What I want to do: Watch a movie and forget about the world.
What I also want to do and I know is good for me to do: Get out the things that are filling my thoughts and consuming my emotional energy.
I've mentioned in recent posts and on Facebook coming to terms with my life "as it is". A switch went off in me recently. As in within the past week or so...the switch that when it's on says, "Fight like hell, Amira". And when it's off (which, I'm not sure it ever has been) says, "Accept the present."
This does not equal me giving up on life becoming better. On the contrary, and as Momma Sunshine said on my Facebook page, it opens me up to the possibility of new and better things.
I do not know how NOT to fight...to fight to survive, to fight to be perfect, to fight to be the best at everything, to fight to be right...the list goes on.
The messages I have understood all of my life have been: If I'm not fighting, then I am a loser, a quitter, someone who didn't try HARD enough. And those things? Are completely and totally unacceptable. And they also mean that I am unworthy of the good and deserving of the bad.
I can always beat myself up more. I can always say, "If only I had done [fill in the blank]." But what has all of my fighting gotten me in the past 4 years or 6 years or 34 years? What?!
The answer for me right now is this: Spinning my wheels and exhausted. And so, the switch got flipped. I'm not sure exactly why, but it did.
So, when sh*tty things are happening, when the horrible moments come (which they inevitably will), I will be in them, get through them, accept them, and do my best to make peace with them.
Next up, coming to terms with my fear of relationships and commitment. Just when I think I get one thing resolved...
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5 comments:
when you're used to fighting all the time, acceptance CAN feel like giving up...but it's not. It's just making peace with your current situation, learning to make the best of where you are right now, while still acknowledging that you still want things to change for the better. :-)
I've come to discover that life is a series of challenges to be faced and accepted and overcome. Some are easier than others. Sometimes I'd rather stay in bed and cover my head with a blanket.
Know that you can do this. You are strong. You are a fighter. It's easy to get worn out. Take care of you. And turn to us for support.
Thinking of you. Big hugs.
Amira,
Just know that whatever happens for whatever reason(s), your "Blogosphere friends" are always here for you with open ears and without judgments.
:-)
Hi, I'm a new reader and fellow single mother. Your blog makes for an inspirational read :D
I've been in the same place lately, trying to come to terms with life as it is.. it's not easy!
What you're saying makes sense. I think it's something I need to learn as well. I have such a hard time living in the moment. I'm always struggling to get somewhere. You are inspiring. :)
And I don't even want to think about my fear of relationships. ugh.
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