The Struggle...of Choosing Not to Fight

Take me to a place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

(“Answer” by Sarah MacLachlan)

The Friend (aka, TF) and I have been on-again-off-again for the past few weeks. I'm struggling with this...for a variety of reasons.

I do not know what to do with this person in my life. I do not know what to do with myself in this situation. I have this quasi-man in my life with whom I have a quasi-relationship. (That should say enough right there, shouldn’t it?)

I know that my BF won't be happy. (Sorry.)

TF and I have been off and on for almost two years. Nothing has changed in his statements. Nor has it really changed in his actions. By the latter, I mean that he still pulls back at some point when we start to get close. And yet there are other things he has done that have been honoring of my requests (not enough to seal the whole deal, however).

Some say that I need to have no contact with him and move on. This, however, is like telling me that I cannot have chocolate--I will only think about it all the time and want it all the more.

Some say that I need to decide whether I can accept him for who he is and where he's at and if I'm willing to be patient with him. There are those who think that he just needs time and no pressure.

In situations like these, if a friend comes to me with a similar quandary, I ask, "What does your gut say?" The problem is, my gut's "voice" gets muddled by the bickering and convoluted thinking going on between my heart and my mind. There is no clear answer.

There are a lot of people in my life--both here and IRL--who are in love and in wonderful relationships. Yes, there is a strong part of me that wants to experience that.

However, what I really want--what I desire to know--is "home". I want to know being at home with someone. And with TF, sometimes I feel that so strongly. Feeling that makes it hard to leave and walk away. For good.

We all have our walls. QT Mama blogged about this a few days ago, and many of the rest of you have as well in your blogs. I know that I have mine. And TF has his and they are HUGE.

Are he and I both fighting each other? Are we both putting up walls? Or is he definitely pushing me away more than not?

The question that comes to my mind--one among many--is, How much longer am I willing to accept what he keeps giving me?

I cannot be platonic friends with this guy. Not at this point in life. Perhaps, never. I am attracted to him on many levels and I desire him. I keep wanting to love him, and I do love him.

I don't know what to do. What I DO know is that he cannot fully love me right now. He just can't. He is not able to with the things that are blocking that love. The question is, could he ever love me? That...I do not know. And I don't know if I'm patient enough or trust him enough to wait and find out.

So then how do I let go?