally, but many of my fellow bloggers here did. Just reading about the fact that he is no longer among us brought tears to my eyes. I know that he was a sweet, kind, witty man and that he touched many of your lives. In memory of Jim, I say my condolences to all of you who knew him well.

Second, I have been in a different world or frame of mind than the one I used to be in when I blogged all the time. I know some of the reasons for that...and some of it will be in this post. But this has been a time of change for me. Good change. Some hard change. And change that has brought me right to where I am meant to be, even if I still question that status frequently.

First, TF and I are "together". More so than we have been in the past two "on again, off again, on again" years. I am still wary. So is he. No formal statement of "togetherness" was made. No trading of official titles (i.e., girlfriend, boyfriend). No commitments to one another verbalized. None of those things. But something changed...a switch was flipped...a corner turned. And while I would say I felt it from him, the truth is it probably came from me as well. In other words, something probably changed in me that led to the change in him that led to the change in how we interact with one another. Ahhhh, relationships. Messy, they are.

It has taken me THIS freaking long to feel comfortable even saying the phrase "my boyfriend". I STILL almost cough after saying the phrase from time to time, but I'm not having near-panic attacks every three days like before (I am not joking) when I was desperately trying to make TF and I work.

I reached a couple of points over the last few months. And one of those was, Oh, he doesn't want me? Okay, fine. Moving on. And I meant it. I didn't say this to him. Well, actually, I did, but not in those words. In different ones. And somehow, some way, right around the time some other major change happened in my life, TF seemed to change a little, too. I felt it, I saw it, and--one of the litmus tests--it has stuck. He's not pulling away from me like every other time. In fact, he seems to be letting me in and wanting to get closer. Which is a big step for him.

So, we'll see. Not all bets are off, folks. He and I are both afraid of commitment. And me? While I want to be married again, it also scares the hell out of me. Been there, done that, went down in flames. Came close again, went to hell and came out of it, and don't want to ever get close to either scenario again. Yeah. You bet your sweet mama I have my reservations and fears about staying with one man for the rest of my life!

But TF...there is something about him. And something about our relationship. We'll see what the future holds. Only God knows.

Next, employment. Yes, I finally secured a job. Can everyone say "hallelujah"?! After 4 long years of self-employment and lack of employment, I went from virtually no work this summer to two job offers within 12 hours. I am not kidding. I decided to take both. And thank God that He guided me to do so. One job is part-time. It is a calm job, wonderful atmosphere, flexible, and salaried. The pay needs improvement, but it's still worth accepting. We'll get there. The other job is contract work. It's interesting, but the job is in a place where there is high stress, instability, huge inefficiency, rampant gossip, and the job may be ending already. So, I'm applying for work to round out the hours I need and we'll see what happens.

Working again feels good. I feel like I am right back where I have always known how to be. The challenge? Not working myself to death. Oh, yes--I found myself easily getting right back into that mode straight out of the starting blocks.

LB and MG...are wonderful. Not worrying about income nonstop has reduced some stress which has allowed me to enjoy just BEING a mom again. Let me just say this: Being a single mom in poverty and with a lack of work is one of the HARDEST places to be. I have hated it. I never want to experience it anymore. Period. But thousands of us go through it. Every. Freaking. Day. And it sucks the joy out of motherhood.

So, be kind to a single mom who doesn't have work or enough income. Just do. 'Cause her life ain't easy. And you have no freaking idea how much so.

Finally, D. I went to court 6 times this summer. That's right--6 times. And God was victorious. He was good and merciful to me. Finally--FINALLY--I got a protection order granted for me against D. It has been one of THE best things that has happened in the past 4 years. No more phone calls. No more text messages. Emails? Yes. But very few. And the police? Oh, yeah. They're on my side at one police station now. D. has created so much trouble there that they all know who he is. And he has NOT made friends there.

D's pitbull (aka, his attorney) is his codependent colleague, bully to me, and quite possibly paramour. She has taken over for him on trying to manipulate me, to attack me, and to bully me. Thankfully, I have figured this out. And I realize, not only is she just another evil person in this world, but she has fallen for everything that he has said is true--and she believes him. Like I once did. I don't feel sorry for her. However, I am aware of "what" she is. And God knows everything. D. will dig his own grave--and she will be left standing over it, open and gaping with fresh dirt, speechless. She will be left looking down at his body. And they will have done it all on their own.

God protects and provides for me and my children. He is greater than all others. He has already overcome this world and all the evil within it. Thanks be to God.

And His mercy and grace and protection rain down upon me and my children. Even on the hard days. Even when I cry out to him for relief from oppression. And He hears me. And He has brought me back to "the land of the living".

I am grateful.