Picking Up Where I Left Off

Yes, it's been a couple of weeks since I blogged.

But not since I've written.

I went away last weekend by myself for about 48 hours. One of those rare getaways that ideally I need about every 3-4 months. The kind where I finally get to sleep as much as I want, where the only timeline I'm on is when I have to be back home and get my kids, and where I can read and write and decompress and meditate and cry and pray and just relax.

The kind where I step out of survival mode for a stolen moment in time.

The kind where I regain my sanity to the fullest extent that I am able to.

I've been hiding from my blog, so to speak. The curious thing about a blog is that you cultivate an audience. This is a good thing. However, when it starts to mess with what you feel like you can actually write--when it halts your voice and you question what you say too much--then, or at least for me, I have to step back from it. And that is what I have done.

Last weekend I wrote about ten pages of just stuff inside of me that needed to get out. Doing that helped re-open my voice...I allowed the freeflow of thoughts, words, emotions, my spirit...no matter how profane, how incoherent, how unimportant any of them might have felt to put here. It was my time to just be and say whatever I wanted and needed to. Oh, and I didn't worry about the editing so much either. That was nice. :)

I want to stay on track even when I'm here, back home, in "normal" life...to keep writing like I did. I have this goal of publishing a book--or rather getting one published. Hopefully I can get enough put together this year. Hmmm. We'll see.

The other thing about blogs is that they become "Update Central". And when I know I've lapsed in writing or reading blogs, then I feel overwhelmed and also hide; I cannot realistically, with my life being what it is, stay on top of blogging in general. Maybe in the future when things have calmed down (if that ever happens?)...

So, speaking of an update, here's what I have for now:

* MG and LB are currently healthy. Although MG was appearing sick this evening...ah, man...

* Hoping for and awaiting some good news regarding potential work this summer.

* I applied for a Census job and got a great score on my test. Now, they can't find my application. Three days of phone calls and no one can find it. Oh, the irony! (The Census can't track down the application of someone who came to them and gave them plenty of info.)

* Things with TF...still...messy. Something happened recently that brought out my full fury against him. And just when I was ready to write off even a friendship, we had a good heart-to-heart. I know that I can't be more than friends with him. What's hard is the "space between"--trying to just let things be when I haven't reconciled myself with what is best. Yet.

* My inability to trust boys (notice I said "boys", not men, because a real man can be trusted) runs strong and deep. It affects me and my interaction with almost every one of them to the point of just not knowing HOW to trust or when. It hurts and I wish there was a fix-it pill that could lead me to trust. I'm stuck right now in neutral.

* Things with D. are calm for the moment. I prayed a LOT last weekend for how to deal with D. when I know I'll have to do it for at least another 14 years.

* Finally, I still find myself very grateful for the friends and people that God has placed in my life. When I have the time and clearness of mind to reflect on these people and how each of them have blessed my children and I time and time again, I thank God for them. I would not be where I am today if not for the love and grace and mercy that they have bestowed upon us.